What Happened on Wednesday

Part Ten

 I talked to Eliza for about a week when she herself relapsed. This was Wednesday, March 3rd, 2021, and the last time I had harmed myself was January 18th. She called me crying, telling me that her mother was sending her back to the mental hospital. I wished she wouldn't harm herself. I understand, I know that it's hard to break that habit, but once you do, it is so worth it. I wished she would message me back. She means more to me than she thinks. I love her, I won't tell her that yet, but I do.

In the next few days, my urge to self harm had increased, and seemingly for no reason. Nothing bad had happened, aside from Eliza being whisked away again. I began to get more compliments on my weight loss and my quick wit, having an A in each of my classes for the first time this year, yet suddenly I have gone back to suicidal thoughts. No ideations, just thoughts. But those thoughts are still terrifying. What especially didn't help was Catherine, out of nowhere, being very rude in early March, putting my things that were at her house in a trash bag to give back to me. I couldn't go talk to Mrs. Mirum either, because she was sick. Little did I know, the last time I would talk to her after class was a week ago, talking about a paper mache bird.

I could feel my sanity slip my grasp. I have nothing to keep me here in this school, and each day that goes by I want more and more to move in with my mom and just start over. I want to break something. There is a bubbling anger building up in my system, and slowly, I am beginning to simply hate her. My urge to self harm had come back full force but I stuck it out.

Fifty days. It had been fifty days since I harmed myself and I was so damn proud. This pride gave me the confidence to ask a question that I have wanted to ask for a long time: I wanted to run for the boys team in track.

I told my coaches and Mr. Storme (as if he was going to do anything anyway). Now, it's up to my therapist and my parents and me to get this ball rolling. If my parents say no, I am going to refuse to participate. I'll quit. I would rather be happy than win a million scholarships. Sometimes I wonder if my parents care about my identity, and more the scholarships that I could possibly win. I believe that they think I'm some child prodigy that is capable of pulling in hundreds of scholarships and get a free ride through college.

I hate to break this to her, but I'm not. I want to be happy, not rich. I am capable of running a mile in seven minutes, why can't I do that on the boys team? It just doesn't register mentally to me. My mental health has gone to shit again recently and I am afraid that I will follow Eliza and end up in the hospital again to get my head screwed on straight. Or maybe my head wasn't meant to be screwed on straight. Maybe I'm just fucked up.

My eating issue I think has turned into a disorder. My hair is starting to fall out again and I think I'm so tired because I haven't been eating. That was something I tried to ignore, but at some points I couldn't ignore the fact that I had become pale and my lips were cracked and disgusting, I looked disgusting.

I really needed to think about taking care of myself, but all I could think about was Eliza. I was really confused for a while about what I felt towards Elizabeth. She meant more to me than she probably should, being that I have only been single at this point for three weeks. But there is something about her that makes me smile. I plan to call her tonight. I won't tell her that I am in love with her or anything, but if I can be honest, I might be.

Then again, I didn't know if I wanted a relationship, companionship, or just a long nap. I had no idea.

That is, on Friday, March 12th, 2021, Elizabeth told me she had a crush on me. I had decided that I didn't want a relationship, but boy did I feel butterflies in my stomach when I spoke to her. There's one problem, though, she is my younger brother's age. She is turning 14 this coming April, and that is an age gap of almost two years. I talked to my therapist about Eliza, not mentioning the age gap, and my therapist told me that there was no amount of time that is particular for someone to move on from a past relationship, and that it was okay that I was crushing on Elizabeth.