The Gruesome Death of Judge Judy

Chapter Two: Stafine

    The weird man’s room was a huge mess. The walls were covered in posters that made Staf uncomfortable. As she surveyed the room, all she saw were wall-to-wall with tables that were stacked with trinkets and odd technologies. It was like something out of Spy Kids, which was Staf’s favorite movie. 

“You don’t seem to be impressed by this top secret technology that you desperately wanted to see,” Staf’s guide told her. 

    “I am impressed, what would ever make you think I wasn’t?” Staf snapped. Jeremy blinked at her, at a loss for words. Perhaps she was making a face at the disgusting smell of this top secret technology. Or maybe she doubted that this machine could actually produce a human clone. 

Jeremy was kind of ugly and skeezy, but Staf didn’t mind all of this as long as it got her what she wanted. She actually felt tempted to make out with him, but those thoughts were intrusive, so she shoved them to the back of her mind like she shoved her sister into traffic that one time. 

    “Nothing at all,” he sighed. “But I think I have covered this machine well enough. The starting price is ten million dollars.” Staf looked at the machine. It looked just like a tanning bed, if the tanning bed was filled with glowing liquid. It was not something she would want to display in her house. It was not something she would want to pay ten million dollars for either. She only had four dollars in her bank account, at any rate. Luckily, Staf had an idea. 

    “You have no proof that this thing works.” she said, trying to make her voice sound seductive. Her attempt wasn’t quite working. 

    “I showed you that video earlier, it made a brand new human.”

    “That video could have been edited,” Staf pointed out to him. In truth, the video was so low quality that it could have been anything, but she figured that pointing this out wouldn’t be as tactful. 

    “Would you like to see a demonstration?” Jeremy asked. Staf was pleased. This was exactly what she had wanted, and Jeremy was giving it right to her. 

    “Of course,” Staf smiled and pulled out one of her hairs. “Here’s a sample.”

    Jeremy looked confused. “I meant that I would clone myself.” 

    The thought of two Jeremys in this world - or even more than that, if he had used this machine before - made Staf uncomfortable. There really should only be one Jeremy, she thought, and it was the one right in front of her. And even though he was objectively ugly, Staf was starting to think he was kind of cute. 

    “Well, I already pulled out this hair, and that really hurt.” Staf handed him the hair, trying to sound cute. Jeremy looked at her for a second then dropped his eyes and started pressing buttons. Staf watched him, making note of what buttons he pressed to make the clone.

    Jeremy started singing to himself. His voice wasn’t that bad. It almost sounded like Michael Buble, but not quite. It was slightly worse.

    Eventually he stopped singing. The cloning machine started to buzz. “Your clone would be ready in an hour, but I’ll stop it halfway through. You’re not getting a clone for free.”

    Staf’s plan was not about to be foiled like that. “What’s wrong with that?” 

    “The thought of two Stafs in this world makes me uncomfortable. There really should only be one Staf, I think, and it is the one right in front of me.”

    Staf thought it was weird this guy could almost read her thoughts. Maybe they were meant to - no, she cut that thought off. She immediately hatched a new plan in her head. Jeremy didn’t seem like the type of guy who cleaned up after himself, so if she broke into this place at night, maybe she could finish the procedure.