Random

damn..

hey long time no see. to anyone who maybe reading this hey, how are you? I hope everything is going well. I just really wanted to rant and this feels like it's the safest place for me to do it.

Hi. I just wanted to rant about how I feel extremely lonely. I feel like my life is constantly changing in regards to my social life. yes it is normal for people to come and go but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I go from having no friends, to having many, to none to many. and for the past about 2 almost 3 years I have had no friends. All of my old friends have grown up, made new friends, gotten into new groups etc. I spend my days at school not talking to anyone to the point where I have to clear my throat before I speak because my voice just lays dormant in my throat.

And my therapist is trying to help as best she can to get me to make friends again and talk to my old ones again but like it's just really hard. I'm trying, I've been stepping outside of my comfort zone and trying to talk to my old friends but it's so awkward.

After being alone for so long it's hard to be social. I said hey to my old friend when we passed by each other in the school bathroom (I was going to walk out and just leave it but instead I turned around and said hey). I have reached out and texted some of my old friends like "hey, what's up. fill me in" type of thing but they don't want to type it, or explain it or it's just a lot.

and idk. I don't hold any ill feelings towards them because people come and go and they find new friends and move on. things can't always stay the same way forever but it really sucks a lot. it just hurts to be alone all the time and see your former friends posting about them hanging out on a Friday night with their friends etc. it also hurts when you try to talk to someone and they clearly don't care and just want the conversation to be over. idk.. but yeah sorry I just wanted to rant to someone, anyone.

I do have my boyfriend and I am grateful but trust me when I say, boyfriends/girlfriends do not fix you. let me repeat that. A SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL NOT FIX YOU!! Now they are there to help you but trust in me, if you are extremely depressed and hate yourself, that will not go away just because you're in a relationship I promise you.

Just wanted to put that out there because I used to think the exact same way. But I do have him but he is busy and it's hard to have a social/popular, busy boyfriend when you are antisocial, lonely and have nobody but him and your immediate family. I am grateful for him and my family beyond words but when they are all busy, I am left with nothing but myself...

but anyways sorry for being such a downer. Remember that you are loved and special 🤍