Am I that girl you dream of

1.

TW; cutting

"Lorenzo, they don't even want me there." I say, making my way to my closet.

"Of course they do love, they will get used to you, I promise."

"You've been saying that for the past five years. They still hate me." I mutter.

I pick out a pair of tan trousers, black belt, a black turtle neck, platform boots, and a black trench coat. I make my way over to Blaise and Lorenzo, taking my shorts off, leaving me in my underwear.

"I just don't get why they hate me so much. I mean what did I do to them? I'm always nice so I don't get it."

"You know sometimes I really wonder how you aren't a Hufflepuff Smith." Blaise says, shaking his head.  I roll my eyes, continuing to undress.

"It'll be fine y/n. Just ignore them if they start saying shit. Besides we always have your back so no need to worry." Lorenzo smiles.

"What would I do with out you two?" I embrace them in my arms, kissing them both on the head.

"Die from boredom." Blaise mumbles.

~*~

We walk into Malfoy's dorm, shutting the door behind us. we come in here every few nights to drink and smoke. And each time I continue to whine about it. Thankfully Pansy wasn't in our dorm all day, I see her enough as it is, so I got a little break. But of course, as always she's drinking next to Malfoy. It is very difficult seeing her 24/7, seeing that she's best friends with Malfoy, Lorenzo, and Blaise. And how we share a dorm room together.

We all sit in a circle, passing a bottle around. Lorenzo passes it to Pansy after he took it from me.

"I don't want to drink after that Mudblood." She scoffs.

"Pansy just shut up and drink it." Lorenzo says, annoyance dropping from every word.

She makes a face of discus and takes a sip. It goes around the circle several times before Pansy breaks the silence.

"Who wants to play truth or dare?"

Everyone mumbles yes and we start. It finally gets around to me.

"Are you a virgin Smith?" Pansy asks, smirk on her face.

I look down at the floor slightly embarrassed.

"Y-yes"

A grin is tugging at her lips. She asks me another question.

"Have you ever been touched before, Smith?"

I let out a small sigh, looking up from the ground and into her eyes.

"No, Have you?'

She smiles evilly.

"Of course I have. I mean I have fucked everyone in this group, so it goes without saying." She laughs a little and then continues.

"You know, that's actually a lie. I haven't fucked everyone in this group." She say, I look up at her.

"I haven't fucked you, but then again why would I want to fuck a filthy Mudblood?"

"You know Smith, I don't think I've ever heard you touch yourself. I mean what a shame would that be. The little Mudblood cant even use her hands for the only thing they are good for?" she chuckles and then leans forward, breath fanning my neck.

"Have you...ever touched yourself Smith?" She questions.

"Go to hell Pansy." I scoff. I stand up, getting ready to walk out when Lorenzo grabs my wrist.

"Don't leave Y/n."

"I cant stay in here with her Lorenzo." I mumble, looking up from Lorenzo's eyes to see Pansy smirking to Draco.

I pull my wrist from his hand, walking back to my dorm.

I go in, locking the door behind me. It's been a long day.

And of course when I have long days I cut myself.

I walk over to my bed, kneeling down in front of it. I pull out my trunk, open it, and I grab my pocket knife. It might be a weird thing for someone like me to just have laying around but I don't care. I sit down on the floor; in front of the mirror.

I drag the knife across my skin. Blood immediately starts to flow. I start to heat up. I ignore the pain and continue.

A few minutes later I hear the door knob jiggle. Crap its Pansy.

I quickly get up, holding my wrist so the blood wont drip. I grab the knife quickly and run into the bathroom. I shut the door and lock it. I go into one of the cabinets, sorting through the bandages.

Shoot if she sees this and tells people I could get expelled. They might think I'm mentally ill and expel me.

I grab the rubbing alcohol from the cabinet, pouring it on the wounds so they don't get infected. I let out a shriek.

"What was that?" I hear her yell from the other room.

"N-nothing, I just...just stubbed my toe."

I quickly wrap up my arm, pulling my sleeve down over the bandages. I clean up the mess in the bathroom and then walk out.

Pansy looks up at me, eyebrows furrowed, but doesn't say anything.

~*~

That night I couldn't go to sleep. All I could think about was how close Pansy's face got to mine, how her breath swept across my neck. How she smelt of mint and whiskey.

I thought about how her hair fell across her face. I wonder what her hair would look like if I pinned her to the bed. How it would feel in my hands as we kissed. But I would never know how these things felt because Pansy Parkinson hated me.