Cigarette Daydream

Oh, I cannot explain whats going down

[𝙾𝚑, 𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗]

((Kalytrix PoV))
(callie•tricks)

It's been a few days, it's time for the appreciation ceremony for Fleur.

I sat down at my usual spot at the Gryffindor table.

We had one of these last year for a third year Hufflepuff who couldn't take life anymore.

The Slytherins cried believe it or not. The Hufflepuffs were silent, staring at each other finding the will to not cry over the death of there housemate, instead carrying the melody of her.

The Ravenclaws watched the ceremony, not knowing what to do with themself's.

And the Gryffindors, we came together the next night, despite the age differences and our small feuds with each other, raising our wands in memory of her at 2:22am, the other houses joined with this small action, bringing tears to many's faces.

Not the sappy tears, the tears that were silent but held the most pain.

Now it's Fleurs.

The one person that cared about me the same way I cared for her.

The person who made me laugh during tough times.

The girl who tried.

I was silent for most of the part, flinching every time Dumbledore said her name.

It's just a talk.

When Dumbledore was finished he asked if anyone wanted to say anything, I stood up.

He smiled at me, I walked to the front of the hall and took a deep breath,

"I can't explain... Explain what's going on. So I will try my best. Fleur" I paused, "Fleur was a girl you could count on. A girl who had the most amazing smile, the humor of the best jokesters and the laugh of an angel. She loved anyone and everyone, the most accepting person ever. Despite our differences, evilness, overactive imaginations, and flaws, she looked for the good in people. She- she was the first person who found the good in me despite my last name. She helped me belong and i'm not about to sugar coat any of this, when I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin she would be the person to help me, she helped me though so much and I never got to thank her. I never got to tell her I loved her. Even after two, full, years of dating. Not once telling her how much I do love her." I was crying pretty hard now, "She was the sun. I preferred the moon. But I loved her anyhow. I am the stars, part of a constellation. A small part of the universe, but our rolls switched now. She's the universe and I am the sun. I now have to be the one keeping others happy." I had to pause for a second, to piece this complicated puzzle in my heart together.

"The two things Fleur taught me is that, the real questions, that everyone is wondering but can't find the answers to is, why do we bother with love when it doesn't last? Why do we bother living when we're going to die? Why do we try our best just to fail? The answer to all of those is that life is short. You shouldn't waste those precious moments putting yourself down when you can spend it bringing yourself up just as easily. That's what Fleur taught me and I want to pass this information."

I take a deep breath and finish with, "Fleur was- an amazing girl. And it would be nice if we could just take a moment of silence for the loss of this amazing soul."

The silence lasted for awhile before we continued with dinner. Everyone was eating and talking like this was a normal day.

I, however picked at my food. Not having an appetite.

"Kams" My nickname from Fred for literary no reason at all.

I look up at him, he gives a light smile

"You need to eat something, Kammie, I know it's hard, believe me I know. But I don't want you to starve yourself."

I appreciated him trying to help but I felt sick to my stomach because of the ongoing situation.

I stab a green been with my fork, I slowly bring it to my mouth.

Three inches.

Two inches.

One inch.

I cant.

I throw the fork down in pure aggravation and rest my pounding head in my hands.

I stand up, with no excuse, and I walk out of the great hall. Silent but painful tears sliding down my pale face, the only bit of color being the freckles on the bridge of my nose and the dark rings around. my eyes.

I go straight to the common room. My legs aching from the long walk, I sit i the couch with a big sigh.

This is going to be a long rest of the shortened school year. Rest of my newly shortened life.

I hear the portrait door open, I don't look to the person, a dip is felt beside me in the tiny couch. The skinnier arms wrap around me, laying my head on the girls chest.

It was Ginny, "Kam?"

"Yeah?"

"The thing I was going to tell you earlier"

She paused for a few minutes, in those minutes we started to cuddle, as friends, on the small sofa-chair.

"Yeah?" I say again

She brushes my hair behind my ear, "This is probably the worst time to say this but I like you Kammie. I really, really like you"

I hug her tight, how do I let her down slowly?

"This means a lot more to me than you think, Ginny, but I don't think i'm ready and... I don't want to get attached knowing i'm just going to leave."

She tensed visably a little, "What do you mean that 'your just going to leave'"

I subtly shake my head, "That's irrelevant. What i'm trying to say is i'm not ready to start another relationship again right now"

She nods in half understanding, "What do you mean by irrelevant, why are you avoiding my questions?"

"I'm not in just tired! That's all.. I'm going to bed, we go home tomorrow and I don't want to wake up late" I lie. I lied.

I lied. Why did I lie? Because I don't want some fake pity.

•

I walked onto platform 9 3/4 Expecting to see my newly found out about, dad. Remus.

That's one happy thing at least! But he wasn't there. Tonks was.

She immediately engulfed me in a hug, "Hey Kammie, how has the past week been?"

"Fine"

And there it is again. That heavy feeling in my chest telling me, warning me, that I should just let go.

Let go of all emotion. Let go of reality. Let go of life.

But I can't. There are so many people who would go through the pain I am feeling and I don't want to be the cause of that.

Not now at least.

~~~~~ 1138 Words ~~~~~