Before The Fall (Suicide Notes Prequel)

The Note

~Published: February 26, 2015~

Mom and Dad, I don't know if you are reading this or if you are going to throw this away the second you see my name written on the envelope, but I want you to know that I'm so sorry, Victoria London wrote on the white sheet of printer paper sitting on her desk, her pen grasped in her left hand, poised and ready to write the rest of the painful words flowing through her mind.

I'm sorry I wasn't the daughter you wanted and I'm sorry that the daughter you did want is gone. I'm sorry about Veronica and I'm sorry that because of me, the most amazing daughter in the world had to leave you behind for a world that is above us. I'm sorry that after all these years I have done nothing but continuously hurt you.

I'm sorry that I lied, that I stole, that I ripped a hole in your hearts, that I wasn't easy to love. I'm sorry about Vinn and all the trouble I caused and the pain I inflicted. I'm sorry that because of me, he will never be able to walk again. I'm sorry that because of me, you will never see your most precious child walk down the aisle towards her groom to be.

With all the I'm sorry's I also have to say that I forgive you. I forgive you for all the pain you caused me, physically and mentally. I forgive you for the emotional neglect and I know that most of it was well deserved. After all, it was my fault.

I'm sorry that I was not the child that any parent would love or the sister that any sibling would want and I forgive you for not hiding it, for choosing them over me and for not choosing me at all. I forgive you for disowning me, for abandoning a hopeless cause.

I hate to be a burden on you like I've been for the past twenty-one years of my life, which is why I am writing this for you. I know that I have been nothing but a sad excuse for a human being, nothing but a complete disappointment, but it is all going to change in six days on the one day where my existence is even more of a burden: my birthday.

This is not a promise for change, at least not the way you may be thinking. No, this is a permanent goodbye. I am ending the endless age of misery that I have been stuck in and the one that I dragged you all into. The truth is, I have been thinking about this for a long time and I now realize that time is the one thing I don't have anymore.

If luck is on your side then you can find what is left of me at the old bridge where Veronica left. If not, then my body has most likely been swept away by the waves of the ocean never to be seen again. In some ways that is what I want and in others it is not. I don't want you to have to bury another child and in doing so would only be more of a burden than a relief.

If my body is indeed found, I want to be buried next to Veronica, but if not then I don't want you to look for me because you will not find me. I will hopefully be in the hands of my Lord watching over you in peace.

Please take care of yourselves and don't blame yourselves for any of this. It is my fault, not yours. I'm sorry and I forgive you, and hopefully you will forgive me as well.

Please tell Vinn that I am sorry for everything. Tell him I love him. And, finally, I want you to know that even though we had our problems and even though I never seemed to show it, I will always love you both even after I'm gone. I'm sorry.

Love, Victoria.

Victoria signed her name and wiped stray tears from her eyes as they glided down her cheeks and dropped onto the sheet of paper that was going to be the only thing left of her.

Only six days to go.