BUTTERFLIES

CHAPTER NINE

It didn't take long for things to return to normal. It turns out people really don't make a big deal out of things, even if they feel huge in the moment. Comments stayed basically the same, and apparently people had known about us for a lot longer than we realized. People are crazy good stalkers. 

I thought it would change things, like she would be more cautious about public displays of affection and who was around us, who was watching. But if anything, it made her more open. I think she accepted the fact that people knew, and had known for a while, and she was getting more and more comfortable with herself and with us. It was nice, to see her grow like this, getting more confident. Her private account kinda gave away everything anyways, as people could see who she followed.

Some people expressed their anger with the photo being posted, calling it a violation of privacy and protecting my name in comment sections. In some ways, it was nice to see those comments, because it meant that she still had people who supported her unconditionally and stand up for her, but at the same time, it made things worse, because it just confirmed that everyone knew, and continued the conversation when she would have rather people just moved on. They even gained followers because of it, people suddenly paying more attention now that they knew she wasn't straight.

But with everyone, people did begin to move on. The number of tags decreased each day and people resumed their normal social media lives, re-consumed by their own lives and issues and drama. The more shit that happens to you, the more you realize how little people really care about anyone but themselves. Not that it's a bad thing, to be self-centered, because it's simply human nature. We can only ever see things from our point of view, we will never be able to leave our own heads and fully and deeply know another person, because we can't read minds. And because of that, we are constantly caught up in our own worries about ourselves, and how other people see us and judge us, when in reality, everyone is too focused on themselves to really notice anyone else's flaws. That is, for the most part, a comforting fact, but every now and then you come across a person who you want to notice your flaws. You want them to notice everything about you, and if they don't notice it on their own, you're willing to show them. That's how I was feeling about Lena, and had been for a while. I started to realize that what I was feeling for her was far more than just the butterflies, than a really like, and worlds and worlds beyond something that could disappear due to some photo someone posted of us.

***

should i post this?  I received a text from Lena, followed by a black and white photo of us, just the side of our faces, showing our matching earrings. But from the photo it was clear that her arm was wrapped around me. 

on lena? I asked.

Yeah. i think i want to.

then i say do it. 

Will u come over? she asked.

love yo, I responded, immediately noticing my typo.

****LOVE TO, I WOULD LOVE TO, I corrected, but I couldn't help but think that my fingers' Freudian slip was another sign that I should be saying something to her. Or not just "something" but a specific thing. It had been long enough, and I thought about those three words practically every day, even when we were apart. Sometimes even more so because we were apart.

be there in 15. sorry. I followed up. All she sent back was a shaking hands emoji.

***

When I got to her apartment, I just ignored the text I sent earlier and we went about our afternoon. By sunset, I suggested a movie night. Lena hadn't seen a lot of the classic canon queer films, but I had made a list of stuff she should watch, or we could watch together. Portrait of a Lady on Fire seemed too dramatic for the mood and she had already seen Call Me By Your Name. We needed something fun, to brighten our spirits.