𝐈𝐋𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐎 - 𝐓. 𝐊𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐘𝐀𝐌𝐀 [ ✓ ]

005 | remember not

꩜ ꩜ ꩜

Remember...

Remember?

Remember the first time you met Tobio in middle school, when you still played sports. You had stayed after to talk to the coaches and he was the first person that walked in. He didn't seem to notice you the first time, but you definitely noticed him. You remembered him as "the cute blue-eyed boy" and purposely started staying after hoping to work up the courage to talk to him.

Remember the first time you did actually talk to him. You finally mustered up a speck of courage to approach "the cute blue-eyed boy" and speak to him. It was funny. He didn't think you were actually talking to him and he got all nervous and was mumbling so much that you had to stand, what he described as, "uncomfortably close." You excitedly introduced yourself,waiting for him to do the same. All he said was "Kageyama Tobio" and walked away from you as fast as his legs would let him go.

Remember the first time you felt it. The pit had found its next victim, swallowing you whole the first time you exposed your vulnerability. You begged and screamed for help from someone, anyone, and how they all turned you away as if your problems didn't matter. Your friends, your parents, every "trusted adult" you were told to turn to just laughed in your face and told you to get over yourself. The put only dragged you down deeper, feeding off of the misery it had invited into your life.

Remember the first time you told Tobio about how you felt. He was confused at first, not really understanding what exactly you were feeling. Whenever you would rant or cry to him, he just listened and hugged you, which he wasn't exactly used to doing, but seeing the state you were in, he wouldn't want to make you any sadder. You felt a little bit...happier whenever you could turn to him. His social ineptitude and antisocial behavior seemed to be a lot less prominent whenever the two of you hung out. He could still be a little dense or unknowing at times, but you liked to believe he really cared for you.

Remember the first time you attempted. Your parents were out doing something, you tended to tune them out, and even to this day you couldn't remember where they said they had went. You had been hesitant, but you knew you were going to go through with it. The medicine cabinet had been calling to you for quite some time now, the pill bottles cooing to your poor young self. What had you taken again? Oxytocin? Yeah, that was it. Your parents used to give it to you for pain, always telling you to never take too many because it could do bad things to you. How scary, and intriguing all the same.

Remember the first time you woke up in the hospital, the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes being the tear stained face of your mother. The joy evident on their faces made you sick. You felt nothing but guilt, and it made you want to die even more. How could you do this to your parents? To Tobio? To yourself? Still, you were angry at them all without really knowing why. Guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, so many other feelings you couldn't describe. You didn't want to see or talk to any of them, though they all insisted on staying. That was their problem. They never listened to you or respected you, always putting their wants over your own. You cried and refused to talk to any of them for the rest of the night.

Remember the first time you went back after being in the hospital. Your mother had tried everything she could to get you to come out of you out room, meanwhile your father had seemed to take the hint and keep his distance. You didn't want them. You wanted Tobio. You wanted to sit in silence with him, hugging and occasionally talking about the random thoughts that slipped past the shadowy fog in your brain. He brought you a strange sense of comfort and serenity, and helped to rescue you from the pit whenever it started to drag you deeper into the never ending darkness.

Remember the first time you went to high school. It was so big...and full of so many people, none of whom you wanted to befriend. What if they judged you? For your scars? Or your attempt? About your condition? What if they already knew about you already and were trying to stay away from you? Every hypothetical possibility you managed to think of terrified you. The only person you wanted to remain friends with was Tobio. He told you he was set on joining the volleyball team this year, something about wanting to beat some short kid with orange hair...his competition and drive was so admirable, just like how you used to be before...all of this.

Remember the first time you realized your feelings for him. Your parents had let him come over, since they realized how you acted with him around, and the two of you were yet again cuddled up on the couch. You had been babbling a bunch of nonsense, feeling out of it since you were both tired and had recently gone back to self-harming. He obviously noticed, being who he was, and immediately panicked. You questioned what was wrong, not thinking much of it and not knowing he had never seen your scars before, and demanded that you let him bandage you up. You had never refused anything more, insisting that it wasn't a big deal and that you were fine, but he didn't accept no as an answer, and proceeded to wrap your arms and wrists anyway. It was one of the kindest gestures you had ever received, and that's how you knew what you felt towards him was more than platonic.

Remember the first time he rejected you. You hated how he was so considerate sometimes. Maybe he was just sparing your feelings? Fuck that, you could give a shit about your feelings. You knew what you wanted, it was him. He was the only person you cared about, he was the only thing keeping you here. Without the only person keeping you going...what else was there to be pushing for? Nothing else really mattered to you. You were hurting so bad, you remember hating him. You resented him, you wanted him to die. How dare he leave you like this? Right now? You should have known better than to like someone like him. You felt to stupid. Maybe you were the one to blame, not him. It was your brain. It was your illness. He said he would wait for you to get better...but there was no getting better. You wanted him to move on, to find someone better, someone happier. His well-being was all that was important.

Remember the first time you died. The way your lungs begged and ached for air, and how you ignored them. You had to do this. It was for him, for Tobio. Just focus. Look at the bubbles. Lose yourself to the water. It didn't work the first time. You forced yourself to sit upright, coughing and gasping. It didn't work the second time, the same thing had happened. You remember thinking "third times the charm" and dove under the water of your bathtub for a third-and final-time. You forced your body to go limp, focusing on all the tiny bubbles that contained the air that was leaving your lungs. So pretty. What a peaceful way to die, you thought. This was real. You felt it. You were dying. Your lungs screamed for you to go back up, but you refused. The bubbles were so pretty. Your vision was becoming all blurry and white. You couldn't hear the sounds of the water anymore. You couldn't feel or taste anything. This was it. You said all your goodbyes in your head, and your only "sorry" to Tobio, before letting go. The pit had spit you out, having no use for a body that it couldn't feed off of anymore.

You smiled as the last bit of air escaped your lungs.

Remember me not, Tobio Kageyama.

꩜ ꩜ ꩜