glow - trixya

chapter 2: dim

TW: bullying, homophobia, slurs

2011

When Mr. Charles read Katya's name right after Trixie's while announcing the pairs who would be working together on the Biology project, Katya's head instantly turned to face Trixie, who was exchanging a disgusted look with her friend Jan. No way in hell , Katya thought. There is no way I'll be partners with this freak. Trixie protested first, actually, but it didn't work so Katya didn't even bother. When the girl approached her desk, Katya told her to fuck off and said they could get started on research on their own and then join everything at the end.

"Lovely idea," Trixie told her, arms crossed, "but I don't feel like bombing Biology because some wannabe Regina George thinks I'm a scawy dyke. I'll be at DelRio's after class and if you don't show up, I won't write your name in."

Katya rolled her eyes, yet here she is now, taking a seat before Trixie at the cafe. She did send a text to her friends asking them to come by in a few minutes, just so she doesn't have to spend too long alone with Trixie. DelRio's is everyone's go-to. The windows are big, the booths are comfortable, despite being worn out, and it smells permanently of frying oil. It's just around the corner from their school and they used to come here all the time back in seventh grade.

Katya had been friends with Trixie for a long, long time before everything happened. Best friends, actually. They had weekly sleepovers in which they binged on cold pizza, on cheesy Snow Patrol songs, and on DVDs they had rented. Trixie used to be Katya's favorite person, the one who knew everything about her. She has lost count of how many hours they spent talking in the dark, opening their hearts about anything that might terrorize a 13-year-old.

"I'm not like the other girls," Trixie said once. Katya blinked at the darkness.

"Yeah, neither am I. That's why we're friends," she answered.

"Not like that." Trixie turned to face her on the bed, and Katya did the same. Their foreheads almost touched. "I'm different . In another way."

Katya gulped. "So am I," she confessed in a whisper. Though it was dark, she knew Trixie was smiling. They never really spoke of it again, and it became their best-kept secret.

In their first year of high school, Trixie decided to come out as bisexual. It would be an understatement to say that their group of friends didn't take it well. They joined forces to push her into lockers, call her disgusting, and steal her clothes while she showered after P.E. Katya watched them do it, even took part in it sometimes, and never once defended Trixie. Now that she knew what would happen to her if anyone came close to figuring it out, she couldn't risk it. When it finally dawned on her that Trixie knew about her all along, she stopped hesitating. She pushed Trixie the hardest, she called her filthy, and she threw her underwear in the trash in the locker room.

Still, Trixie never said a word. Katya suspects she may have said something to Jan, the girl who has been following her around like a lost puppy ever since Trixie was dropped by their group of friends. Every time she walks past the brunette in the hallways, she shoots Katya the knowing look of a bitch who knows more than she should. When Jan and Trixie eat lunch together at the cafeteria on the table that is in Katya's direct line of sight, they always smile at each other showing their teeth and Katya doesn't trust people who smile that widely. Sometimes she meets Trixie's eyes. Sometimes she meets Jan's. She still doesn't know which is worse.

Katya would kill to have access to Trixie's or Jan's heads, even if just for a day. She wonders what are all of the things that they all know, and that they all have in common. It nearly steals her a chuckle. She has a good guess. Trixie has her head down, staring at her flowery handwriting, and a pen in her hand. Her blonde hair almost covers her face completely as it cascades down her shoulders and past her breasts. There must be a million things inside of that head right now, and Katya will never hear about it alive.