Yes, Sirs (Book 1 of Desire's Den)

Chapter 138 - Emma

No. No, no, no, no.

This couldn't be happening.

This could really not be happening.

"Are you okay?" the guy, Liam, asked again. I jumped slightly when he put a comforting hand on my shoulder, trying to get me to look at him, but I couldn't open my eyes. I didn't want to open my eyes. If I did, I would see him, and then all of this would be real

Please, don't let it be real.

"Just like what you'd imagine business ethics to be about, you will learn about the ethical issues within business as well as values and morality. After this semester is over, you should understand the basic concept of ethics and its part in business and be able to recognize and analyze ethical problems," Mateo continued, hammering into me with his voice that he was, in fact, my professor.

The man I was falling for was my professor. The realization swirled inside my mind, but I couldn't acknowledge it. It hurt too much.

It was forbidden for a professor and a student to be together. The truth sat like a stone in my stomach.

If there was one genuinely honorable man I knew, it was Mateo. It was one of his qualities that endeared me to him. He wouldn't disregard the rules; they were in place for a reason. And I... I couldn't let him risk losing his job—the job he loved—because of me. Granted, he would quit after this semester was over, but I knew he wanted to get back to teaching at some point, and I didn't want to be the reason he wouldn't get rehired as a professor.

I almost wished I was egoistical. I almost wished I could make myself keep him and persuade him to keep me. We could be a secret, no one would ever know, I imagined telling him. But in the end, I could never demand that of him. He had to choose it himself without me whispering in his ear.

When Liam squeezed my shoulder, I finally answered. "I'm fine." I wasn't fine, but for now, I needed him to back off and let me think.

What could I do? What was there to do? I could talk to my adviser, but then again...I needed this class. It was one of the required classes I needed to graduate.

As Mateo continued talking, it was like he was repeatedly battering my heart, making me bleed and hurt.

Steeling myself, I forced myself to turn towards him and opened my eyes. My breath caught as I stared at him, and no matter how much I'd tried to prepare myself, I would never have been truly ready for the sight of him.

Mateo was wearing a tailored dark blue suit, looking so beautifully different from what I was used to. This, right here, in front of his students, was where he belonged. I could see in his eyes the joy he felt being back at work. I could see the love he had for his job.

My eyes flitted to the people filling the seats, and only now seeing that the majority was female. Each and every one of them was entirely focused on our professor, taking in his every word and devouring him with their gaze.

I think I'm going to be sick, I thought, feeling my stomach clench and nausea gripping my throat

Only six days ago, he'd fucked me so tenderly and it had been easy to imagine that he'd been making love to me instead.

Only two days ago, I realized I was falling for him.

Only one day ago, I'd woken up in his arms.

And today, no matter how little I wanted to face it, things would quite possibly change between us.

He hadn't seen me yet. I could tell in the way he talked and the way he moved. He was calm and collected; relaxed. I didn't want him to notice me because whenever he eventually did, whatever had been building between us would shatter, and probably me along with it

I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying—all I heard was his voice, not his words. It was a voice I'd fallen asleep to and a voice I'd waken up to.

Finally, it became too much, and I had to look away. The blank notebook on my table filled my vision; the parallel lines the only thing I could see. I was transfixed by them as if I was so desperate to grab onto something other than the reality I was living in at the moment.

For a few moments, my heart slowed down, and I felt almost calm, but it didn't take long until Mateo brought me back.

"We won't be doing any icebreakers," he started, and the students let out a relieved sigh. "But I do want each of you to present yourself to class." Now they groaned, and he chuckled. "I know, but I assure you, it'll be painless. Your name, age, and major will do. Why don't we start in the back?"

He must've indicated to someone to start because a second later, a girl spoke up. "My name is Melissa, but everyone calls me Liz. I'm twenty-three years old and majoring in psychology." She was a pretty girl with long black hair. She had gone all out with both the outfit and makeup.

We jumped to the next girl beside Melissa, and the next, and the next.
I couldn't not listen to the girls as they introduced themselves. Some—more than I would've liked—sounded flirtatious as they talked, their eyes only on him. Jealously ran through my bloodstream, and I wanted to tell them that he was mine. They couldn't have him.

Of course, I didn't, but I wanted to.

My hands grew clammy as the introduction moved further down the rows, closer to me. Mateo still hadn't seen me, as he politely gave his attention to the ones speaking, and God, I was afraid of his reaction when his eyes met mine. Would he show me the same distant but polite attention as he'd shown the others? Would his expression grow cold, knowing the inappropriate connection between him and his student? Or maybe he wouldn't look at me at all. Maybe he couldn't bear to, just like I couldn't bear to watch him.

Minutes trickled down until the next one to speak was a girl right behind me. I looked anywhere but at him; I was too much of a coward, but I swore I could feel his eyes on me. My nerves came alive, and the effect he always had on me was all the more present now that I was trying to ignore it.

I squeezed my eyes shut as it came time for Liam to introduce himself, knowing it was my turn after him.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't fucking do it. I didn't know how I would be able to meet his eyes—to see the emotions swirling in his ocean blue orbits.

My heart beat so fast I was afraid I'd pass out, and I could barely hear anything over the sound of the blood pounding in my ears.

Liam poked me in the shoulder as he sat back down, urging me to present myself to the class.

Taking in a shaky breath, I rose up from my seat. When I opened my eyes, they locked on to Mateo's. And the moment we did, something inside of me broke because I could see he was shutting me out. I couldn't read his emotions as I'd started to learn how to. The only giveaway that even hinted at his feelings was his clenched jaw.

"Eh... I'm Emma, twenty-two, and my major is Marketing." I said, surprised my voice came out steady when I was feeling anything but.

I hurriedly sat down again. Not because of the attention from the students, but because of him. A few seconds of him looking at me, and I could already tell he was retreating from me—from us—as if he was distancing himself. Maybe he was playing a role for the other's students benefit, but it still hurt.

A part of me knew then and there that we would never be the same. The Mateo I saw yesterday, with his mischievous smiles and twinkling eyes, wasn't the same Mateo that was now standing in front of me. This one was stern, his voice was firm and distant, and he carried an authority vastly different than when he was dominating me.

This wasn't the man I knew. This person was forbidden and untouchable, and right now, I was aching for his comfort, but he couldn't give it to me. I was afraid he didn't even want to.