Study Date || DNF

☾Chapter Five - Memories☽

TW: Internalize homophobia, negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts

ꕥ Georges POV ꕥ

Fear. Everyone's scared of something, wether it be spiders, the dark, or even being alone. The last one seems absolutely insane to me, all I ever want is to be alone. You don't have to explain anything whenever you're alone, no one can hurt you whenever you're alone, and you don't have to pretend whenever you're alone. If anything i'm scared to not be alone.

Maybe it seems like I hate the world, maybe I do. I hate a lot of things, it's like i'm angry all the time. I like to throw blame onto other people because if I don't i'm the one whose holding it. I blame my dad for never making an effort even though i've never made one either, I blame my mom for never teaching me how to love myself even though i've never tried to on my own, and I blame Dream for what I hate most about myself, the thing I can't make go away no matter how much I try.

***

Laughter was all you could hear from outside of my bedroom door, two friends in one room cracking jokes back and forth.

"Okay, okay- I cant breathe... We need to chill." I say trying to catch my breath.

"Oh but I like hearing your laugh, it's adorable." Dream smiled.

I nudge him trying to brush it off no matter how good it felt hearing his words. As we calm down he falls back onto my bed patting it for me to do the same, while we lay next to each other he turns on his side to face me to which I do the same. We were silent for a while, observing each other's features.

His eyes were one of my favorite things about him, I was never a fan of yellow but something about it drew me in whenever it came to his eyes. They were comforting, he was comforting.

His hand brushed a strand of hair out of my face so he could get a better look at me, a harmless gesture that meant nothing yet it seemed to make my heart explode.

I can't do this, I don't want to do this.

I sit up in a hurry, I can feel his stare burning into the back of my skull. What's wrong with me? Why am I like this..? ...Why me..?

"You okay?" He asks from behind me.

Before I could answer my mom walks in "Clay, your moms here to pick you up."

"Okay."

I watch him get his stuff together before he turns to me making me immediately look down. "George is something wrong?"

Everything. "No."

He stepped closer to me "Are you sure? You can talk to me."

Everything's changing and I don't know what to do "I'm good, see you tomorrow?"

"Okay..." He gave me a small smile before leaving.

Immediately I start crying, I can't like boys, I can't like him. Okay George get it together, you've only felt this way about him so what do we do? We cut him off, getting rid of the cause fixes the problem. No more sleepovers, no more late night discord calls, no more friendship; no more feelings. Promise yourself to never let it happen again, promise to be normal.

'I promise...'

***

We finally pull into my driveway and he helps me inside, I know both of my parents are at work so that means i'm alone other than with him. We go to my room and I sit down on my bed, knees to my chest with my head buried between them.

I thought he would leave but he didn't, he just sat next to me. No matter how much my mind is screaming at me to tell him to go away I can't, I want him here.

"Do you need anything? I can go get you some water or-"

"Water please." I cringe at how shaky my voice is.

"I'll be right back." I hate that he's leaving me but as he said; he'll be back, I don't doubt it.

Within two minutes he's already by my side again, as I look up I see his back is turned to me maybe because he knows people staring makes me uncomfortable, especially in this mental state. I take the water bottle and drink some which relieves my dry throat then immediately go back to my previous position.

The space beside me grows heavier as he sits down next to me "I'm sorry..." I croak out.

"There's nothing to be sorry about."

I feel his arm rap around me while his fingers draw circles on my shoulder farthest away from him "You got hurt because of me and now you're taking care of me even though i've been nothing but an ass to you..."

"That's not true, you're patient with me when no one else is, I never feel dumb when talking to you, and on top of all that you make me feel normal unlike everyone else who views me as some star football player who can't pay attention to save his life. I like being around you George."

"I feel everything but normal around you..."

He clearly didn't understand what I meant by that but didn't ask me to explain "That's okay, you don't don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, don't push yourself."

Thank god I don't have to worry about saying something I would regret, instead I could just sit here with him. He makes everything so hard, I was mean to him and yet he didn't care, I tried to ignore him yet he was persistent, I hid my feelings yet he's bringing them out. Why does everything have to be so difficult, why can't we just stay away from each other? Maybe the universe really does wanna torture me...

He rests his head on mine "Is this okay? I don't wanna make you uncomfortable."

"Mhm..."

"...What if we just took a break from everything tomorrow? Like skipped school and did something..?" I could hear the nervousness in his voice.

I look up at him making eye contact "...What would we do?"

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|| Another chapter, I haven't slept and it's already 8:40 am yet i'm gonna get started on the next chapter. Consider voting? Anyways have a great day/night :] ||

-El
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