Me and Bear

Chapter four

Austin

The alarm rings. I'm already awake so I just switch it off and turn back onto my back to stare blankly at the ceiling. It's wooden, beams visible. Yesterday keeps circling in my head. It goes around and around like a Ferris wheel but instead of a fun-filled ride like at fairs, this one is more of an abandoned-amusement-park type of ride. The circular frame is rusty and the little cabins attached to it creak as they slowly swing back and forth. It's dark outside and cold and there I am, standing at the top of the unsteady construction. The first thought enters its cart and the big wheel starts turning, more and more thoughts getting on the ride that keeps them circling and circling around in my head.

I try to get off the wheel but nothing works, there is somehow nothing to climb down on, the poles that make up the frame always out of my reach. It's too high to jump, I'm scared. I don't want to be on this ride but I can do nothing but watch the thoughts that keep passing under me as I desperately try to balance myself on the precarious structure.

Finally I realise my eyes have closed and I open them to see the familiar wooden beams of my ceiling again. It's work day and I have to get up. I sigh and blink lazily as I roll myself off the bed and into a standing position. My movements are mechanical as if I'm a robot, programmed to do these certain activities in the order and way I do them. That's all there is -- I'm programmed and I do. No thought goes into choosing my outfit or making breakfast. It's always the same, every day a repetition of the former.

The sun peeks through the clouds again as I walk to work but it doesn't bring me joy or warmth. It's just something that is, nothing special. I know it is but... it's not. I can't believe parting with Bruin the way I did yesterday would have such a negative effect on me. Wait, what am I saying? It was the encounter with Justin that derailed me, completely threw me off. It had nothing to do with Bruin, it was all about the past.

I reach the library and unlock the door, not really minding the everyday struggle with the key. I click the lights on, leave my coat and bag in the backroom and take a quick look around the premises. Nothing has changed, what a surprise. Wandering around between the towering shelves I try to focus enough to find myself a book for the day. At one moment I decide to just randomly grab something as it's quite clear I won't be able to concentrate on anything anyway.

Plopping myself into the usual armchair, I take a look at the book I blindly grabbed. Romeo and Juliet. You've got to be kidding me. I've read it once and it's so dramatic it just makes me laugh. But perhaps some laughter is exactly what I need. I puff my cheeks and slowly deflate them before sighing in defeat and settling with the book in my hands. It's not like it's going to last me the whole day, anyway.

No one comes to the library and by the time the end of my shift rolls around I'm exhausted. So very tired am I of thinking and contemplating the 'what if's. Whoever the hell invented those bloody what ifs, I'd like to have a word.

I pull my coat on and tighten the scarf around my neck before swinging my bag over my head. I trudge out of the building and lock the old doors behind me. Numbly remembering I've run out of eggs at home I turn towards the centre of town to go to the store again. The whole trip is a blur, I'm not even sure I paid for the carton of eggs in my grasp. Oh well, I'm sure someone would be chasing after me, yelling.

The box in my hand is heavy, way heavier than it should be and I peek inside to make sure no one has replaced the eggs with rocks as a prank. Nope, just your regular eggs, all six of them, four brown and two white. They sit in the box innocently, waiting to be cracked open onto a pan or into a bowl.

The sound of someone whistling brings me out of my head and I look up only to regret it. It's Justin, walking around with his hands in his pockets like he owns the world, like there are no clouds looming in his world, only rainbows. He's walking towards me and he will notice me any moment. I can't go anywhere, there are houses on both sides of me so no corners to hide behind. If I turn around and go back the way I came he's going to notice me eventually. I stand, frozen, with a carton of eggs pressed to my chest.