She Wasn't You

Chapter 26

2001

Honestly when that ball hit the back of the net, it felt like we were the only two people in the world. I turned around calmly and looked at you with my arms up in the air, you looked astonished at what had just happened, you looked my dead in the eye clapping and cheering for me, jumping up and down on your pretty toes.

You were my biggest cheerleader.

Just as I was about to run over to you to celebrate with you, I was jumped on by all 10 of my teammates, all bundled on top of me cheering and whacking me on the head in celebration. But the job wasn't done yet.

Fortunately this was a cup match which meant we had an extra 30 minutes in extra time to try and find a winner. If that failed, we would be heading for a penalty shootout.

Once I could finally moved, I let out the biggest roar. Telling the guys to focus, we had this now, there was no way we were going to lose from now. The other team looked distraught, that goal had physically and mentally killed them.

Extra time went as expected, it was cagey, nobody wanted to be the one to make a mistake that led to defeat. All 22 of us ok that field were exhausted, playing through the pain barrier coursing through our legs and heads. The pitch was muddy and heavy due to the rain the night before. Part of me wished I hadn't scored that goal. I needed a rest, but the adrenaline kept me going, seeing you on the sideline still cheering us on gave me that extra final push I needed.

I was going to win this for you, Katie.

I hoped that this was proof that I never gave up, I will always push myself to get what I want, even if it means pushing myself through pain to get it. This match was very much like our relationship. Just when I thought it was over and lost, I pushed myself that little bit extra to keep us alive.

Did you see it? Or were you there just to cheer on Bradley?

Once the referee blew the whistle for the end of extra time, my whole body seized up. I couldn't feel my legs. The calf injury I picked up in the final last year, still wasn't 100% and the pull through my calf at the end of the match had me in agony but I had to push through. I was the teams penalty taker, there was no way I was going to say no to taking one of the 5 ahead. I wasn't the captain of the team but I pushed the guys to leave everything we had on that field week in, week out. I wasn't going to let them down today.

The penalty shoot out was as tense as the match. I raised my hand when asked to take one and was given the task of taking the 5th. I was hoping that we would have won it before getting to me but I was ready to go should I be needed.

0-1 - They scored their first
1-1
1-2
2-2
2-3
3-3
4-3
4-4

With us scoring that penalty, I was guaranteed to have to take one. Whether it be to win the game or to keep us level and force the 6th round of penalties.

Danny was our goalkeeper and as much as I loved him, he was okay but not the greatest in the world. He didn't fill me full of confidence but with Nicola being there, he looked over and pointed to her. He mouthed something but I couldn't see exactly what it was. I think it was at that moment, I knew he would save this one. He grew two foot taller and his confidence in himself looked to have sky rocketed.

SAVED!!!! Low to his right, Danny stretched out an arm and pushed the ball around the post and to safety. Legend!

"No pressure, Tommy!"

Danny high-fived me as I grabbed the ball and walked to the penalty spot, placing the ball down, I refused to look at the opposition goalkeeper who was dancing around on his line in an attempt to put me off, my heart was bursting through my chest, the butterflies in my stomach flying around like they were in the eye of a tornado.

I knew you were stood, eyes glued on me, Katie but I couldn't look at you. I needed to stay focused. As I stepped back for my run up, I took the deepest breath I had ever inhaled before closing my eyes and exhaling. I had a perfect 12 from 12 from the penalty spot. That unlucky 13 wasn't far from my thoughts.

As the ref blew the whistle, it was time. I began my run up and hit the ball towards the bottom right corner, I grimaced as I saw the goalkeeper moving in the same direction as the ball.

GOAL!!!

The goalkeeper guessed the correct way but the ball was just out of reach, the net bulged for me once more and it was over! We had won the game.

Before I could even turn away to celebrate my entire team were on top of me again, screaming and cheering once more. We had somehow turned the match around and come away victorious. I'd never felt emotion quite like it on the football field before.

Once I finally managed to crawl out of the heap of bodies on top of me, my first through was to look at you, Katie. Did I do enough today to bring you back to me?

My highest of highs soon came crashing down as I lay on the muddy grass, my body broken, my calf throbbing like I had just been stood on for days. Looking across to see you with your arms wrapped around Bradley, kissing his cheek and pulling him in closer to you.

I think it was at that point, I realised once and for all that we had our time and I messed it up big time. There was no going back for us.

                                 ~~~

As the team headed home, I decided to stick around just in my own thoughts, taking in the match over and over again. I was on such a high, even seeing you with Bradley couldn't ruin my buzz.

I sat on the side of the pitch, with my knees up as my arms behind me, leaning back taking it all in time and time again. I rolled my socks down to my ankles, pulled my shin pads out, laying them beside me as I un-tied my boots. My calf was throbbing in pain, I'm pretty sure if I even attempted to stand it wouldn't work.

Just me and my water bottle keeping me company as I looked around, seeing a group of people sat together on the other side of the pitch in a semi circle of sorts.

Danny, Nicola, Bradley and you.

I watched as they were clearly still on as much of a high as I was. Pointing to the pitch re-living the game, hands and arms flying around. Animated and probably exaggerating the truth ever so slightly. I smiled as I knew Danny well enough to go around telling everyone it was his save that won them the match and without him, I wouldn't have won the game. Which would be fair but everyone knows I won the match, even you, didn't you, Katie?

I continued to sit there alone, just watching the four of you. Knowing you had all seen me but not one of you called me over. I wasn't part of this group any more. I was the outsider and I had nothing left in me to try and squeeze my way back in. My pride too proud for that.

I was upset, of course I was. I wouldn't be human if watching you all didn't have an affect on me but as I sat there all I could think of was that song by Lene Marlin. Do you know the one I'm talking about? I'm sure you do...

Sitting Down Here.

It felt so apt given the current circumstances.

'I'm sitting down here, but hey you can't see me.

Kinda invisible, you don't sense my stay
Not really hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day.

I'm sitting down here, but hey, you can't see me.

You seem to wanna hurt me, no matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple, buts somehow it gets to you
But I've learned to get revenge and I swear you'll experience that some day...'

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