Life lessons and for the many more to come

3

Mischevious, kind, humorous, compassionate, intelligent.

I find myself turning to admire his profile from the few yards that separate us like an astronomer admires the moon, except I have to live without his presence for 20 hours out of the day but like the sun I'll always find him beaming back at me. Sometimes we don't even have to talk, just a glance and the raise of the eyebrows and we've already had a conversation that could last a lifetime. Our eyes let on more than we care to speak in the outside world because each glance is honest and he never looks away first and I've never felt this level of affection for someone. Everything about him is so easy and mellow and leaves me wanting more.

I look into his eyes and I don't see the future, but the present. And while we aren't perfect, there's no pressure for either of us to be anything other than ourselves with each other. And maybe we could have a future but with him I don't worry about that because he is happiness and why would I need to think about what the future holds when I have happiness in the palm of my hand.

Except something along the way changed for me. I don't know if it was because of our text messages or because he was a sophomore and I was a junior, but he put me up on a pedestal. He saw me for more than what I was.

I look back at our old texts and I wonder where it was that he fell and I didn't. Initially I only wanted a friend, but a part of me knew that there was the possibility of it becoming something more.

That was before I discovered, for lack of better words, the real him. Ironically, he was sophomoric to an extent that wasn't adorable anymore. I didn't see him kind and intelligent. I couldn't. Sometimes I think that maybe I put him on a pedestal too.

We spent four days and four nights together with some friends, making memories that I don't care to remember.

He liked me. He didn't know that I knew.

Every glance he stole, every seat he tried to take next to me, it wasn't the same. We weren't friends anymore. We were someone who wanted love and someone who wanted friendship.

I think I broke his heart that weekend, but I was good lesson for him to learn early on. Not every girl is going to like you. He has his whole high school career ahead of him and a small part of me wishes he'll realize that there are better things out in the world if only he ventured out to find them.

A bigger part of me was terrified that I shouldn't have rejected him. Those nights, as we all slept in the same room, I was terrified that I'd wake up with his chest against my back, wrapped up in an embrace I didn't want to be in. Those were the worst nights of my life.