Misfortune (Bucky Barnes)

47• Feel Something

' Feels like we've
been through war together
Feels like you've
been right here forever. '
-Lizzy McAlphine, "I Don't Know You At All"
~

When I wake up, all I can think of is Bucky Barnes's arms. It's a stupid thought really but I find myself trying to lift my body up to get to him. An arm gently holds me down and I grip it for a moment for clarity. Then it occurs to me, my fingers are wrapped around this person's skin and I feel nothing.

The biggest smile falls onto my face as I look up to see King T'Challa and Shuri standing above me. I keep my hand on T'Challa's amazed by his sisters work.

"I can't believe you did this," I say cringing at the piercing pain radiating through my head. I however, would take my own pain over having to feel anyone else's ever again.

"It only took 6 days," Shuri says with a proud smile. "It would have been shorter if it were not for the constant hovering in the labs," T'Challa adds pointing towards the door.

My eyes immediately go to the open doorway to see my sister standing there. T'Challa follows his sister out of the room while I open my arms to Lou letting her fall into me. This is what I've always wanted. To hug Louise and truly feel comfort in her arms. She laughs and cries all at once putting her warm hands on my cheeks. Her and I both lack the words to express how we feel so she runs her finger along my forehead instead.

"That will leave a brutal scar," she says noting the stitches on my hair line where Shuri cut into my head.

"What's the point of life if not to collect some badass scars along the way?"

Lou smiles at me again pulling me in for another tight squeeze.

"I'm happy I could do this one thing for you," she whispers into my ear. "The world feels so much brighter when you're smiling Theodora. It's all I could ever want."

I know the happiness I feel now will not last. The demons inside my head are never truly gone, just at bay in this moment. But I will slay one thing at a time, and right now I will let myself feel this overwhelming joy. I will let myself feel it all.

I can hardly contain my excitement when my sister pulls away.

"Where's Bucky?"

She rolls her eyes while grinning at my question.

"The man wouldn't stay out of the surgery room. When Shuri had a small slip up and the alarm went off, he panicked. Steve and I got him out of there but we decided it was better to keep him in a room until you woke up."

This makes the smile on my face widen. I never knew what it felt like to have someone love you. To be cared for, to be worried over, to lose sleep over. Bucky is a man of little words but I appreciate everything he has done for me. And all I want now is to show him that.

Lou turns her head toward the door and reaches out her hand to me, "come on let's go get him."

She helps me out of the bed and into the hallway. I will admit my head throbs with every step, but I don't want to waste anymore time unconscious.

My stomach rolls with anxiety considering the last time I saw Bucky I was laying in a field of goats spewing all my thoughts and feelings aloud. My sister must sense my nervousness because she gives my hand another squeeze like she may never let it go.

"You're gonna love it here, it's so quiet yet so open. There's so much to learn and experience Theo. Won't it be wonderful to live in a place where you don't have to hide?"

Lou is babbling which is a sign she has something to say but won't directly say it. I decide to question her about it later when we arrive at a door connected to the labs.

She finally lets go of my hand and turns to give me a smile.

"I can see how much you mean to him sister, please don't be afraid to feel it all for him."

She leaves me standing there in front of the door with her words ringing in my head.

Feel it all. Feel it all for him.

I decide to take her advice and push the door open with confidence. He stands up the second he hears it open.

Bucky's hair is pulled back out of his face, his beard has grown wildly since I've last seen him. His eyes go right to the stitches on my head and then back down to my face. I walk up to him slowly, so completely lost as to what I should say. I mean what do you say to the man who has seen you at your absolute worst and still treated you with care?

I want to kick myself when the words leave my mouth. But all I manage to settle for is, "Hi Buck."

He seems to be frowning but it's hard to tell with his constant scolding look. His piercing eyes make me curious of what he's truly thinking.

"Hey Theo," Bucky responds as his eyebrows crease with concern.

I decide to turn off my mind and let my emotions do all the talking. I rise to the tops of my feet and throw my arms around his shoulders letting my fingers tangle in his dark locks. I've waited too long for this. To inconsequentially fall into him without a single worry in the world. I believe I've finally arrived at a place where I deserve to feel something. And I do feel everything with him.

He's stunned for a moment but quickly folds one arm around my waist, the other lays on the back of my neck. I shiver at his finger tips touching bare skin but melt into him immediately.

"So this is what I've been missing this whole time, eh?"

His soft chuckle is like music to my ears. I hold onto him tightly, like he's the last thing on earth. I grasp him like he is the air I need to breathe. And maybe he is, maybe he's been my life line all along. Perhaps I've needed him all along.

"I missed you," Bucky says quietly, keeping me pressed to his chest.

"I promise you Barnes, I'm not going anywhere without you. Not again."

His large hand is on my bare arm rubbing soothing patterns into my skin and I pray to god the feeling in my gut never goes away.

"You swear?"

I smile into his chest. Bucky Barnes is a pure saint in my eyes and no one can change my mind about that.

"I swear to you."