I didn't go to the park to meet Niall the next day.
I had fallen asleep on the couch somewhere around nine in the morning, only to have my mother wake me up half an hour later. I went into my room, closing the curtains that had been previously opened by my mom, turning all the lights off, and laid in my bed. I didn't do anything but think. I mostly thought about how I was supposed go meet Niall today. But the more I thought about it the more my hands shook. Of course, if this was up to me, I would stop the shaking of my body and the stuttering of my knee caps that keep me locked in my bed. I then thought about how maybe I should get a dog, because I don't even like cats. Why did I get Rose? Dogs are probably better company anyway.
My mom had cut off my thoughts as soon as she walked in. She does this often. She'll come in, not say anything, and lay beside me. Today I thought I'd talk to her.
"Mom, I think I should get a dog." I said, staring at the ceiling. She sighed.
"You already have a cat, Nix. Why a dog?" She said.
"Because," I sat up. "Mom I don't even like cats. Why did I get a cat, when I could've gotten a dog? I obviously didn't think this through. Whoever let me do this is not my kind of pal." I said, hearing her sigh again.
"We can take Rose to a shelter or something, we'll get you a dog." I don't know who we is but she always says things like this, like there's more than two people living in this house.
"But, mom, I'm already attached to Rose. We can't get rid of her now. I don't even know what I'm going to do when she dies. That's how attached I am." I said.
"Get your own apartment and you can have as many damn animals as you want." Mom muttered. I nodded. I got off the bed, going over to the desk where my laptop laid. I opened it up, going straight to Google and typing in 'modern apartments in London for irresponsible, depressed, anxious eighteen year olds.'
"Which one looks better to live in?" I asked my mom. She got up, walking toward me and bent down a little to look at the laptop screen. The only thing that had popped up was a psychopathy page off of Wikipedia and articles about child abuse.
"For Christs sake Nix. Just look up damn apartments." She said, walking off.
"But, mother!" I called back. I'm guessing she ignored me, because I didn't hear her rush to come to my aid. I shrugged. And actually looked up apartments.
At 9:07 I got a call from an unknown caller. Weighing my options of it being a serial killer or the wrong number, I answered anyway.
"Hello." I answered. The person on the other line sighed loudly, and I knew who it was. "Hey Niall. How'd you get my number?" I asked. I wasn't really surprised to hear form him. Well kinda. We wouldn't really have any other way of contact except for me calling the suicide hotline again.
"We do have caller ID when someone feels the need to end their life, ya know. Anyways, I didn't see you at the park, that is, if you even showed up." He said. I thought about how to tell him I actually didn't show up to the park because I was scared and I was looking for apartments to move into so I could please my mother.
"I didn't." I answered. "I didn't come to the park, because, oh my god, Niall. Do you know how hard it is to step out of our own home and feel like the world is staring at you and putting you down without needing to say anything. I was also looking for apartments so my mom can be satisfied with me for once."
"It's okay Nix. We can just stick to the phone for now, but we're going to have to meet loner or later. We're far too invested into this to never see each other." Niall said.
We ended up talking until five in the morning. I'm sure we would've talked more if I hadn't passed out from lack of sleep from the night before also. I woke up at 3pm and called Niall.
This same routine went on for a few days. I didn't really feel sad in those few days, which was so new I didn't know if I could ever feel sad again.
A/n youtube.com/watch?v=sLMdXiH6-j8
