Exquisite Torture

III.

The way he found himself looking forward to seeing Type after a long day was ridiculously hopeful. Or how often he found himself watching him as he slept instead of sleeping himself. But mostly it was the desire to touch him. To gauge his presence entirely with his hands. He longed to kiss his face, run his fingers through his hair, caress every inch of his body.

Type made it too easy. It was like a wall between them had crumbled leaving nothing between them but the gossamer threads of possibility. Type didn't shrug off Tharn's touch like he did other people. He didn't pull away if they had been sitting side by side for too long. When he wanted Tharn's attention, he touched him too. Light taps and unnecessary handshakes. Playful slaps that Tharn never tried to dodge.

But there was no hope for it. For them.

So, he pulled away.

Tharn didn't want to. His heart was already more invested in their relationship than he could deny. But that was a recipe for disaster. How could he balance what he wanted with what he knew he could get? How could he go against the single tenet he had given himself from the moment he saw Type's face on that newspaper? He would never do anything to anyone ever if it was against their will.

He had to find a way to let go. Even though he desperately wanted to get to know Type and he finally had the chance. The desire for more was as futile as wishing he was straight.

Keeping away was better than testing his meagre self-control. He came home late and left early. He offered nothing but the minimum amount of conversation that politeness required to keep their relationship civil. He put as much physical distance between them as he could when they shared a single room.

Type noticed. He didn't say anything and for that Tharn was grateful. He just gave Tharn looks that said he wasn't very good at hiding how he was feeling. Neither of them was. But it was the price Tharn was willing to pay. It was better to have the short-term discomfort over the long-term pain.

"You want to go out this weekend?" Type asked from his bed when Tharn walked into the room.

"No thanks. I promised my mum I'd head home for dinner," Tharn answered.

He was lucky that he had so much to do. Every time Type invited him somewhere, he had an excuse. And perhaps not all of them were true. But he made sure he followed through, just in case Type thought to check. But he never did. And the trust he put in Tharn's word just pierced his heart even more.

~

Tharn was cold. It was like he had taken the soul out of his own body and replaced it with a block of ice. Type was confused. Tharn had been the bigger man throughout his tantrum. He had taken care of him when he was sick. He'd made a point of soothing his nightmares. Then out of the blue, he'd taken all the care he had given and replaced it with polite disregard.

Type wanted to call him out on it. But what could he say that made any sense, "You were nice and now you're acting like you don't even want to look at me anymore?"

It was a perfectly legitimate reaction. Type had treated him as a friend until he found out he was gay. Only to turn on him and treat him like the enemy. If he hadn't been so embarrassed over Tharn reciprocating his anger and violence with kindness and generosity, Type would probably have continued his campaign of cruelty.

Type had swallowed his pride and apologized but it was far from enough. He didn't want to be indebted to Tharn but what more could he do beyond giving his thanks and hoping Tharn accepted it. He didn't have much money so he used his allowance to replace the things he had destroyed. It was his way of showing Tharn that he wanted him to feel comfortable and he was determined to make their space inviting. But Tharn didn't react the way Type had hoped.

Instead of going back to normal, he was stranger than ever. Type didn't want to give a damn but he did. He wanted to keep fighting. But there wasn't any point in fighting with someone who wouldn't fight back. The loss of Tharn's attention felt like a living thing. A pain that made him want to lash out. Yet Type couldn't understand why he cared.

And he cared—a lot.

Type finally had to admit that he felt like he had lost an ally. Tharn had been on his side and everything he had done had made it impossible for his roommate to think well of him. Type couldn't call Tharn out. It would mean he had noticed he was acting different and didn't want that. It would mean he would have to admit to feeling something like heartache at the thought of never having what he had with Tharn anymore. But Tharn was gay. Type didn't know if his defection was good or bad. Did he want Tharn to come back or not?

It was a chance encounter that finally shifted things for them. Type was out with his friend and they ended up at P'Jeep's bar. There was no live performance that night so most people were just chilling and chatting. And right in the middle of the main floor, Tharn was sitting with his two friends drinking and laughing like he hadn't left Type worried and confused for days.

Techno immediately recognized him and went over to say hello.

"Hey Techno," Tharn responded happily, "What brings you to our neck of the woods."

"You're neck of the woods?" He asked confused.

"We usually perform here. But it's a nice place to hang out even on our day off."

"Maybe we'll come and cheer you on the next time." Techno offered, his sunny personality making up for the dark cloud circling over Type's head. "So who are your friends?"

Tharn made quick work on introducing Tum and Lhong while Techno introduced Champ and Type to the new faces, "Although you should be the one introducing your roommate to your friends, right?"

Type didn't like the look of surprise that passed over both of Tharn's friends but he didn't have time to ask about it. Techno was already asking them to join tables so they could all sit together and everyone was happy to comply. They moved around and when they finally settled on their spots, Tharn and Type were sitting side by side.

It was strange to see Tharn being so sociable. He had been anything but. It was even more noticeable when he was kind to everyone but succinct to the point of being rude with Type. He flirted with the waitress when she came over to drop their drinks. Then flirted with Lhong when he leaned over to point out a cute boy at the neighbouring table giving Tharn a very inviting look. But he gave Type one-word answers to all his questions.

With a few drinks in his system, Type finally asked what Tharn's problem was. He must have been loud because people around them stopped to gawk. But it wasn't reason enough for Type to stop.

"I said I was sorry. Do you want me to beg?"