Stronger than All Other Loves

𝔼𝕤𝕔𝕒𝕡𝕖

TW: cutting, anxiety attack

You have always used the training room as an escape. Especially when things with Tony got bad or overwhelming. It wasn't often he would become overwhelming but towards the end of the relationship, it started happening more and more. The beginning was great it was all sweet dates. Whisking you away after missions to go to the cafe down the street or giving you a suit of his and flying to Paris or wherever you felt like that day. The further you got into the relationship the charm started to slip away. You had already fallen. You had been waiting on a marriage proposal cause you swore he was going to be the one you spent the rest of your life with.

You reached the training room and started with a punching bag to hopefully get your frustrations out. You weren't a super soldier so you were at no risk of breaking the bag at least you hoped. When the door squeaked open you turned ready for a fight. Steve and Tony knew better than to come down here while you were mad. The rest of the team did too but you couldn't ban them from the training room because you were mad at Steve and Tony. Even if the only people who would come down here while you were mad were those two.

You turn rapidly ready to kick anyone who dared come in here. Then you notice it's Bucky and wonder why he is here.

"Bucky? What are you doing here?" you questioned.

"Y/n? Why are you here? Wait but that doesn't make any sense." Bucky's mind going a mile a minute.

"What do you mean why am I here. I live here. I work with the Avengers. You still haven't answered my question what are you doing here?"

"Right sorry I am joining the team."

"Right... right ok. Listen if you are gonna be joining the team I can't go on a date with you. I'm sorry," Shying away you begin punching the bag once more. How could you let this happen? The first guy you end up liking since things with Tony ended and he is joining the team. You couldn't do this again. Maybe this was a sign to stop dating.

"What- what do you mean you can't go on a date with me?" Bucky's own insecurities rising to the surface. His mind racing thinking maybe you had found another person. Maybe you found out about his past and now retracting your offer.

Turning back to face him you reassure him, "Don't listen to the voices in your head. It's not because of your past, it'd not because I found someone different no it's because you are joining the team. I can't do this again. You are going to become famous more than before you're going to find better and I'd rather save myself the heartache. So if you aren't in here to train please get out," tears were collecting on your bottom lash line as you turn back to the punching bag for the last time you hope.

Bucky doesn't leave and just awkwardly stares at you. He looks at you awe-struck and stunned at the strength you possess both physical and emotional. To be able to bottle up one's emotions with such grace as you had must have taken years to perfect.

"Listen Y/n I-"

"Don't finish that sentence Barnes," that you turn and head off to the changeroom with so much as a "see ya later."

When you reached your locker you collapsed in front of it. Leaning your head back against the door. The cold, unforgiving tile under you didn't help much either. Your heart started racing. You can't go through the pain again of finding someone you care about then them dumping you for someone better. Your anxiety had officially taken over and now you just felt the feeling of your chest closing in on itself. The feeling of the entirety of the world falling upon your shoulders. Your head slowly feeling light-headed as your breathing became irregular. Flashes of what you believed were to come. Each breath getting heavier and heavier until you officially couldn't take it anymore. You lifted yourself up enough to unlock your locker and grab your shower bag. Shuffling around a little bit in it you found your razor. The razor that had been taken to your wrist many times over the last couple of months and months before. Each time the cuts got deeper and deeper. Holding the razor you look down at your wrist tears flooding your eyes. You place the blade to your wrist apply pressure and swipe. Crimson blood pools onto the blade then spring from the newly formed cut on your wrist. There is a small sting that helps relieve a little bit of the pressure in your chest. Small amounts of blood fall to the ground looking at the newly formed cut on your wrist you cut again.

By the time you stop cutting there are about six pretty big cuts on your wrist. Looking down at the work you had down you realize you have lost a lot of blood but you don't care. Busting through the door though is Steve he first sees the blood pooled around you. He draws his eyes to your face. His own pales. There is so much blood. Quickly he picks you up and rushes you to the medical wing hoping it won't be too late. He can faintly hear your heart and he assumes that is a good sign. You responded sometimes with unintelligible hms or small weak nods. When Steve places you down on the hospital bed Bruce a]starts work almost immediately. He had been trained for this type of thing and he has had to patch you up multiple times in the past.

You were quickly bandaged. You had about two IVs stuck in your arms one giving you back the blood you had lost the other giving you the essential fluids. Steve sat at your bedside waiting for you to wake up. He was always there for you when you needed him most. It was his job he was your best friend and recently besides Wanda your only friend.

It was about an hour or two before you finally woke up. Steve was up talking in hushed tones to Bruce.

"Are they going to be ok?"

"They should be ok. As long as they keep drinking water and eat food."

Huffing to yourself you know they are going to force you to stay in this bed until you are better and your fluids and sugars are replenished. Steve turns to you and sees that you're awake so he slowly approaches you.

"Hey, glad you're awake. Missed talking to you."

"Ok, sure Steve. Listen I don't want to stay in here please don't make me stay in here. It smells like bleach and antiseptic wipes please Steve it smells too clean," you neg although you know that it won't get you very far you hope for just this once that Steve will let you stay in your own room for your healing process.

"Y/n you know I can't let you do that. It's for your own safety. You know that I just want to look out for you. Please don't fight me on this," Steve begs.

"FIne but I don't want to see anyone come through that door except you, and only the most essential doctors, if not I am breaking out of here. Got it?" you raise your eyebrow waiting for him to disagree.

"On one condition you tell me why."

"Deal."

Steve looked at you with an expectant shine in his eye. Bruce quietly leaves and gives you and Steve some privacy.

"Steve. I- I am sorry I worried you. I was better and I was getting over Tony. It still hurt, but I was getting better," you paused looking him in the eye, he only nodded encouraging you to continue. So you did, "I found someone. He was sweet, kind, we had been talking for a little bit and then he joined the team," that caught Steve's attention there had only been one new member who recently joined and that was Bucky.

"Bucky?"

"Yeah, anyways so when I heard he was joining the team I guess I kind of lost it. I lost control my emotions ran wild and so I did the one thing I knew that would calm them. God Steve, I really like him but every time I think of even trying it with him I just I-"

"Flashback to how things ended with you and Tony."

"Yeah is that wrong. I mean he is a completely different person. I know that, and he- he has this sense about him. I get it when I'm with you. Like he knows what it's like to travel through time."

"That's because he has. You know Bucky is from our time as well right?" Steve questions.

"No, I didn't know. I should've guessed by the flip phone. You had one for the longest time," you laugh a bit.

"Yeah, I did but so did you," he points out.

"Yes but I upgraded a lot faster than you," you poke at him.

"That you did, that you did," silence falls over you and him. It's not uncomfortable or awkward just silence.

"Listen Y/n I think you should give the jerk a chance. Take some time to heal but he is a good guy. He may not think so but he is. I want what's best for both of you and hey if he hurts you I'll beat him up for you ok?" Steve smiles. You smile back at him thinking maybe this time it will be ok.

You obviously had some feelings for Steve but he clearly isn't interested in you or else he wouldn't push you to be with Bucky. Boy, were you wrong. It hurt Steve greatly to tell you to go his best friend but he knew that it was best for you.

She was getting better... But then she remembered what she was trying to get away from, she remembered the things that tear her apart. Now she's back at the start. -Anonymous