15 ¦ Beautiful Tears

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Just as soon as Aalo started crying, all hell broke loose. Aalo's Maa dropped to her knees beside her, dragging her into her chest, holding her tightly.

Aalo continued to cry. The sobs weren't stopping as much as Aalo tried to control. It was as if the floodgates of a dam had been opened. It wasn't a wave; it was a whole tsunami of emotions to cope with. Her mother hugged Aalo tighter. Aalo could breathe in her mother's scent. It was a wonderful smell, like the earth and childhood. It felt safe. For a brief second, Aalo wasn't an eight-year-old anymore. She was again that little infant nuzzling against her mother's bosom. Her warmth felt like the safest space on earth. Aalo could lose herself and stay there forever.

"Go away you both. I don't want to see either of you right now," her mother hissed through clenched teeth. Aalo knew whom that was addressed to. A pair of rustling footsteps faded into the dark.

"Come, baby. We'll have dinner," Maa picked her up into her lap. Aalo hid her face in the crook of her Maa's neck, enjoying that one moment of bliss.

"Yes, you too Kunal." The warning in Maa's voice was palpable. Aalo heard Mister Chatterjee's footsteps leave too, as her Maa carried her inside.

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"Today, I will feed my baby," Aalo's mother beamed from the doorway. She had Aalo's typical steel plate in her hand where she had mashed the rice and potatoes together into tiny little food balls, just like she used to do when Aalo was little.

Aalo didn't remember it whole, but she could put together the stories from the bits and pieces that were ingrained in her memory. Whenever she refused to eat, her Maa would pretend to call the crow to eat her portion. And then Aalo would get jealous of the crow and gulp her portion.

Sometimes her Maa would break a hard-boiled egg into pieces and put those pieces on the top of each ball of rice, like a cherry on the cake. That motivated Aalo to gulp each ball. Sometimes they would play counting games with the food, and sometimes Aalo would watch the toy train go round and round as her mother thrust the spoon in her mouth. Just like every other child, she had gotten enough scoldings for refusing to eat. Her mother would threaten her with anything she had in hand - a stick, a ladle or even a comb.

Her Maa sat down in front of her and took one food ball in her palm, extending it towards Aalo. Aalo opened her mouth like an obedient girl as her mother fed her. Aalo was thankful that she didn't have to make any efforts to eat because she didn't know if she could. Guilt and fear were eating her up from the inside. She doubted if she should tell the truth to her Maa, but she couldn't bring up the topic.

Dinner was finished relatively fast, and Aalo was carried up again and deposited on the bed. Her mother changed her dresses as she complied silently. Finally, she dragged Aalo on her lap and started combing her hair. The memories were so familiar that Aalo finally burst into tears again.

Her Maa turned her face towards her, looking enquiringly.

"I don't want to grow up, Maa," she burst out.

"Shh," her mother gently dragged her head onto her chest again, holding her close. Her one hand held her tightly, while the other played with her hair. They sat silently for a long time before Maa finally spoke.

"Everyone has to grow up one day."

Aalo simply nodded.

"Do you hate me, Maa?" she asked finally.

Her mother started laughing. "Why would I hate you, silly girl? A mother can never hate her child. Whatever the child does, a child will always stay a child for her."

"I brought him home..." Aalo whispered.

Her mother visibly stilled, her fingers stopping in Aalo's hair.

"You weren't supposed to know, honey. But don't go anywhere without informing me henceforth. Rakesh informed me later that you had gone to meet your class teacher, but you could've told me. I was so worried, I would've called the police if you hadn't come," her mother said slowly. "You are all I have."

"I thought you didn't care about me anymore," Aalo said in a small voice. "You like Mister Chatterjee more than me."

Her mother stared at her, blinking rapidly as if trying to find words.

"You are my life, Aalo. You're my everything. A third person will be just an addition to the two of us, he can never substitute you," Maa whispered.

Aalo stayed silent. After a moment she finally sighed, "And what about my real Baba?"

"What about him?" her mother gave a pained expression. Aalo knew she was reopening some old wounds by asking all these questions, but she needed to know if her entire life had been a lie.

"So, he really didn't leave us. You left..." Aalo let the words hang in the air because she didn't know what else to say.

"Yes, I did," her Maa's eyes hardened with resolve once again. "And I made a good choice. Trust me, it wasn't simply because of money, as he claims. You aren't grown up enough to understand why I made the choices that I did. But then, eight years ago, I knew he wasn't a healthy fatherly influence for you."

"And now?" Aalo asked again.

Her Maa sighed. "People change, Aalo. People transform a lot over the years and if he has mended his ways, I would be very happy to let him keep contacts with you, only if you agree though." She gave a meaningful glance at her.

"Then why didn't you allow me to write poems?" Aalo demanded.

"Because it reminded me too much of him, and I couldn't afford to be weak for your sake. I like to be your supermom." Tears glistened in the corner of her mother's eyelids as she rubbed her eyes fiercely, leaving them a bit red. Aalo held her face in her tiny hands, lifting it and kissed the top of her nose, which was red now.

"I don't want you to be a supermom, Maa. I just want you to be happy." Aalo became sad suddenly.

"You didn't. See, Maa is happy," she scrubbed her eyes and tried a smile for the sake of her daughter. It did not however fool Aalo.

"I want to sleep," Aalo said instead. Her mother frowned, but she spoke nothing. Silently she finished braiding Aalo's hair, placed a quick kiss on her cheek and was out of the door before Aalo could stop her. Aalo sank into the mattress, trying to understand the situation she was in.

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