across - NCT NA JAEMIN FF

ten

NA JAEMIN

For a while, I watch him thoughtfully as he works.

Admittedly I am kinda shocked none of the boys know. Well, most of them. I expected that at least Haechan or Renjun would; they know everything about her. Actually, everyone kind of does. From her favourite colour to the schedule of her period. Even her preferred sanitary napkin brands.

How can we not know where she goes after class?

I mean they. How can they not know where she goes after class?

"I know you're thinking about it. You think it's strange," Beomgyu says as we walk out and I am lost in my thoughts.

I glance at him and am about to automatically respond with the usual 'I hate her' crap, but don't. "Okay fine, yeah it's kinda strange," I say reluctantly. "But we all hide something, maybe she wanted her own thing? The boys know everything about her. What if she just wanted something she could do without them...prying?"

He looks at the ground with uncertainty. "That really doesn't seem like something she would do. She never says it, but behind the complaining and rants she tells me about the boys, I know she wouldn't have it any other way. They're kind of the only people she has and she's happy they're there for her." He suddenly goes sad.

"It's kinda sad you know because...I don't know why but–was it Monday?–she asked me why I chose to be her friend. I thought she was joking, but when I saw she wasn't, it hit me. She really looks down on herself. She's really insecure and has no idea she's an amazing person. Really, many people would be lucky to have her as their..." He fades out like he just comes to his senses and realizes he's talking to me.

He clears his throat. "Anyway...I'll try and ask her. Thanks for listening to all that."

...

He looks at me warily and waves while walking away as we've already reached the entrance of the school. "Bye hyung!"

I watch him with a blank expression, my mind stuck on his words.

She asked him on Monday, a day after our argument. Did she mention why she did? I guess I'll have to trust not because Beomgyu doesn't seem to hate me yet.

I walk home stuck in my thoughts, and there is a very slight chance that I'm thinking that I may have gone too far with my words that day.

But all she said was bullshit. What the hell does she know? I haven't even kissed a girl. And it's not like I knew they were just in it for status.

Yes, all...10? No 7..7? of the girls I dated ended up being the most shallow people I have ever known. And okay I admit, I was a douche once, but I was SEVEN and new to jealousy. At that time I didn't know how else to get a girl's attention besides the way people did on TV. All I did was put my arm around her and give her chocolate on valentines. When it did nothing, I gave up and was told off by Jeno.

"Jaemin you'll never get a girl's attention by using other girls. No one really likes people like that."

February 2008; We were both in the playground near our apartment. It was the very first time I was emotionally bothered by a girl.

In other words, I cried. Yes, I–a 7 year old–cried because the girl I liked didn't notice me.

"What am I supposed to do then?" I sniffed.

He gave me his signature eye smile that up to now works wonders with making people feel better. "If she likes someone else, it's best to move on. It's not like you guys will be around each other forever anyway, right?"