Me inside

~9~

           •Sparrow's point of view•

I sigh as I look at the ceiling. It's late at night, so late I shouldn't even be up but I haven't been able to fall asleep. My brain is busy reminding me of things I'd rather forget, complicating everything, and over thinking. I rub my tired and red eyes as I stare up at the textured wall.
Nights like these have started to become more and more common and I hate it. Every bit of it I hate. The memories, the what if's, the crying. I hate it all!
I feel bitter and negative and I know no one wants to be around that, that's why I haven't told anyone what's really wrong. I feel pathetic and stupid for even reflecting on these memories but every time I try to focus on something else my brain wanders back to these thoughts.
I stare over at my school bag, it's way too late to be doing homework but I'd do anything to get my brain to shut up. I stand up and walk over to my bag, unzipping it and digging through the contents. When I find my laptop I pull it out and crawl back into bed. I power it on and wait as it comes to life, I try and focus on the texture of the keys beneath my fingers but my mind continues to focus on certain thoughts.

Thoughts about him.

Thoughts about me.

Thoughts about being dirty.

Being ashamed.

I shake my head as my laptop finally turns on and the Lock Screen loads. I type in my password quickly and press enter, the little circle spins as it works on logging me in. I tap on the keyboard gently as I look around my bedroom. Why can't I focus on anything but these thoughts? Why can't I get them out of my head?
I bite my lip as I hear his voice. The words he's said echo in my mind as I blink back and fresh set of tears. I hate crying, I don't want to cry again.
I shake my head quickly as I open my homework. I frown as I realize there are no new assignments for the next few days, only a couple for next week. When did I get the time to finish everything?
I sigh as I rub my neck and open next week's assignments. The loading sign pops up again and I grumble as I lay down on my side with the computer in front of me. I tap my fingers against the laptop to a random beat as I chew on my bottom lip.
Compulsive thoughts swirl through my mind, they mix with memories, flooding my brain and making me uncomfortable. I growl as a tear runs down my cheek, my fingers rising to quickly wipe it away. I shake my head for the millionth time.
I don't want to think about him. I don't want to think about any of them. The way they looked at me, the things they said. I just want to sleep peacefully for once.

My computer finally stops loading and I feel myself get excited until I read the text on the screen. "Failed to load, try again later."
I groan and slam the lid shut. I need a distraction, I need to do something that requires my full attention. But I don't know what to do. I tried to draw but my brain continued to play these thoughts in my head over and over. I tried to read but the pages became blurry and tear stained. I want to do something reckless, something that will occupy my brain and make me forget everything for a while. I want to drown out my problems until I can't feel. Numbness, I wish I was numb.
I feel helpless, completely at the mercy of my own negativity. It's like I'm trapped in a vault and I can't get out.

"You're so cute," I hear his voice say.

I shake my head quickly. I don't want to see him, I don't want to hear him, I don't want to feel his eyes on me. I don't want to remember anything that happened between us.

"I wish I could take you home," his voice groans.

No matter how hard I try to hold them in the tears start streaming down my face. I wipe frantically at them as I curl my knees into my chest. 
For days now I've only been able to focus on these thoughts. Every time I get a second of peace these thoughts swarm my brain.
I want to claw these memories out of my mind. I want to scream until my throat hurts, punch the ground until my knuckles bleed. I want to thrash around until I'm too tired to move. I feel like I'm falling apart. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I'm so confused and hurt and broken. And I keep over complicating every little thing. My brain keeps asking me what if questions. What if you had been smarter? What if you hadn't been lonely? What if you meet them in the future? What if he does all those things he said he would? What if everyone hates you? What if you deserve this?
My brain keeps playing scenarios in my head, they're graphic and violent. I can't even close my eyes with out seeing him and envisioning his dark desires. In my sleep he waits for me, ready to do whatever he wants, and I can't fight him. My ears are clogged with the sound of his voice. His requests, the things they've asked me to do. I'm always so ready to please and for what? Why can't I see danger when it's presented in front of me?

I place my hand over my mouth to quite my sobbing. I don't want anyone to wake up and hear me. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I don't want to be a mood killer but I know as soon as I open my mouth, nothing positive is going to come out of it.

My eyes dart over to my phone as it buzzes and the brightness of the screen lights up the area. I wipe my tears as I grab my phone off the nightstand and look down at it. There's a message from Jim. Why is he up this late?

Jim: Are you up?

I quickly type a reply as I lay back against the pillows.

Jim: I can't sleep.

I smile lightly as I let him know that I can't sleep either. I wipe the remaining tears from my face as I snuggle into the blankets.

Jim: Is it too late for me to call you?

Me: It's way too late.

I snort as I see the thinking bubble pop up.

Jim: Alight. Why are you up then?

I frown as I look down at the text. I like Jim but there's no way I'm telling him why I'm up. I'm grateful that he even wants to be seen with me at school. I don't need him thinking that I'm a pathetic whore with anger issues. I run my hands through my hair and reply to him in simple words.

Me: I could ask you the same question.

Jim: My dog is snoring.

I chuckle lightly.

Me: He must be as tired as me then.

Jim: Go to bed, we have school in a couple hours.

Me: I've been trying.

Jim: Here. Listen to this, it puts me right to sleep :)

I smile as he sends me some music. I pop in my headphones and lay my head against the pillow as soft jazz plays. I feel my eyes grow heavy as I focus on the sound of the guitar.