One shots

A conversation with myself

(A/N) somehow it came out more like an interview lmao

Look at them. Look at them thrive. Don't they look so much happier than they have in a very long time? Don't they look so much happier than you could have ever made them? They are glowing. 

Do you feel left out? Unfortunately, yes. 

Do you deserve to be left out? Absolutely, 100%. 

But doesn't it feel so much better seeing them happy like this? It does. I'd rather be left out of everything if it means that the grin never leaves their face. I'd rather be forgotten if that means that they continue to have the best time in their life.

You realise you did this yourself right? I do. I hurt them. Something I wish I didn't. But I did. And now I'm seeing the recovery. And I'm so proud of them. I'm not someone that is worth being sad over. And I'd rather have them look back at this time thinking about the fun we've had, rather than the pain I've caused. I'd rather have them think back at what we've had with a smile on their face. I just hope I was able to give them something to strive for. A feeling of how things should be.

Do you regret that you called it off? To be fair, I don't. I saw that we were going downhill. I realised that I couldn't give them what they needed. I couldn't give them the love that they deserve. I couldn't give them all the time and attention they need. I am not the person for them. Not the version of myself that I am now. They deserve someone who puts everything aside for them. Someone who is willing and able to give them the world, the stars and the universe. That person is not me. Not right now. I'm not sure that I ever will be. But who knows. 

Do you regret starting the journey with them? Absolutely not. I'm happy with how far we've come. Especially considering this was so new for both of us. Maybe I wasn't as comfortable with myself as I thought I was. That's definitely not an excuse though. This situation doesn't have any excuses. I messed up. I know I messed up. And I hurt a beautiful person in the mean time. I don't regret anything I did with them, I'm just disappointed in myself for not being able to reciprocate the feeling they put into this. I'm mad at myself for hurting them. I'm mad at myself for letting it happen over and over again. I knew I wasn't good for them. But I just hoped that maybe I could be. That maybe, I could be better. Better than I've been. But I'm not. I know that now. 

Do you still love them? Of course I still love them. Maybe not in the 'lover' kind of way, but I definitely still love them. But I also realise that I hurt them really badly. And I'll have peace with their decision if they don't want me in their life. Because I get it. Memories are painful. Heartbreak is not something to be taken lightly. And they should take some time to let themselves heal. Because I know I didn't, my first heartbreak. And almost four years later, it still hurts. But I don't blame the person who broke my heart. They had a decision to make and they didn't choose me. And I respect that decision. I understand. Just how I will understand if they decide they don't want me. I will respect that and kindly remove myself from the situation. For them. Because they deserve to be happy.

And, how are you feeling? How I'm feeling is not important. All that matters now is that they will be okay. I'll be fine. It's nothing I haven't done before. I know how to pick myself up again. Glue myself back together. I just hope that they know how to do that too. And if anything, that they'll know where to find me of they need me. Because despite the fact that I broke it off, I'm not going anywhere. I want to be a safety haven for people. For people who just need someone to listen and maybe give some advice. I'll be here if they need me. 

So, what now? Now I wait. There is nothing left to do for me. I gave them a choice. Whatever happens to us, is up to them. I've taken a step back. And I'm willing to step forwards again. But I doubt whether that is going to happen. I don't know. We're gonna start a new part of our lives. We're almost graduating. I've started high school on my own and I think I'll leave it on my own. And I'm okay with that. They have their support. They have their group of friends. I hope they will have the best time of their life. They deserve it. 

(No further questions. nO fUrThEr QuEsTiOnS, what is this, court?)