My Very Personal Poetry

Motherhood

It's not easy for anyone

Especially for a nine year old

With no choice, no say, nothing to do but work away

It was work, to love them everyday 

When I just wanted to be my age

I wanted friends without change

But we kept moving schools 

And I became cruel 

And ashamed of myself

Fuck the hand I was dealt

Hardships lead to resentment and anger

And I became my father, I couldn't look in the mirror

Hurting those I love because I was hurt

The guilt and shame, I'm all covered in dirt

Filthy, impure, and vile

My mind forcing me to forget, the only escape is denial 

I felt like I wanted to die for the first time

But I didn't, I pushed through it

My boys made me not want to quit

I miss my children that aren't my children everyday 

I have no choice now too

They aren't mine 

No matter the hole in my chest without them 

Because things are "better" now for her

She can do it now

Now but not then 

For them but not me

I wasn't an expecting mother to be

But I was a mother all the same

For them but not for me