AN ESCAPIST'S REPRESSED DESIRE | poetry

nanay/mama/mum - beautiful faces

tw/general warnings: cultural identity issues, racism (some internalised), fetishisation (of asian people, especially women)

-

hi! i just wanted to say that the writing style of this poem may be quite different to the other poems i've written on here but i wanted to just experiment a bit and i thought it was more suitable due to who the speaker is (i know 11 year olds probably don't talk like this but still). sorry if you prefer that style over this!

also, this poem is quite personal to me too so i've included some references that might not make loads of sense to everyone (which is okay!) so below the poem i've added some context to certain things. i won't explain everything (unless someone asks) because i want to leave some of it up to your own interpretation, but if there is anything that is particularly confusing let me know and i'll try explain it as best as i can!

hope you enjoy reading babes xx

-

nanay, you said when i was young
i spoke your mother tongue
but we moved and we switched
so that i wouldn't get confused.

but mama, i'm still confused
i don't know who i'm meant to look like
what to be like
how to deal with myself.

don't get me wrong though, mum
i don't blame you.
i really don't.

nanay, they have the same faces as me
because we have the same blood
yet for so long, i couldn't see them in myself.
mama, they say i look like them
because my skin is lighter
and my lips talk differently.
mum, what am i supposed to say to that?

nay, on my cheeks are the bruises of trauma
suffered by fossils, remains of my history
they're on yours too,
you've told me about them
it weaves into your tales
about monkeys and turtles and
trees and pineapples.
it taints my smile in ways i never realised
because history isn't just the distant past
it's their stories. mine too. i think.

mama, on my lips are their cursed ideas of me
one reason why i'm 11 and i tug at my skirt
on my way to school
as my fathers words echo
echo in my head.
blue is over red, stars are on white,
early monday ceremony
and i'm humming a familiar tune
and mumbling lyrics that don't mean
as much i want them too.

mum, in my eyebrows are the creases of
confusing surprise every time
they mention my birthplace.
i don't know why the realisation of me,
of them is so shocking.
they exist to other people too?
i'm a part of them?

mama, i guess they're beautiful.
no!
sorry, mum, i've done it again.
they are beautiful.
i swear i mean it, they just get to me sometimes.

people keep telling me who they think i am
maybe they're right
i'm them but burdened with high expectations
i'm them but looking with different eyes
what does that even mean, ma?

they say i can't have problems because
they say we get paid more, because
their image of me is better than the others,
at least because
they think i'm not like them, mum.
is that true?

mum
mum please
mum i don't know who i'm meant to look like
what to be like
how to deal with myself.

-

context & explanation:

• "nanay" is mum in filipino. "nay" is a shortened version of it.

• "we moved and we switched/so i wouldn't get confused" is a reference to how parents whose first language isn't english may refrain from talking to their child in their native language due to the myth that being a bilingual household will "confuse" the children.

• "your tales/about monkeys and turtles/and trees and pineapples" are references to filipino children's stories/folktales. my parents used to tell me their own retellings of the story of the monkey and the turtle, and the legend of the pineapple, so that's why i referred to them.

• "one reason why i'm 11 and i tug at my skirt" refers to the fetishisation that a lot of asian women especially have to deal with, and a lot of the other lines too talk about similar things. the idea of what an asian woman/girl in particular plagues the speaker because she isn't a stereotype and knows this but doesn't know how to deal with it.

• "blue is over red, stars are on white" i think i've made a similar reference to the blue, red and stars thing in a previous poem-it refers to the filipino flag.

• "early monday ceremony/and i'm humming a familiar tune/and mumbling lyrics that don't mean/as much i want them too." this is about flag ceremonies which would happen to every monday morning where we'd have to go to school a bit earlier, and announcements (and etc) would be made. most importantly though the national anthem would be sung (and the patriotic oath would be said). due to the disconnect from her cultural identity and just trying to figure it out, she finds that it doesn't mean as much to her as she thinks it should.

• "they say i can't have problems because..." the entire stanza is a reference to the 'model minority" concept.