Shadows of Old and New (Bucky X Peter Parker X Reader)

Chapter 9: The Psychologist

Y/N's POV

I passed a restless sleep that night. When I entered my room,everything was as if someone was living in it. In another attempt to jog my memory or at least some of it, a huge pinboard from my room at the Avengers was brought and placed in my room. Steve had actually suggested it. Cute pictures of my favorite singers, silly pictures I had taken with the Avengers, pictures of Peter, and pictures of some of my dad's greatest accomplishments, hung on the huge aesthetic pinboard. As I stared at the photos, gazing into the eyes of myself, I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Yes I looked familiar to myself, obviously, but that Y/N had a face of happiness, safety, uniqueness, gentleness, and just overall overflowing joy. The only feelings I ever remember feeling was lonely, rejected, anger, rage, and the desire to kill, completely opposite of who I once was.

I had lost myself, not intentionally, it was kinda Hydra's fault, but I felt guilty for it. I didn't know if I would ever be that person that the Avengers had once knew me as. I didn't even know where to begin to start to find her. Life has a way of changing you, the things we go through shape us into who we are, never returning to the person we once were, whether that be good or bad. Pain and suffering breaks people, abandonment shapes people, trauma causes you to forget, and manipulation and lies twist people. (Without the help of Hydra!) Or even if I remembered the life I once had, I would never be the same knowing all that I know now and having experienced all that I have. Would my family still love me? Would they understand? Would they be willing to meet me at where I am now? Could they?

As much as I was hurting, tears didn't come. I don't think though would even if I wanted them to. I had cried so many tears that i had no tears left to cry. I had grown numb to the pain. Not that it wasn't there, I just was so used to it.

Once in bed, I stared at the ceiling for hours, unable to convince my mind to sleep. I tossed and turned restless. The short time that I did sleep, it was haunted with nightmares and terrors. Memories of Hydra, things I had done, the person I had believed I once was, and Peter wouldn't leave my mind. Nightmares of Peter were the most prevalent and vivid. I felt like I had betrayed and cheated on him, not intentionally of course. I knew what it was like to be left and rejected multiple times, and I felt like I had done the same thing to him. He was so sweet and kind. He deserves better than me, but he still loved me. My father obviously loved him or cared for him deeply, and in hurting Peter, I hurt my dad. I already felt a elephantine distance between him and I, not to mention the way our relationship was described by the others.

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Unable to stay in that room or in bed any longer, at around 4:30 I got up and headed towards the kitchen for a cup or coffee. I had no idea where I was going, but my feet seemed to know. To my surprise, I wasn't the only one up.

There sat Steve, hunched over gripping a cup of coffee, I think. Seeing this, I got this strange deja vu moment. Same scenario and person, different place though. Shaking my head to clear my though, I walked over grabbed the coffee pot, poured myself a cup, and went and sat down across from him.

"Hey, what's up Cap?"

He looked up at me rather quickly, like he was surprised, and looked deep into my eyes and smiled.

"She's still in there. I just heard her," he said as he placed his hand on top of one of mine that was wrapped around my coffee cup.

I dropped my head, avoiding eye contact.

"Hey, I know it's hard, and I have no idea the pain that you are going through, on top of probably all the confusion. Life's not gone easy on you and I realize that. I'm here for you though, no matter if you remember anything at all or you remember everything."