You're So Fragile

Chapter 9

Two months. It's been two months since I was taken from my sad, solitary life and forced into a new type of solitary confinement. I spend most of my days sleeping, crying, and thinking. I've been thinking of what to do with myself. I'm tired of living like this. It's misery at its finest. My thoughts have been deceiving me because I sometimes find myself craving his company just to have something to occupy my mind. Yet when he's here I want him to leave. Sometimes I wonder if it's weird that I haven't tried to escape. Wouldn't most people have tried to escape already?
Music has been a bit of a salvation for me. It's about the only thing I can do in here. However, sometimes even listening to music bothers me. I take off my earphones and throw the iPod on the bed but it bounces and falls to the floor with another bounce and lands under the bed. I go to pick it up apprehensively because it might be broken. I grab it but it's not the only thing I feel. There's some sort of paper under the bed. I go in further to reach it and pull it out.
It's a picture of a young girl with porecelain, ivory skin and gloomy gray eyes. Her off white sundress and waist length, dark brown hair flow in what is presumably wind. She looks like the happiest girl in the world-like she could own the world. I've never seen anyone, myself obviously included, smile so luminously. On the back of the photo, it says Lillian, age 12. She's only twelve in this picture and has such enviable beauty. Who is she? Is this her room?
I hear his footsteps outside the door and place the picture under my pillow. He opens the door and I try to look as casual as possible.
"Food's ready." He says.
"I'm not hungry."
He looks a bit exasperated at this. "You need to eat. Come on."
"I'm really not hungry." I say cautiously. He sits on the edge of the bed.
"Darling you have to-"
"Who's Lillian?" I interrupt.
He looks at me taken aback and sternly asks, "How do you know about her?"
His seriousness scares me and I hesitate to answer.
"How do you know about Lillian?" He continues aggressively.
"I- I found her picture under the bed... Look." My voice falters. I pull out the photo from under my pillow and show it to him. He looks almost as if he's seen a ghost. He stares at it silently for a moment. "Who is she?"
"My sister."
"Is this her room?"
"Was. She died about a year after this was taken."
I don't know how to respond to this. I just say what people normally say when someone dies.
"I'm sorry.."
"It's fine." He composes himself in an instant and changes the subject. "Come on, let's eat."
I don't argue this time. I head downstairs and eat little of whatever he gives me. I still can't bring myself to eat a full meal. I don't think I'd be able to keep it down. He doesn't talk much during the meal. Showing him the picture made him less like his usual self. He's not as excited and talkative as he usually is. He seems more grounded.
Before he walks out of my room, he stops and looks at me.
"I'm going to the grocery store later and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."
I guess not trying to escape had its benefits after all. He trusts me enough to leave the house with him. To diffuse the tension that was left after giving him the picture I say, "yeah, yeah I'd like that." The words just spilled out. I didn't mean for them to come out as lightly and excitedly as they did.
"Great, I'll come back for you in a bit then." He says a bit awkwardly but jovially. His demeanor changes constantly. Sometimes he comes in and speaks to me with such familiarity as if we've known each other for a long time, though that's usually in regular conversation with him. Other times, he is very timid, almost awkwardly so. He acts this way when he asks something of me or when he suggests something to me. It reminds of me of a guy asking a girl on a first date, scared and hopeful all at once; or like he expects me to blow up if he says something wrong. I don't know why he'd be scared of me, he's the one in control, not me.
About twenty minutes later, he comes for me and we get into the car. He drives into town and it's quite beautiful. Autumn has caused leaves from the trees to fall, littering sidewalks in a fashionable way. There are lamp posts evenly placed on the main street, where all the local shops are. It looks like a movie set for a wholesome, holiday film.
We arrive at the store and he opens the car door for me since it's on child lock and can only be opened on the outside. It's cold and windy; the sun keeps trying to peak out of the stubborn gray clouds. My sweater doesn't do much to protect me from the cold, but I don't mind it. He grabs my hand to lead me in. I glance down at his hand holding my limp, unresponsive hand. Usually, I would have kept it so but something inside me made me respond. My hand was suddenly alive and aware of his and wrapped itself around his hand before I could stop myself. I force myself to not show any sort of expression or visible reaction to this and instead, look intently at the windows of the store. With my peripheral vision, I could tell he was staring at me. Either with shock or admiration, I couldn't tell.
He walks me into the store and it's very calm. There aren't many people in here. I don't speak at all. If I speak, everyone will hear me and it will draw attention to me. Silence is the way to go. I just point or grab whatever we need and he throws it in the shopping cart. We get to the register and the cashier and bag boy are having an animated conversation about something funny. They look like they're around my age. The cashier scans the groceries and finally looks up from his conversation to tell us the price. He looks at me and gives me a friendly smile. He tells me the price and looks up at Carter when he hands him the money. I'm assuming he didn't notice him at first because once he saw him his whole demeanor changed. The cashier went from being friendly to suddenly stiff. He handed him the change and turned to his friend, who hadn't noticed us because he was having trouble with the bags. He didn't notice the tension that had filled the area. The cashier had composed himself and tried to act as though nothing was wrong.
"Dude, seriously? Hurry up." He told the bag boy- who then looked up at him exasperatedly and responded with "Yes master."
That's when it all went wrong. I couldn't control myself and a laugh came out of me. It was more of a chuckle, really, but it was enough to make me smile for the first time in a long time. Just like his friend, the bagboy noticed me and smiled at me appreciatively, as if I understood what he had to put up with. I quickly let my smile falter and looked at the ground when I noticed all three men looking at me. The bag boy noticed Carter shortly afterwards and became stiff as well. He bagged the last of the groceries and the second he was done Carter grabbed my hand more firmly than the last time and gave the guys a quick, insincere good bye. He strode off out of the store, into the parking lot, and I had to quicken my pace so he didn't end up dragging me.
As soon as we reach the car, he lets me inside and shuts the door behind me. He puts the groceries in the trunk and once he's in his seat he starts the car and drives away. He's driving the car a lot more quickly and he's staring straight into the road to avoid looking at me.
"Are you mad?" I ask.
"No, I'm not."
"I'm not an idiot, I know when someone's mad." I retort a bit agitatedly. He stays silent to avoid answering. After a moment, I break the silence, "Is it because I laughed at them?"
He doesn't speak but affirms my assumption when he starts to drive faster. We arrive at the house alot quicker than when we left. He leaves his seat and comes to my door and opens it. Once I'm out he closes the door and grabs my arm to take me inside. "Come on, inside." He commands. I pull back and release my arm from his grip.
"No." I reply sternly. He looks aghast with both my action and response. "Not until you tell me what the hell it is I did wrong because laughing isn't a bad thing, the last time I checked." I have no idea why I'm talking to him like this. It's like watching someone else speak for me in a way that my normal self couldn't.
"It's not that. Did you see the way they were looking at you? They wanted you." He replied, his voice rising.
"No they didn't. They were just being nice!" I reply indignantly, "and so what if they wanted me? That's not in my control."
"But the way you looked at them-"
"I thought they were funny!" I interrupt defensively. "And don't think I didn't notice the way they looked at you- like they were scared of you. Why is that?!"
He moved closer to me and made me back up against the car. "They don't know anything!" He yells and keeps moving towards me so that we're inches apart. "They think they know what the hell went on in this house, this whole town does, but they know nothing!"
"Does this have to do with Lillian?" I ask, this time more out of curiosity than anger.
"I'm not gonna talk about this."
"Why not? Isn't this what you want?! I'm finally talking to you- having a conversation with you and now you don't want to talk."
"Stop it." He grabs my arm and tries to lead me away again but I pull it back and free it from his grip.
"No!" I scream, this time tears are starting to well up in my eyes. "What if I don't go? What if I decide to run away from you? What are you gonna do then? Kill me?" I start to laugh a bit maniacally,"because, believe me, I would welcome it. In fact I'd encourage it! Do it! Please, I beg of you! Do it now so I don't have to keep living like this!!"
And it happens so quickly. I barely have time to register what's going on. I had finally said what I've been thinking for a long time. I truly want to die. I was caught in the euphoria of letting the truth and my frustration out on him that I didn't even see him lunge towards me. I feel his hands grip my shoulders and he slams me against the car. This is it, he's gonna do it. He's going to kill me. He's going to free me.
I gasp in both the pain and shock of being jerked so suddenly. My tears are now beyond my control and they're swimming down my face.
"Enough! Stop talking like that, you don't mean it!" He yells. I glance into his eyes and see tears falling down his face.
"Yes I do; I mean it. Please-" I sob desperately, "please kill me. Let me go because I can't- I don't want to live anymore.. Please! Please.."
"No, no you don't mean it. I can't let you go. I won't let you go the way she did. The way they all did." I start to cry at his refusal to end it for me. He doesn't talk for a moment and in that silence, I find that his grip on my shoulders is still tight. We're only inches apart and we're both breathing really hard from the yelling and crying and he continues:
"I would never hurt you like that." I find this a bit ironic considering he just slammed me into a car but he sounds so sincere. "You're all I have left and look at you. You're emaciated and fragile. You don't eat and you're always tired." There's a decent pause but he goes on. "Oh god, I've done this to you." He says, finally hit with a huge realization. He looks into my eyes, and for the first time, I let myself stare into his, "I'm sorry. Okay, baby, you have to believe me, I'm so sorry. I swear, I never wanted things to be like this. I never wanted you to feel this way. You mean more to me than you could ever know.. Grace Reid, you're everything to me and I can't even make you smile." He adds, finally revealing how he feels.
"It's hard to smile when you're this miserable." I respond numbly. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. He finally releases his grip of my shoulders and runs his hand over his face to wipe away the tears and take in the words I just said. He looks both shocked and heartbroken. He doesn't say anything and after a moment I realize how much this conversation has physically and emotionally drained me. I break the silence.
"Umm, I'm gonna go to bed.." I start to walk away but he speaks.
"Are you going to eat?" He asks but I'm sure he already knows the answer.
"Not tonight." I reply exhaustedly. I walk towards him and boldly but surely take the keys from his hand. I look at him and he looks at me but he doesn't say anything about me taking them. Like he understands that I'm not going to leave tonight and understands how exhausted I am. I look at him for a moment, and I see a distraught person who has just found reality and seen his true self for the first time, not a kidnapper. I leave him standing there and I head for the house door. Once there, I find the oldest, silver key and unlock the door. I leave the keys on the lock for him. On my way up the stairs, I hear a bang. I think he hit the car out of anger or frustration.
I close the door, once I enter my room, and head straight for the bathroom. I lift up my shirt and examine my body in front of the the mirror. He's right. I am emaciated and fragile. I've always been naturally thin and scrawny but this is worse. My eyes and cheekbones look hollowed. My rib cage is more protruding and so are my hip bones. My skin is even more pale and grayish. Tears fall but I stop myself from crying and land on my bed. I hear movement from downstairs. He's probably bringing the stuff in. My eyes are heavy and my body is achey from being slammed against the car. I don't think I'd feel this achiness if my body wasn't so frail. I close my eyes and drift to sleep to the sound of the loud silence that fills the room. Once again, finding myself in the peacefulness that I always found when sleeping.

(Author's Note: Again, I'm sorry for the wait on this latest update. But the dynamic in this relationship is changing. Grace is becoming more bold and spoken towards him, and he's starting to see the fault in his ways. He wants grace to be happy but can't fathom letting her go and he sees that his fantasy of Grace loving him isn't going as easily as he thought it would. He can't control her but she has such a hold on him. And he hates to see her so sad and starved. He's unintentionally making her this way and he doesn't know what to do. Let me know what you think, guys. Your thoughts are always welcome. And I'm still editing some of the previous chapters to fit this dynamic and the character development I have planned. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!)