You're So Fragile

Chapter 11

He keeps an even closer eye on me now. I haven't tried to escape yet but he's paranoid. He comes into my room to check on me every few hours. It's a bit annoying but refreshing as well. I never know when he's going to come in so it gives me something to anticipate- like a jack in the box- you never know when it's gonna pop out and scare you. Sometimes, when he thinks I'm sleeping, he comes into my room and sits on the edge of my bed. He'll stroke my hair or arm, or not touch me at all- he'll just watch me sleep. It's quite unnerving.

Today is laundry day. I'm running out of clean clothes and I don't want to have to wear any of my dressier clothes as a last resort. He comes into my room to get me for dinner since I haven't eaten much of breakfast or lunch- just some coffee. We have a deal. For every time I eat, meal or snack, I get a cigarette. But I have to eat in front of him or else it doesn't count. It's not so bad. The original deal was that I had to eat entire meals but I talked him out of it and said I'd only eat portions of a meal- just enough to satisfy me. We compromised.

After dinner, while he's cleaning up, I head for the laundry room and throw my clothes in the dryer. I was always in charge of laundry as a kid. My mom hardly ever got anything done in the house so I was responsible for stuff like that. I never really liked it but my clothes were not going to clean themselves. I spend about a minute staring into space and 'reminiscing' on those memories until I remember that I need to put the dryer sheets in, but I can't find them.

"You need help?" I'm startled by his deep voice. I didn't hear him come in. I turn around and he's standing at the doorway.

"Well, yeah, actually. I can't find the dryer sheets." I explain.

"They're on the shelf." He points at the shelf that is a long arm's reach above the dryer compared to my arms. Of course they'd be there. Before I can reach he interjects. "Here let me do it."

His body brushes up against mine and my stomach clenches itself into oblivion. I always get this gut wrenching feeling when he comes too close to me. I stop myself from gasping in shock of this unwanted intimacy. I can't let him see me react; he may be offended or take it as a sign. Both would be bad.

"There you go."

"Thanks." I say indifferently then throw the sheets into the dryer and turn to him. "Cigarette, please." I put my hand out in request- this throws him off.

"Oh, yeah, okay." He stammers. He goes into his jean pocket and pulls out the carton. He takes out two, one for me and one for him. I grab mine and walk away. I make it halfway down the hall when I hear, "You need a light?" He looks at me amusedly whilst lighting his own.

"No, it's fine I have my own." I respond blankly.

"How?" He asks curiously but the amusement is still there.

"Don't worry about it." I state as though it is no big deal. I actually stole it from him. He has like 20 and I took the most obscure, plain one so he wouldn't notice. He chuckles and continues smoking his while I head upstairs to my room.

I plan on smoking mine while taking a bath. He doesn't know this, but when I smoke alone, I attempt to put it out on my leg to burn myself- my upper thigh to be exact. It's a quick release and he doesn't see it. Plus, I don't do it for too long because the pain is unbearable. I only leave shallow, first degree burns- so that it scars but eventually fades away. It is yet another act of rebellion on my part.

I get into the warm bath and smoke. It's the most relaxed I've been in a while. I don't think of anything for a moment. My mind is just blissfully blank. Once the cigarette is mostly gone I put it out on my wet, upper thigh. It stings but I don't care. I spend the rest of my bath focusing on that pain because it is all I am capable of feeling.