Study Date || DNF

☾Chapter Four - Pancake Day☽

TW: Mentions of intrusive thoughts, negative thoughts, violence, blood, panic attack, internalized homophobia

I did edit this chapter because something was off; oops. (it was only one word, no need to read the whole thing again)

ꕥ George's POV ꕥ

What do you do when the walls you spent ages building up are slowly falling apart? You make pancakes and pretend everything's a-okay. Pancakes are great, they're easy to make, they taste amazing, and you can have them at any point in the day without being judged.

If you are constantly living in a state of delusion you'll eventually start believing it, i've done it most of my life and it's working out great. The first time I did it was when I was seven and my hamster died so I just pretended like I didn't care until I finally didn't. Now I do it with more serious things. I did it then, I do it now; not much changes in eleven years.

Y'know how some people say "you can't hide from your problems"? Maybe they just suck at hide-n-seek. The truth is; you can hide from, run from, and even ignore whatever's bothering you until it doesn't wanna bother you anymore.

Some days that doesn't feel true though, some days the thoughts are too much, and some days things aren't okay. What do we do those days? We make pancakes, which is what i'm doing right now. "What could be so bad that you have to have a pancake day?" You may be asking yourself right now. Sorry to say but I have rules and telling you breaks all of them.

1.) Don't talk about it.
2.) Don't write about it.
3.) Don't think about it.

Just eat and be happy that you actually managed to not fuck up something for once, easy.

***

I would say I feel normal but what does normal even feel like? I guess I feel like my normal, atleast I hope so, i'm already at school so if i'm not "my normal" it could totally fuck everything up. I don't need people asking me if i'm okay, I don't need him asking me if i'm okay, because you know what? I am, what's not to be okay about?

***

It's officially the end of the school day. As I walk down the hall to get to my locker a guy runs into me, I give him an 'excuse you' look which he apparently didn't like. Before I knew it i'm being pushed into a closed locker, he's angrily going on about how much of a bitch I am or something along those lines before he comes to my 'rescue.'

"What's going on?" Dream asks standing between the two of us.

"Short stacks over here ran into me." The guy angrily huffed.

"Me? Maybe if you're brain was bigger than a walnut you would remember you ran into me."

Maybe not the best thing to say, he tried to reach around Dream to hit me but surprisingly Dream was faster and blocked his attempt "Don't touch him." His voice sounded colder than it normally did, more serious.

"Or what?"

"Or else the janitors gonna have a bigger mess to clean up."

I've never been a fan of blood so when the idiot swung and caused Dream to have a bloody lip my stomach basically did a flip, although that was the least of my worries. Dream hit back, like really hit back. He didn't stop at one hit, or three, or even six. I felt like I was gonna pass out at the amount of blood coming out of the other guys face. It was leaking from his nose, his mouth, and even his cheek where the skin broke.

He got a few hits in on Dream, just not nearly the same affect. He managed to claw at his face and possibly give him a black eye? I couldn't really see anything due to my now blurred vision.

When Dream saw me he stopped, maybe it's because I looked like I was gonna faint or maybe because he thought he did enough damage. Everything felt like it was moving fast but in reality it was just me. I grabbed onto his hand and rushed to the boys bathroom. I took some paper towels, wetting them before trying to clean the blood off of him. As I got a good look at him I realized how much there actually was, it was on his face, his hands, and some drops stained his white T.

Something wet hit my hand, water? My blurry vision was due to tears building up. You've gotta be kidding me, I was fucking crying. 'Suck it up' was the only thing that repeated in my head while I wiped his face. My fingers were turning a light red from the diluted blood that was now staining my finger tips.

"George it's okay, you got it off." His tone basically did a 180, it was now soft and comforting.

"It's not okay, you're bleeding and i'm crying how is any of this okay!?" I shakily exclaimed not actually seeking an answer. By this point i'm hard core hyperventilating, my voice isn't the only thing shaking my whole body is. How is pancakes supposed to fix this?

Before I knew it he was picking me up and setting me down on the counter, he hugged onto me placing my head right over his heart so I could feel it beating "I need you to breathe with me George, in......and out......"

Normally I would push him off and say something about how I didn't need his help, but the rising and falling of his chest along with him guiding made it easier. I hate how nice he is to me, I hate how comforting he is, I hate how warm he is, and I hate how I can't hate him. Maybe I actually just hate how he makes me feel, how if I stopped trying so hard to hate him i'd actually realize something about myself. Maybe I hate myself, or atleast a certain part of myself.

3.) Don't think about it; too late.

I've calmed down but he's still holding me, still rubbing circles on my back with one hand while the others playing with my hair, still him.

"Are you feeling any better?" He says ever so softly to which I nod into his chest. I hear a small chuckle "Why don't we cancel our tutor session and just get you home?" Another nod.

Sometimes I just shut down, i'm use to bad days but I haven't had one this bad in so long. He finally lets go and helps me off the counter before taking my hand and walking me to his car, it's humiliating having a break down in front of someone and then being alone with that person, nowhere to go.

The whole car ride was silent other than him humming along to the music, I just stared out of the window to hide my face. No matter how hard I try I don't think I can just pretend this isn't happening anymore, so what do I do..?

[ 1180 Words ]

|| Haha okay so my therapist is moving after i've had her for two years and hearing the news caused a panic attack so i'm taking it out on this book, buckle up :] ||

-El
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