Pretty Boy // H.S

1.

I've never done this before.

I know everyone says that when they're in the same room as one of these people, but truly, I've never called upon them.

For a while, I've known about them. Men talk. They can barely keep their mouths shut. In the office, I can't help but tune into the idle chit chat amongst the team when they think I'm not listening. They assume that because I'm a woman leading a business, I can't possibly know what it means to let loose; that I'm all money no talk. It's worked in my favour, though. All their secrets are saved up in my vault, waiting for the day I can unlock it and spread them across the floor. The day I decide to spill will be the day they finally realise their fragile egos can no longer protect them.

Men like to make women feel insignificant. They convince you that everything you are, is entirely based on everything they have. Every achievement, every progress, it all boils down to their place in the world. I remember reading a study about how men place so much power on their image because they fear losing their value within the respected group of society. It's all about status. Proving you're the best. It's a competition. A fight for survival, if you will.

Now, when a woman enters this equation, the entire framework is disrupted. For women cannot uphold the same strength of men, they cannot even dream of reaching the heights they tower to. No, we must subject ourselves to them, accept the small responsibilities they feed us as if they are gifts to be grateful for. When a woman attempts to reach their level, we are simply knocked down a few floors, forever waiting by an elevator that never arrives.

Despite everything I've worked for, it will always pale in comparison to that of my male counterparts. Every success I've had, every hurdle I've jumped over, it is nothing. Even in my position of power as a CEO of a marketing company, they will never truly listen to me. Never truly accept that I am in charge. I'm not a dominant person by nature, perhaps why my authority is always questioned. It's because I've been subjected to a life of submission. Always say yes. Always listen. Always be quiet.

It's ridiculous for a woman of my stature to even consider behaving that way, yet, I always do. Nerves. That's what it boils down to. The fear of rejection. The fear that I am not good enough. The fear that it will all be for nothing. It eats away at you, nibbling at first so you barely notice, until the teeth sink in and you are trapped in its jaw. Anxiety, as the doctor called it. A feeling of unease, worry. That's an understatement. I'm not sure what caused it, I was always under the impression that something traumatic would have to happen in order for it to develop. Nothing horrendous has happened in my life. My father left when I was a kid, but that's it. Maybe that's where my fear of men stems from.

Tonight, however, I didn't want to feel scared. I didn't want to feel powerless, because I'd already been made to feel that way by another today.

My fiancé of two years ended our relationship. Said that I am apparently too wrapped up in work. That I bring it home every night. That I only ever talk about my job, and never bother to ask about him. If only that were true. Quite the opposite, really. Every evening he would nag my ear off about the troubles he faced as a struggling artist. Somehow, all conversation centered around him. Which I didn't mind at first. I liked that he was passionate. Ambition is an attractive quality. But only when it's warranted. His work does not require it, as cruel as it sounds.

The one time I mentioned my work was last night over dinner. It's been a year since my inauguration into the company, a year as the head. Which means celebration; lots of it. Parties here, there and everywhere. Parties that I require a plus one for. If I turn up to these dinners by myself, I'd be an embarrassment. Even more unattainable and ridiculous than my employees already believe me to be. Not that it's a necessity for a relationship to be by my side at these events. It's just common courtesy.