a feeling of desperation (and the process of finding hope)

chapter 1

What was he gonna do now? The people in his life who he cared about the most - well clearly they didn't care about him nearly as much.

He once had two engagement rings. Engraved in the metal on one was an accentuated cursive letter 'K'; on the other, an 'S'. Now he only had one, with the engraving of an 'S' still barely visible. He had gambled the other ring away weeks ago and had no way of getting it back or knowing where it was now.

He took off the ring he still had and angrily through it across the room, tears welling up in his eyes. "They didn't even have the fucking decency to tell me they were just moving away and forming a whole goddamn country!" He screamed into the abyss of his room, sinking down to the floor, sliding against the wall. He just curled up and started crying. Normally, he'd try and hold himself back, but he was way too overwhelmed to even try.

Months ago, if he was crying for any reason at all, he would always have Karl and Sapnap there to help him with anything and calm his down and hold him in their arms, tell him it was all gonna be okay. Now it was all gone. Not officially, but it felt like it. They were supposed to get married soon and now that seemed like it wouldn't be happening soon - or at all for that matter. Quackity had never felt this lost. Was it his fault? Not entirely, but it sure as hell felt like it. All three of them were somewhat to blame for the whole incident. Karl was supposed to tell Quackity that they were building whatever the fuck Kinoko Kingdom was, and he never did. Whether he forgot or purposefully didn't tell him, Quackity didn't care. Good friends - especially boyfriends would've questioned why Quackity hadn't showed up and tried to find him and talk to him. Neither George nor Sapnap had even thought to do so. But Quackity had fucked up too and he knew it. He knew it was stupid to give away one of his engagement rings just for money.

But in his defense - he was very drunk and a little high.

He would've never even thought to give away one of his most prized possessions whilst sober.

He picked himself up off the floor and looked in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy - although his left eye was always a little red now and he was slowly losing sight in it and it was slightly glazed over with white unlike the other dark brown eye. his cheeks still had tears dripping down. He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand, mindful of the scar running all the way from his lip to his eye. He tried to pull himself together, sitting down at the foot of his bed and then the shiny ring he had tossed across the room minutes before caught his eye. He got up and grabbed it off the floor and a small part of him just wanted to toss it in lava and never see it again, and the other part knew he'd regret doing that just like he regrets selling the other one. Instead, he put it in the drawer of his night stand and flopped backwards onto his bed. He tried to sleep but he never ended up falling asleep. He got up and walked outside of his house to get some fresh air. He walked all across the server.

After about half an hour of walking around, he considered going back home when a sign caught his eye. A sign for none other than Kinoko Kingdom.

He really wanted to go. So he set out and he did. It took a lot of walking but he did it and as soon as he got there and set foot on the premises he was really in awe with the whole place. He knew there was no way that Karl and Sapnap had built all of it but he was still pretty damn impressed.

He kind of just stood there for a few minutes, taking in the sight of all of it.

Then he spotted Karl walk out of his house.

He was sure his heart stopped for a moment.

What is he doing out this late at night? he thought.

He had been so frozen in fear it didn't cross his mind to run until it was already too late and Karl was approaching him.

God he looks good... he thought.

"What're you doing here?" Karl asked and Quackity tried to smile and make it seem like he was fine. Like he hadn't been wrecked emotionally upon finding out that his fiances had practically just left him in the dust.

"What a wonderful thing to say to you're boyfriend that you haven't seen in god even knows how long."

"Sorry, it just surprised me to see you here. We figured you would've stopped by a lot sooner."

"I would've if someone actually told me about it," Quackity mumbled, somewhat in annoyance.

"I thought I did tell you," Karl said and nervously started picking at the turquoise nail polish on his nails.

"Well you didn't."

"I must've forgotten," he sighed.

"Whatever. I'm just gonna go, I'll talk to you some other time," he said and began to walk away and Karl didn't try to stop him. He just whispered a feint 'goodbye' and let Quackity be.

So he went home. He went home and he made a plan to get that book from Dream. He knew it wouldn't be easy, especially with Sam as the warden, there was no easy way in, but he knew how to manipulate his way in there. He had watched and learned from Dream himself who had manipulated pretty much everyone else he ever came in contact with.


The plans to get that information from Dream were a good help from distracting him with his constant thoughts of his deteriorating relationships. It gave him time to ease his mind a little which was kind of ironic because at the same time, this entire thing was making him lose his mind. All because he lost a bet to Schlatt - or technically Glatt, but let's be real, there's no difference between them, personality wise. Quackity hated that Schlatt - the person who he once thought he loved and then did nothing but hurt him. Quackity was glad he was gone and he still found ways to torment him. Now Quackity was helping Schlatt...

All because of a stupid fucking bet.

-

After everything went down in the prison, Quackity felt kinda good about himself. He made dream feel scared, and that was a damn victory in itself, but then on the way home, he passed the sign to El Rapids. The sign that him, Sapnap, Karl, and George had made together. To the town they built together. In a fit of anger and jealousy he walked up to the sign, paused for a moment before tearing the sign apart and removing his friends faces from the sign. He didn't wanna look at it. Not one bit. He ripped the paintings away, prying it from the wood with his bare hands, giving himself splinters in the process. He finished ripping the sign to shreds, wiping his splintered hands on his blood stained clothing. He sighed and stepped back,looking at what he had really just done.

He destroyed a lot of El Rapids that night. Mostly in a mix of anger and spite and having no clue how to deal with those emotions.

He felt lost.

He wanted to go back in time and go back to when everything was perfect and normal.

Back to when him and Karl and Sapnap loved eachother.

Not like he doesn't love them anymore, because he definitely does. He missed them a lot, but he's too angry that they basically betrayed him and haven't even tried reaching out.

-

He laid in his bed that night, tears falling from his eyes, playing with his engagement ring mindlessly. He slipped it onto his finger and looked at his hand and just broke down crying again. Fuck them, I don't need them. I don't want them, and they clearly don't need me, he thought to himself and sat up and took his ring off, tossing it across the room and punched the wall. He didn't know why. It was just a natural reaction to heartbreak for him. He hated showing weakness and even thought he wasn't even around anyone and was in the safety of his own house, he still hated to just cry, especially when he had no one to comfort him.

He always his his feelings.

Even when George told him about Kinoko Kingdom, he wanted to yell and cry and die all at the same time but instead he just smiled and pretended everything was okay.

He most definitely was not and wouldn't be for a very long time.