Going Back

Chasing Ghosts

Lindsay's POV:

It's been 4 days since Jen died. The doctors said that her injuries were too severe for her to survive and the coma would have only made the pain greater and could cause infections. There was no other option except to give her morphin and let her do the rest. I couldn't bear to say goodbye already to my one and only love. I had spent half of my life away from her and had gotten her back to start our lives together and now she's gone. Sitting by her bed, I hold her hand. "Jen, I am so sorry that I let you down. Please don't leave me. I need you so badly, these kids need you to teach them sports and how to get girls and stay away from boys. I need you to just be here for me. I love you, you were the only one for me since the beginning. Please don't leave, not yet. This isn't what we had planned. We planned to have a house on the hillside, a white picket fence. The perfect lives, with our kids and a dog or three." I didn't realize I was crying until i felt them hit my hand. "Jen, please. I know you can hear me, you're all I have." I lean over her, kissing her gently. As I sit back down, I realize something. "I know you're in pain, so please, always know I am so in love with you. It's okay sweetheart, let go. Relieve yourself of the pain, of all the hurt you feel. I'll always love you, forever and always." Not a moment after the "s" slips from my tongue, the cardic monitor sounds a flat tone, different from the consistent beeping I had heard a moment ago. All I feel is my heart shatter and I break down. 

She's gone.

Today is her funeral. Thankfully, the Corps is paying for it. I don't know how I am going to hold myself together, but I have to. We have four kids who need me to be their mother right now. As we arrive at the church and go in to take our seats, I notice they have memorials for Ryan, Joe and Alec. I cry harder. The Father says a few words, Jen's sisters each say something, I didn't go up because I knew I wouldn't be able to get a word out. The men and women from Jen's platoon carry her casket out to the burial site with Logan and Jackson marching behind in their suits. The 21 gun salute rings through the air as Taps follow. Two men fold her flag, closing their eyes and saying a silent last prayer for her before turning and handing it to me. Logan stands and salutes, tears in his eyes but a look of determination on his face as Jen's Sergent places her dog tags around his neck and her service cap on his head. 

Alex walks over to Logan and places her hand on his shoulder as she salutes for the last time to her best friend. Wiping away a tear, she lets her hand run across the oak before leaning down and kissing it as though to say she will see her again soon. This wasn't a goodbye, it's a see you later. She removes her own dog tags, laying them with the roses before turning and walking back to her girlfriend. 

The twins carry Jackson up, laying their roses down and say their silent goodbyes. I stand and Logan takes my hand, walking with me. I lay down my rose; this is it, this is our final goodbye. I will never know another love and I never hope to. Logan places his mothers favorite picture he had drawn of them when he was 4, whispering "I'll see you again one day mom, I love you. I won't let you down." Looking up at me and knodding we kiss the casket before walking away. 

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*12 years later*

"Logan, are you sure you packed the things you will need? I won't be there to do everything for you!" I say, locking the front door. 

"Yes mom, everything is packed and I am ready. Come on, or I will miss check in! It's my first day at the Naval Academy and I can't be late! Marines are never late, Mom taught me that..."

Logan sighs, joining the Marines was his #1 goal after his mom passed. I enrolled him in a military school where he graduated early and was ahead of the game to enroll at the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland where he will continue his education and graduate as an Officer. I am so proud of him and all that he is accomplishing and I know Jen would be boasting about him to everyone. All of his success and how her other kids are doctors and lawyers and Jackson is going to become a Veterinarian. These kids were her pride and joys.

Alex stops in every once in awhile while she's still in town but it's rare these days as she is in a very popular punk rock band that tours all over the world. When she is here, we talk about Jen for hours as we kill off a case of beer and a bottle of Jen's favorite Rum and Whisky. It's been almost 7 months since her last visit so I am expecting her soon. 

Jen's mom still hosts family dinners every Sunday and there is always a new story of something Jen had done. She is very much a part of everyone's lives, even after she has gone. I visit her grave everyday after work and sit and talk to her as though she was still here with me. It's been 12 years and not once has anyone caught my eye like she has, she is all I ever wanted and will ever need. One day, we will be together again but for now, it's okay that we aren't. Our kids need me and I will be there for them for a very long time.