Th*rsty (Scomiche)

I'll Be Over You (Part 1)

“It takes some time. God knows how long. I know that I can forget you as soon as my heart stops breaking, anticipating. As soon as forever is through, I’ll be over you.”

I’ll Be Over You by Toto

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“Are you okay?”

I’ve been asked that question several times in the past year, and my answer has changed over the course of several months.

They asked me again yesterday and I said yes because I thought I was. I truly believed I was, or at least I hoped I was.

But I don’t know.

Somehow, today, I don’t feel okay.

And it sucks. So bad. Because now all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. Not that I haven’t already done that. I’ve been trying to stop the tears since I woke up. But I’m not in bed, and I just want to go back.

I’m not okay and it hurts to know that the reason why is still the same.

*****

“I’m scared,” he whispered. Scott and I were at Starbucks, seated on a table in the corner. He sat across from me, his head bowed down, his hands restlessly moving across the round table.

“I know. And I’m really scared, too. But don’t you think this is worth a shot?” I fought the urge to reach out to him, to hold his hands.

He took a deep breath and slowly lifted his head. “I do,” he replied with an awkward smile.

“Then let’s try. There’s no need to rush. We can take it slow,” I suggested.

“You’ll help me figure this out?” he asked, his tone hopeful.

“I will. We’ll do this together.”

*****

Looking back, the signs were there. Screaming at me. Telling me all along that it wasn’t right, that I had to leave. But I didn’t listen.

I guess love doesn’t make one just blind. It also makes a person deaf to all the warning signals, deaf to all the screaming voices in one’s head, deaf to what others have to say. It’s the kind of deafness that can’t be resolved with aids because the problem is your stubborn brain, refusing to process anything that sounds remotely unhappy or painful.

*****

“Are you sure about what you’re getting into?” Kirstie asked. Concern was etched all over her face. “This is like a step in the wrong direction.”

“I am. I think.” I sighed. “Maybe not, Kitty. I don’t really know,” I confessed.

“Sweetie…” She scooted closer to me and pulled me into a tight embrace. “You know I love you, right? I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“And I love you, too. But he makes me happy, and I think we could make it work. Exactly how, we’re not sure yet. That’s what we’re trying to figure out.”

“I still don’t approve but… as long as you’re happy, Mitch. That’s all I really want for you,” she said, hugging me tighter. “I’m here if you need anything, okay?”

Leave it to her to always know how to make me feel better. “What am I going to do without you, Kitty?”

*****

I just wish I got out earlier and removed myself from that toxic relationship. That I didn’t have to waste six precious years of my life waiting.