Lightning In The Hidden Leaf

20 - Kakashi's Love History

Calista and Kakashi rematerialize exactly as they were when they when they left the Land of Fire. Kakashi's arms are around her waist, their chakras becoming one one as their bodies firmly press together. 

None of what happened felt unusual to Kakashi. Not vaporizing, travelling via portal nor the intimate contact with the woman who only a week ago was a stranger he met at a hot spring. He still isn't quite sure how he got to this moment. 

 He thinks back to the days when he was just a genin and chunin. He spent a lot of time Asuma, Guy, and Obito and other boys his own age. While they were all focused and skilled shinobi, they paid particular attention to girls. Natural, sure. But Kakashi always saw girls and love as a distraction from his ultimate goal, which was and still is to become a highly exceptional ninja.

Well, that's the narrative he made himself and others believe, but there is another part to that story. Or rather, the truth.

He was cold and closed off to love for as long as he can remember. It might have had something to do with losing his parents at a young age, sure. And watching his comrades die didn't help either. But it was after Rin died by his own hands that changed everything. It's a long story to get into now, but it's what happened after that that's important to share. He was cold all his life but after she died, Kakashi allowed his heart to completely freeze over. No one then could reach his heart for it was sheltered in a layer of thick ice.

Her death wasn't intentional on Kakashi's part. He never would have killed her. Ever. But it still happened and after that, Kakashi shut down. He doesn't deserve anyone's love. How could he? When the one person who loved him died. Now her blood is on his hands and it will never wash off no matter how hard he tires.

Kakashi is doing better these days. Leaving the Anbu to work with children has helped. And time. His heart became a little warmer, yes, but don't be mistaken for he has gotten comfortable living in the cold. He recalls the time not that long ago when he met a woman in his village. Her name is Nicola and she studied the human psyche all across the lands. She settled in the Leaf village where she worked with and treated ninja with post traumatic stress disorder as a result of trauma they endured. Kakashi was one of her patients. They became friends quickly and It didn't take long when deep mutual feelings transpired. She is a kind and warm woman and she deserved to have a man reciprocate the same warmth and kindness she gave. But when Kakashi realized he would not, could not, be that man, he cut all ties with her. It crushed her, and it crushed him. But with that pain came familiarity and comfort. Kakashi was able to once again be alone with his icy heart. It's home to him now.

Maybe he's cursed, he has often wondered. Doomed to hurt others because of his own pain.

But with Calista, he feels that at least he can try. Besides, you can't really hurt what already pains. 

Yes, his interest in Calista is because she shares the same darkness, the same coldness as he does. He has had fleeting fantasies of them sharing the ugly truths of their pasts and the love that could blossom as they confide in one another and maybe through that love, they can let go of their darkness and find warmth in the light. 

Or maybe their union will result in an endless cycle of distance and pain. A desire for intimacy never to be reached as neither one knows how to open up to love. Maybe if he allowed Nicola to try, he could have learned to love too. Has he missed his chance?

He gazes at Calista who is totally oblivious to his thoughts. Her eyes are looking straight ahead as she focuses on something much more important.

Are people like us lost causes, Calista?  he thinks to himself, letting out a sigh.

Calista looks at him in that moment. "Did you say something?" she says.

He shakes his head. "No. I haven't spoken a word."

"Sorry I'm not really attentive right now. I'm a little lost in thought."

Kakashi laughs. "Yeah. Me too."

She looks at him curiously then smiles. "Let's keep going. If we speed up, we can make it before sun down." She takes a leap off the ground and rushes on ahead. Kakashi stops and watches her as she gets smaller. 

Do you share the same fears as me, Calista? Is that why... you're always running?

Kakashi decides at that moment that he will stop running. Even for a little while, just to see what happens.