A Dream by Noon.

Chapter 23

I have to stabilize myself on a large boulder that sits nearby. The woman sitting on the top of it, staring at the sky, looks over at me curiously as I take deep breaths and watch Ryan walk away. A whoosh of feelings comes over me and vivid flashes of my old life that had drifted return. Was this just a vision? Part of the healing process? Why would Ryan be here?

When I first arrived, he was almost all I thought about, but it wasn't helpful, to be in two places. To return healthy, it was, it is, important to be completely present, and trust, and so eventually I did. I stopped thinking about him, or my parents or Jason and Andy being worried. 'It will all work itself out after,' Ama reminded me, and somehow, I knew she was right. But seeing Ryan did something to me in an instant that I couldn't explain. Fucked me up was the first phrase that came to mind. The things I felt were like electric shocks pulsing through my body, and I remembered this was what it felt like before. Part of me wanted to stay in that moment, and the other, to push it away. In an instant I was at war inside myself.

I lowered myself down onto the grass, pushing my palms into the earth and closing my eyes. The smells of maple trees and lilacs drifted in and began to calm me, clear my head enough to think.

We were supposed to meet each other. We were supposed to meet each other, I repeated again, remembering. And here he is... Maybe he had followed the same route as me and ended up here. That must be it, I realized. My heart was skipping around in my chest thinking of him spending the time with me here. I wondered if they would let us talk to each other. I thought to myself. He just got here? Does that mean they were right? Days had seemed to pass here, maybe longer, but if Ryan had just arrived, that meant only minutes had passed at home. My trust in this place confirmed even more, I looked at the space where Ryan had just occupied, now the children had returned to playing and the whispers to dissipate.

"A test maybe."

The old woman's voice hitting the silent air like a siren. The words knocked me out of my silent conversation abruptly. I looked around and then up in the direction it came from. The thin old woman sat with her eyes closed on the top of the rock, not looking in my direction.

I hesitated for a moment before responding. "What did you say?"

"Maybe a test for you. What do I know?" she said, shrugging, as if her words hadn't cut into the air like a knife here.

"A test for what?" I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders and said nothing further, and I didn't press. We didn't communicate with each other here. It wasn't explicitly said, it was just known. At least I had thought so. I thought about what she had said, repeating the words over and over. A test? Ama had explained, and the guidebook had gone into detail about it, that the others. About everyone being on their own journey and that 'we don't disturb the journey of others.' My hands trembled and I tucked them underneath my legs to make them stop. Closing my eyes tight, I tried repeating the mantra Ama had given me during one of our first sessions. A meditation of peace and healing. I repeated the chant in my head, over and over and until my hands stopped trembling and then longer still, until my entire body felt centered.

My eyes still closed, I ran my hands through the grass, brushing them back and forth, feeling the soft texture tickle my palms, continuing to chant in my head until my mind was once again quiet. Then, as if just waiting for the space in my head, Ryan was there, sitting next to me on the grass, holding me. I opened my eyes to make him go away. It was all too much.

"But who would be testing me?" I pressed her.

No answer.

A feeling I hadn't felt since arriving. Frustration. I thought about finding Ryan or telling Ama, or asking her if this were really just a test. It began to seem plausible. How could I ever function in the real world if I couldn't even deal with seeing and interacting with people here. I realized I was not even close to being ready to return if one flood of emotions could infect me so much.

Maintaining my spot on the grass, I looked over to see the older woman had left her perch. I searched the area but didn't see her. A fine dust seemed to cover the air around the field, almost make the sky sparkle, like a light fog but with no moisture. I squinted to see it more clearly, reached my arms towards it in wonder, barely noticeable sparkles everywhere. Closing my eyes again, I started repeating the chant, over and over and over.

........................

Ryan arrived in such a state of shock that he did not have to fake any emotions like Erika had told him to. What in the actual fuck was this place. He looked around at what was previously the dark and decrepit hallway, and now he stood in what looked to be an arboretum. On the other side of the door, which he could plainly see now due to sunlight that flooded throughout, was a living room, off white walls, freshly painted, new furniture, plants hung down from the ceiling. He closed his eyes tightly and then opened again to see if everything would still be here. Unreal! He thought. But then remembered Erika's warning, not to get swept up by the beauty of it all.

He allowed it for a moment, touching walls that just seconds before had been covered in mold and rot. Not what it seems, not what it seems, Ryan repeated to himself. Movement beyond the door caused him to duck, but then slowly he crept up to see that it was a small child bouncing down the hallway. The little girl or boy, he couldn't tell from behind, shiny black hair past it's ears, hop-skipped down and out of sight. Ryan continued through the set of doors, curious as to what else lay behind them, and also nervous. Now he knew that what Erika told him was the truth. He was here, after all. Now he just had to keep his head clear and focus on getting Sam back.

It wasn't long before he saw her. Or, she saw him rather. Ama. The thing Erika had warned about. She cannot read your mind, Ryan, but she knows lots of things... information she shouldn't know, and she'll make you feel like she knows even more. She's like a psychic from an infomercial. You won't even realize that you're the one who has given her all the information. Keep your guard up. Answer questions simply, yes or no, okay? Okay, he had told her, half comprehending her words, half... even less than half, believing a word of it, until now. She glided toward him like a witch he thought, and although she was beautiful, smooth dark skin, giant globelike eyes, there was something about her that didn't' seem real, not human, and it made her ugly to him. He tried his best to hide how he felt and what he knew, acted surprised and in awe when she explained where he was and gave him a tour. They walked around the massive gardens, Ama gliding along next to him, Ryan tried not to listen, and then, even though it was what he was there for, felt real shock when he saw Sam standing in the middle of the garden. Just standing there... in this unreal place, as if she belonged. Erika had warned him to pretend not to notice her but he couldn't help it. He stared at her, her long curls falling freely down over a tank top as she stood in the sun.

Quickly he turned but Ama paused whatever she was saying and looked at him sternly, studying. Ryan stared back at her, waiting for his evaluation to end. And then, in a moment, she was walking again, continuing her conversation, Ryan knew not to look back, not to acknowledge her in any way, but Ama was leading him directly by her. He thought this might be a test for them both, and he winced a bit as they passed about 20 feet away, Ryan only looking forward as they finally were out of sight, doing all he could not to turn back around.