Going Back

Bulls in the Bronx

The past couple weeks have really sucked for me, my dad has cancer, my wound isn't healing very well, I broke my ankle running last week and my moms mad at me for some strange reason once again. Thankfully Lindsay and the babies are doing well, they are the only thing keeping me afloat right now. I've been having vivid dreams of over-seas and it's scaring me because I can't slip back into the dark period of PTSD. Lindsay and I went out to lunch with the sperm donator and got to know him and who he was as a man and what we can see our kids will turn out to be. I'm very pleased with our decision, even though I could not be there for the insemination. The expected due date is July 17th, 8 days before my birthday.

Right now i'm standing in front of those boys graves, the moment I saw them, i fell to my knees and began to cry. It's so hard to know that they're gone and i'm still here. The worst part is that I was supposed to be there with them that night but I hadn't felt good so I stayed home and then... It kills me every time I think about it. I lay the roses down on each headstone and sit there, curled up in a ball. Why them? They were the best guys i've ever met. The BEST Marines to ever go through. Now, i'm stuck here to live without my best friends. I stand up and limp back to my truck. I barely get the door shut before the tears hit me. I compose myself before I make the drive back home. Once home, I lay in bed and take a nap before Lindsay gets home.

I feel her crawl into bed, wrapping her thin slender arms around my toned body. I keep my eyes closed but I breathe in her familiar scent.

"How are you feeling baby?" She asks, biting my shoulder.

I laugh and look at her, shes smiling. "I'm better than I was, definitely."

"Janet called today, she needs to know what kind of flowers we want for the wedding." I nod and stay silent, thinking. I get up and grab a beer, laying back in bed.

"I want Tiger Lillies, you know that babe." She smiles and nods.

"Just making sure princess." She goes and changes into her pajamas, throwing me a change of shorts and a beater to wear. I change quickly, spreading out on the bed as Linds walks out of the bathroom and stops and stares at me.

"What are you doing Jennifer?" I laugh and roll back onto my side as she lays down beside me. We kiss, stopping before it becomes too intimate. She curls up in my arms, holding her belly. I lay there, thinking and mentally preparing myself for our wedding, which is only 2 months away.

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*2 months later*

Holy Shit. It's here and i'm so nervous that I could throw up all over my tux. I sit down, grabbing a bottle of water and steady my breathing as my brother in laws walk in, they wore black and red with a bow tie. I fix my uniform, pulling my pants up and then pushing them back down. I look over at Jared as he smiles and walks over to me.

"Calm down Trigger, it's okay. You'll be perfectly fine, alright? She doesn't care about anything but marrying you, so chill."

I know he's right but I can't help but be nervous. She's about to pop any day now and this is gonna take a lot out of her so if she goes into labor today, I don't know what i'd do! I begin pacing in front of the door until Janet comes in and tells me that it's time. I follow her and follow her directions until my groomsmen and I are standing up in front of my entire family and all our friends. I begin to sweat, i wipe my hands on my pants to calm myself down. I stiffen when I see our mother's begin to walk down the aisle; my heart begins to race. I bite my lip, Jared lays his hand on my shoulder to calm me down as the bridesmaids begin to walk down towards me. Jared squeezes my shoulder, a sign, "Here she comes." I listen, my eyes shut as the procession song begins; We had many songs to choose from but we chose our favorite, "Bless the Broken Road; Instrumental" By Rascal Flatts. I smile to myself as I feel a tear roll down my cheek. As I open my eyes I see her face first, then I let my eyes trail down her body and dress and I feel another tear roll down my cheek. She's so beautiful; she smiles as her father escorts her down the aisle. I watch her, grinning from ear to ear, eager to finally be able to make her my wife; It's so close and it's killing me! I have to hold in my desire to kiss her as her father passes her hand to mine. I hug him and I see he's crying, which in turn, makes me cry. I turn myself back to Lindsay and it seems as though the world has fallen away and it's currently just the two of us standing there. I can't help but stare at how beautiful she is. Even more beautiful than she is when she wakes up in the morning after a long night out. I feel Jared gently hit my back, bringing me back to reality as I realize we are supposed to be saying our Vows. I quickly pull out my paper and look at her and smile.

"Lindsay, you've been there since day one, you've taught me how to love, how to appreciate the little things in life no matter how small they are, you are my inspiration to be the very best I can be. I am the person I am today because of you, you have made me realize that I am strong and courageous, that honesty and trust should come first in a relationship. I want to show you that my love for you will never die, not even when our hearts stop beating. I want to be the best mothers for our children and give them the life we've always dreamed. I love you Lindsay, I will make sure i'm all you've ever wanted. I will give you the world. I will protect you and I will care for you for as long as we both live." I see her eyes tearing up, I lean forward and gently wipe them away. We both say we do and Joe barely gets out the words before I'm kissing her with all my might. I'd been waiting my entire life for this day. All I could think of suddenly was that my best friends couldn't make it to my wedding, but yet I knew that they were watching, laughing and making fun of everything I did like they did at camp. Lindsay and I both decided to keep empty chairs for them and to play a song we used to sing and dance to together, in memorial that they couldn't be there...

We danced and laughed and had the best time that night, but sadly, it had to end but by then I was wasted so I barely realized it. The bridal party got in the limo and went back to the hotel for the night. I was a bit scared to hear the stories of the night, but hey, it was the best day of my life to be able to finally sleep in the same bed as my wife.

The next step will be getting those little chitlens here safely so they can meet their mommies!