Control | Sal Vulcano

ch.5

I have never dreaded a group session like I had today. I felt so stupid for even engaging in everything Sal and I did. I didn't want to answer him that night because the answer was obvious and he knew it.

Today's session was very early, so early that I saw the sunrise driving to the center. I lived in Boston, but the good part of it. It was nice seeing the skyscrapers in front of the orange and red clouds. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to live in Boston. New York City is a cool place and there's lots of shops and things to see, but Boston's a much more calm city. NYC has a lot of history to it, but nothing compared to Boston. I feel like that advertisements and billboards take away from it all in New York.

When I arrived to the room where everyone was sitting, Sal looked at me. I looked down at the tiles and found a chair furthest away from Sal. He was in my peripheral vision and I could feel him looking at me. I kept my eyes on the windows that showed a view of the building next door. It wasn't an intruiging view, but I looked ahead anyways, no matter how good-looking he seemed today.

The hour of the session felt like the longest session ever. It mostly consisted of me looking at the clock to see when the misery was going to end and constant awkward eye contact with Sal. Once it was over, I automatically got up and grabbed my stuff, speed walking out of the building. I was having trouble trying to find the keys to my car when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Can we talk?" Sal asked, out of breath as if he tried to run after me. I looked at him, ignored him, and went back to trying to find my keys. "Please?"

I picked up the keys out of my purse and sighed. "Why?"

Sal looked at me and his facial expression went dull. "Forget it, then." He started to walk away.

"Wait," I stopped him. "Get in," I nodded my head at the car. He turned around and did what I told him. I turned the car out of the parallel parking spot and headed toward the Boston Commons.

It was silent for a minute until Sal spoke up. "Why'd you run out on me Saturday?" He asked.

"I thought I was ready, but I wasn't," I looked at the red light, the sun in my eyes. "It's hard because-"

"You feel guilty because of Dan," he interrupted me. I looked at him scrunching my eyebrows at the fact that he cut me off like that. "You know, you can't be alone forever because you feel like your dead boyfriend is disappointed that you found someone else." The tone of voice that Sal used sounded incredibly rude, so I pulled over next to a sidewalk.

"Get out," I demanded.

"What?"

"Get. Out." My eyes were tearing up and my face was red. I was angry.

"I didn't mean anything bad-"

"I don't care."

"Listen, nothing will work out if we don't talk. I'm sorry that I said it like that. I shouldn't have worded it like that." His face was apologizing along with his words.

I turned back in front of me and mumbled, "Fine." I started driving and we were close to the commons. I parked on Beacon Street and we walked to the park not saying a word to each other.

"I'm sorry," Sal apologized again.

"You don't need to apologize," I said with a soft voice. I wasn't one to hold grudges and I felt as if I overreacted. The air was chilly, but comfortable enough to be outside. We sat on a bench and he put his left ankle on top of his right thigh, his arm on the top of the bench.

"If Dan wasn't dead, I'd still be with him and I wouldn't even know who you are," I was talking quietly.

"That's the thing about you. You live in the past," Sal replied. I didn't know what to say back, so I looked at the ground. "I'm in the same position as you, you have to remember that."

I inhaled the air of the park. "It's hard for me."

He placed his hand on my thigh. I shut my eyes and gulped, moving it off. He pursed his lips and made a fist, regretting his movement. "I can make it easy for you. I can help you with everything. We can be each others rock and stick through everything."

I looked into his green eyes and I felt a tear go down my cheek. It hurt. The fact that I lost someone that I loved and had stupidly turned to drugs and alcohol for help. The fact that I have known Sal for only a week and he's already willing to be everything for me. I placed my head softly on his shoulder, not saying anything. Sal shut his eyes in relief and let his arm go around my back, his hand carressing my arm. In that moment, I felt like everything will be okay. Sal was right, I do live in the past and it isn't healthy. I picked my head up and placed my forehead on his. I let my lips brush against his softly, and I could feel him grin behind his lips. I really did enjoy Sal's presence. He was comforting in a way I've never seen anyone be, even Dan.

"Maybe it's just destiny," I whispered. I looked up at the sky to look at Dan, seeing nothing but blue. It still hurt, but not as much as it did in the beginning.

Sal used his thumb to move my head to face his and he did nothing but look into my eyes. "You've got beautiful eyes. They're a shade of brown I've never seen before on someone."

I smiled and looked down shyly. He lifted my head up again and smiled. He kissed me once again. My heart was flopping all over the place and by stomach was tight. Dan was out of my head in the moment, but this time it felt okay.

----

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke."