across - NCT NA JAEMIN FF

three

KIM YUN

After that day I'm more careful. I make sure to throw up everything in the toilet and leave the window open in spite of the cold. I use disinfectant to get rid of the smell. I don't call anyone.

Beomgyu doesn't stop bringing me lunch, saying he enjoys doing it since he cooks it and it tastes much better when he has someone else to cook for. He tells me not to bother when I say I can start bringing my own food, so I decide to at least bring my own water. This makes him happy.

And then my meetings with the counsellor. Unfortunately he moved all other appointments and made sure we weren't interrupted this time.

Saturday, 2:12 am. I sit with my legs crossed on my bed, staring at nothing in particular. I take another swig of water to settle my stomach.

Memories of my nightmares swirl through my mind, causing my eyes to water and my whole body to start shivering.

"I fucking hate you," I whisper into the darkness. I wish I could say this was directed toward someone else, but I know it is for me. Because I do, I hate myself.

I am weak and I will suffer for the rest of my life knowing that I don't have and will never have the courage to say something.

Saturday

The boys are out the whole morning for their academy, giving me time to do my chores in peace. Peace meaning silence, not calmness because when I am left alone to think, it's anything but peaceful.

I do my laundry, vacuum the house, and clean my bathroom. I am also supposed to clean out the fridge, but it seems the boys already have and replaced it with some food from their houses.

I receive a message from Beomgyu before lunch, reminding me to eat and I roll my eyes, texting back that I can take care of myself. In our exchange he clearly states that he doesn't believe me and our banter is long enough for me to miss lunch.

"Oh shit," I say when my alarm goes off. I quickly get dressed and pack my bag then set off, no longer bolting the door, deeming it useless. It's not gonna stop them anyway.

I rush down the stairs even though I know this will delay me. I run out the building and wait at the bus stop. I check my phone constantly for the time and end all the calls coming in.

Ten minutes later, my desired bus arrives. Once I'm on, I receive another call and this time I answer.

"Where are you? You know the promotion is today!" Jeno scolds me.

"I know! I'm sorry. I got sidetracked with chores," I apologize.

"Where are you?"

I look around. "Maybe 15 minutes away. I'm near our old elementary school."

"Oh God, you're so dead. You're the only black belter not yet present." He stops to greet someone on his side.

"It's cool. I'll be there right before it starts," I say knowing full well there's nothing I can do about it now.

He sighs. "Just be careful. I'll try and make up a better excuse," he ends the call there and I look around the area, my agitation increasing the closer I get to the academy.

Even if I had practiced the whole break, the actual demonstration still feels different for me. No matter how many pieces of wood I break, none of them matter as much as the ones I am to break later.

When I finally get to the venue, I take no time in running to the locker room and fixing myself up. When I exit and enter the gym proper, Jeno is motioning for me to hurry along while the rest of the students line up for the opening. I bow respectfully to all the black-belters I pass and take my place next to Jeno, among the other ones our rank.