Detention | NCT Lee Taeyong x reader

53

*Warning! This chapter contains mentioning of regret. Regret with being able to live. PLEASE do not read the part where the letter starts if it disturbs you. 

"Guys I have an idea. How about we all write something we want to leave behind and burn it." Yuta said.

We all agreed and he went to get some pen and papers. We all wrote down what we wanted to leave behind. It took us all a while to finish. The first to finish was Amber. Her paper was filled completely. 

It was amazing to see all of us do this and was actually determent to do it. "Shall we burn this down right before midnight?" Johnny asked. "Yeah." Yuta responded. 

*

This is what I wrote down: I want to be able to forgive myself and accept my present and future. I know it wasn't my fault that my grandparents passed but if I wasn't even in existence they would still be here. They were still able to do so much. If I wasn't here they would've probably traveled around the world instead of taking care of me. I want to be able to forget my parents wrong doings by not taking care of their responsibility. They left me in the care of the 2 most precious people I know and now I regret it. There is nothing I can do about it but it hurts me knowing that all of this happened because of my parents and because of me being here. I sometimes think about how I should've been the one to pass. But I can't change the past. How can I leave this regret behind? I still haven't found my purpose in life. I don't want to be under anyone's care. I want to be able to raise myself so I won't be the reason for someone to miss out on things they could've done. I'll try to be happy as my grandma told me to be. But can I really be happy after all of that? 

*

I began to cry. I am still under Amber's care. I don't want to depend on anybody. I want to be independent. I want to be able to see my worth and purpose in life. I try so hard to be good to others but do I really mean something to them?

All of these thought came racing in my brain. I couldn't stop crying. I tried not to make it obvious that I was crying. I covered my face and stood up. "I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a bit." I said and walked to the bathroom.

I was trying my best to remain calm. I splashed my face with water and looked at my reflection. "I can do this." I whispered to myself. I shall confront my parents one day after my achievements. 

I stayed a while in the bathroom. I was just playing on my phone. I got pretty calm and I felt ok once more. "Y/n?" I heard Amber's voice calling to me. "Yeah?" I asked. "Can you come out for a bit?" She asked. 

I opened the door and walked outside. "Sorry for keeping you waiting. You can go now." I said beginning to walk away but Amber grasped my arm. "Y/n. Why didn't you tell me that you were still feeling this way?" Amber asked.

I pretended to not understand. "What are you talking about?" I asked. Amber can read me like a book so it won't really be at my favor if I lied. "What you wrote." She said. "Oh. That's just a story. Don't worry about it." I said and released myself from her grasp.

"Let's burn them." I said walking to the others. Amber came shortly in the living room as well. "Let me start." Yuta said taking his lighter out of a cabinet. We all went outside with out paper.

"I want to leave my pessimistic self behind." Yuta said as he light the paper on fire. Johnny took the lighter and started to burn his own paper. "I want to leave my non social self behind." He said. 

"I want to leave my grudges behind." Taeyong said and he light his paper up as well. "I want to leave my aggressive persona behind." Amber said and burnt her paper. I took the lighter and started to burn my paper. "I want to leave my dependence on people behind." I said.

"You depend on people?" Yuta asked. "That's what it feels like. Makes me feel guilty and useless." I said and chuckled. "Y/n. I want to be able to understand you. As far as I know is that you don't like to make people care for you. Why is that?" Johnny asked dropping his paper.

We all dropped ours on the floor as well and saw it turn into ashes. "When people care about me it makes me feel helpless and pathetic. It reminds me of the worst memory I have." I said. "I told you that you are to independent for your age. You aren't even an adult yet and look at how far you've come." Amber said. 

"It's not enough to balance my past." I answered. "Y/n please don't push yourself past your limit." Amber said. I nodded and looked at the time on my phone. "Let's drink." I said and they all looked at me. 

"Excuse me?" Yuta asked. "It's almost new years. Let's drink." I said and they all looked at the time. "Yesssss Y/n's first drink." Yuta said pulling me with him inside the house. He placed different alcohols on the table and we all sat down.

"Y/n. Go slow. Don't rush yourself. If you start feeling like you're leaving earth stop." Johnny said. "I think I know how to handle this." I said and Yuta gave me soju. "Wait until it's exactly midnight." Yuta said stopping me from touching the bottle.

It wasn't long until the clock strike 12. "Happy new year!" Everyone said to one another. "Y/n drink." Amber said and I picked the bottle up. I took a sip and felt the bitterness. After that we all began to drink.

I couldn't remember anything after that.