I Try To Picture Me Without You But I Can't

Home

A/n ~means dream~ and things get kinda sexual. She talks about some stuff and there is rape in this chapter or the next one. Sorry guys. I cried writing it but yeah. LEAVE ME COMMENTS💕

After getting ready, I packed everything I owned into my backpack. Just small things like a toothbrush, a brush, a sweater, some pictures of my family and my phone charger.

(Kind of back story to get you caught up on what's going on in this girls life, there will be lots of this until I'm done explaining)

I had an amazing family. I had both my parents and three younger siblings. They were always there for me and they all were just as infatuated with Patrick as I was. My mom tried to make me stay in Chicago and just tell Patrick what was on my mind, because she knew that he was the one for me.

I did too. He was my one and only.

But I let fear overcome my mind. I had seen what fame had done to so many people, no matter what kind of people they were before.

It drives me crazy knowing that I'm the sole cause of all my pain. I miss my mom so much. I went to her for everything. She was my best friend other than Pete, Andy and Joe.

Sometimes the pain is unbearable. That was the main reason for my 2nd suicide attempt. I promised my mom that after my first attempt, a little while after I left Patrick that I wouldn't ever do it again but I couldn't handle the depression from the loss of my family. I had no one. Nowhere to go. My parents weren't wealthy, we made enough to get by, but they didn't have a savings or life insurance or anything.

My family was murdered about a year ago. The police don't have a clue why the killer picked my family or why I had happened to be at work at 3:45am when they them but it happened. It was the worst day of my life. I was just starting to try to get on with my life. I had been at my part-time job at a local retail store and I was loving it. They said I was close to becoming an assistant manager. That's where I met John.

He was super sweet. He would always call me cute and comment on how good I looked that day. But I still wasn't over Patrick. We were friends for 5 years and dating for 5 years. That's 10 years. It had been 4 years but I didn't think I would ever move on from him.

About two months before the incident with my family happened, John asked me out. And I reluctantly accepted. The only friend I had, her name was Ashton, said it would help.

We dated for a while and I finally let him do normal relationship stuff like kiss me on the lips or hold my hand, but it was weird for me because I had only ever done those things with Patrick and I wanted to keep it that way.
I know I left but I was going to go back after the tour was over and explain everything but when I tried to contact the boys, any of them, their numbers had been changed and their manager, Dan, said that they were just too busy for me. He always hated me, but I listened and stayed away.

When my parents died, John made me move in with him. I had no choice. I didn't know anyone. All my family was gone. I had Ashton but she was still living at home.

It actually wasn't that bad living with John. He would wash my clothes and make me breakfast in bed but I never felt love for him. He noticed.

I had a secret "obsession" with Fall Out Boy. I watched all their interviews and performances. I wanted to keep tabs on the only family I had left. John didn't like it. He could tell I had a thing for Patrick. And he wasn't wrong, it was more than a "thing" or a crush. It was true love. I couldn't live one day without listening to Patricks voice or seeing him on my computer screen. I missed him so much.

John got mad one night because I made him turn off basketball so I could watch FOB on tv. He stormed out to go to the bar while incoherently mumbling. I knew he was calling me names or something so I shrugged it off. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was seeing Patrick do his hip swivel/grind on his guitar. I moaned out loud. It's weird now that I think about it but me and Patrick were total sex addicts. And he was good at it too. It had been four years and my body craved his touch. His skin, his lips on mine. I fell asleep more flustered than I wanted to be.

~lips slid up my neck as I gripped his short dirty blonde hair and moaned.
"Mmmmm Patrick"
"Yes Sugar?" He groaned as he grinded his hips against mine.
"Oh God Patrick, stop teasing" I was in agony. I loved it but I wanted him so bad.
He ripped off my bra and started to slowly rub my breasts as he kissed me long and slow. I moaned really loud~

I was woken up by a sharp stinging pain on my cheek. I smelled strong alcohol like whisky and When I opened my eyes, John was standing above me.

I've never seen him so mad before. I was horrified.
"You little slut" he spat
"Babe, what are you talking about?" I was genuinely confused.
"First I let you move in with me after your stupid family died and then you refuse to have sex with me, now you're cheating on me?" I was scared out of my mind, I've never seen him act like this before. And I truly had no clue why he thought I was cheating. I wouldn't even have sex with him because I never actually broke up with Patrick.

"John, I..I...honestly don't know what you're talking about. I've never cheated on you, w...w..where did you get that idea?" I was shaking, badly. I knew he was drunk and I didn't know what would happen if this went on any longer..but I found out as I watched his hand come in contact with my face....damn it hurt like hell.

"Don't play dumb. You stupid bitch. I heard you moan his name. You wouldn't be moaning other people's names if you weren't whoring around!" OH MY GOD! I can't believe this is all because of me. I had a fucking wet dream. Shit.

I tried to jump off the bed but he grabbed my wrist with strength I didn't know he had.

"You're not going anywhere. If you can whore around then I'm sure you'll have no problem giving me what I want." He growled as he ripped off my loose pajama top and shorts. I tried to fight back but I wasn't strong enough and he eventually pinned me down with his knees in my rib cage and tied me to the headboard.

"Are you ready baby," he purred as he started to kiss my neck.

Gag. Puke. Spit

He pulled off my underwear as I started crying. My life had completely fallen apart. I didn't have Patrick because I was too scared, my family was murdered while I wasn't there to help and now I'm being raped because I can't fucking watch Patrick on t.v. Without dreaming of him.

"Mmmmm baby you feel good" he moaned.
It hurt a lot. He had his fun. I just laid there. I mean, I was tied up. He was really rough. Me and Patrick got pretty rough sometimes but this was torture. I had bruises everywhere. He finally untied me and fell on the bed with a thud. He was asleep. I went to the bathroom and took a bath.

As I sat in the bathtub I started to over think. I grabbed an old bottle of anxiety pills I had and downed half of em. That was my 3rd and last suicide attempt. If I had known that this would be a weekly routine for John, I would've run away sooner, but every time he did it. He said he didn't mean it and I believed him.

I made my way to the hotel front desk and kindly asked the woman behind the counter if I could check out. She took my money and I left.

The Chicago air hit me like little pins and needles, I forgot how cold it could get in November. I pulled my sweater out of my bag and slid it on.

It was close to 5 o'clock so I figured I would walk around for a bit and try to enjoy being back home. I was born and pretty much raised in California but I loved Chicago. It's where I met my love and fell in love. It was home.

A/n SORRY FOR TYPOS! IM ON MY PHONE!