BUTTERFLIES

CHAPTER FOUR

Next time, next time, next time, I thought as I was laying in bed that night, wide awake from the fluttery, happy feeling I felt in my chest, as if my feelings were so strong that my heart grew wings and my whole body couldn't help but smile.

I was seriously in like with this girl. It had been a while since I had felt this way. I hadn't gotten past the talking stage with anyone since starting university and was not sure if I could call whatever happened in high school a capital R Relationship, regardless of the love, or lack thereof, I had felt at the time.

At the same time as this unbounded excitement, however, there was an underlying sense of fear. Or not fear, exactly, but rather an anxiety for the future, for the vulnerability that comes with falling in like.

Stop overthinking this. This is the happiest I've felt in a year, I thought, trying to calm the nerves through self-reassurance. As I was falling asleep, I decided that I would only let myself be happy about what this could potentially become and not fear what it might un-become. I deserved a little joy in my life after the past couple of years.

***

A text from Lena reading

good morninggg

was the first notification I saw when I checked my phone the next day.

hiii :) I sent back. I wasn't exactly sure if she was trying to start a full-blown conversation.

yesterday was really fun! Next time you should come to my place

Again with the unspecified "next time." Isn't that what people say when they don't actually want a "next time"? No, if she didn't want a "next time," she wouldn't have suggested her apartment, I thought to myself. Besides, the semantics of "next time" in English dating lingo was something that not even all native English speakers got, so I wouldn't expect her to use a line like that on me.

yeah! when are you free again?

Well Lisa and I are going to Cologne tomorrow for a few days so maybe not until next week?

For a second I was surprised to hear about such soon travel plans, but then I realized that we hadn't really talked about our short-term futures at all since we first met. I couldn't be upset about her not telling me, it had nothing to do with me and she owed me nothing.

Cool! be sure to send pics :) I responded.

I needed to sound chill about the fact that I was sad we wouldn't see each other for even longer than the 48 hours we had gone between each of our past dates. Calling them "dates'' felt weird to me. There wasn't the stiff formality of a "date," between us, we very quickly moved past the stage of small talk and I felt like we had known each other for a lot longer than we did. Plus, we hadn't really specified that we were "dating." All I knew was I really liked her. But I didn't know for sure that she felt the same way, so I didn't want to come off too strong. We hadn't yet discussed what "page" we were on in the presently very brief book of our knowing each other.

of course! she texted back.

That was the end of our conversation until later in the afternoon the next day. I figured she was busy packing for her trip and I wasn't sure what the logistics were for her travel. Can you even drive from Denmark to Cologne? I asked myself. I hadn't thought to ask when she was leaving, how she was getting there, or wish her safe travels. Is wishing her safety too much too soon? But the truth was I did want her to be safe, because, beneath everything, I felt like we could consider each other friends, and friends care about each other.

Luckily I had a lot of schoolwork to busy myself with while I awaited her contact. I had neglected most of my assignments over the past week and so there was a lot to catch up on. Sometimes I got so caught up in the romance of living in Europe that I forgot I was still a student, and still had regular student responsibilities, like the art history paper I had due in two days and the Danish culture presentation I was supposed to be giving on Friday. Why do we have to present about Danish culture when the whole point of living here was to experience the culture firsthand? I questioned. Though truthfully, I really liked my presentation topic. I was writing on Danish happiness, why Denmark is known to be the "Happiest Country in the World." Apparently it's because of things like hygge and good healthcare, but I was just happy to be living somewhere so beautiful and so far away from home, and as of recently, because of the people, or rather, the person, I had met.