It's Always Been You

It hurt me to let you go.. but it killed me to push you to someone else.

From that day I tried to maintain my distance with nong. But obviously my stupid best friend made it more difficult for me. He wanted me to ask nong, if he really is ready to be with Korn or not. Although I refused to ask Pharm, I tried to know if he really felt the same like Korn did or not. 

Pharm always kept a diary with him all the time. I wonder what was in there, I was so curious. But of course it would be very wrong if I read someone’s personal diary. So I always just stared at it curiously. 

One day when Pharm went to pick up his ordered food, he left his diary on the canteen table. I saw something was popping out like a note may be, out of curiosity I pulled the note and saw it was Korn’s photo, printed in a small page. I felt a sharp pain on my chest, like someone stabbed in my heart. Without telling anything to anyone I put back the pic in his diary. 

I have never told that to Korn. I still feel guilty why I didn’t tell him. He would be happy. The jealousy and the pain made me silent. So I couldn’t tell.

Although I didn’t tell him, he managed to convince me to ask about him to nong Phram. 

Thit ass**** , can I ask your crush to be my boyfriend Ai’sat? - that was my inner thought. I was angry at him, but what to do when your best friend's life depends on you.. 

I remember it was 1st June 2019. I messaged nong if he is free to go out with me for some shopping at Siam Square. I was praying for his refusal. But my last hope vanished when he replied he will be there at 4 pm.   

When I saw him I fell in love with him for the nth time. That bright smile on his face, those sparkling eyes, that small figure and his sweet voice, makes me crazy every time I see or even think about him. 

“Kothor khab P’Dean.. I was late for the traffic jam. I hope P’Dean is not angry with me na khab..”

Oh! no, I can never be angry with you my love, what do you want just tell me, I will bring every star of this universe if you want..

“Noo. Don’t say like that. You know I can never be angry with you. Also you are only 10 mins late. So don't worry too much.”

Yes I call him noo, my cute little mouse, I tease him like that, but he also responds happily every time I call him like that. We all had special names for him. He was really popular because of his desserts in our group also. 

I really wanted to call him “Leum gleum”, not just because it’s really well suited for him but also that was the first thing I tasted made by nong. Unfortunately it was not just mine but also Korn’s favourite dessert, and obviously our mind work on a same certain way so Korn gave that name to his beloved nong.. 

😔😔😔

“P are you ok? You seem really sad today.. you are not even eating your favourite noodles khab. Is something bothering you?”

Pharm’s concerned voice snapped me back to reality. We had some wonderful time together for the whole evening. Although the shopping was an excuse for asking nong to come here, I really enjoyed his company, and now I am more sad to ask him about my best friend. 

Korn was always like this, whenever he wanted something he always pushed me to get that for him, too scared to even ask. I never realised his cowardness will cost three lives’ happiness in future.

“Nong, it’s fine.. I am ok.. just some assignments.. I need to finish.. nothing else..”

“hmm.. you and P’Korn always study hard, good at sports, good at study, good at everything. You guys always inspire me to work hard na khab. Please don’t forget to take rest also.”