Seeing Red

The gang in Nice

I woke up to loud cheers and commotion in the living room, the race had already started and Gabriel was being a fanboy. Julia was the only person to notice that I was up and followed me to the kitchen.

"How are you feeling?"

"Much better! So what's happening?"

"The race is halfway done, I didn't want to wake you u you looked so blissfully asleep." She handed me a plate filled with good breakfast food.

"Oh wow this looks good!" I beamed.

"Harriet and I had a quick run to the supermarket and voila!"

I headed to the living room and that's when the commentators decided it would be a good idea to start praising the man in red. I think we're all aware how good he is, some of us are trying to get over him Crofty!

"So what's happening?" I asked Gabriel.

"Charles is leading! He's leading! If he wins this race..."

He looked at me and abruptly stopped, probably figured out this wasn't the right time to be talking about this man.

"No go on! Actually give me stats about..." I looked at the screen, orange "Lando!" I finished my sentence.

"Lando?" Harriet raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah! I'm a Lando fan, such a talented young man." I added.

"Since when?" Julia asked me.

"Since forever..." I lied some more.

Before they could question me anymore, I was saved by my ringing phone. Charlotte was calling so I quickly answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi! Good morning!"

"Good morning! As anticipated, we have to go to Milan." She sighed.

"Alright then, I'll book the tickets what date are we going and coming back?"

"I'll text you the details in a bit, have a good one!" She ended the call.

I joined them again to see Charles on the podium, holding up the winner's trophy and all that jazz. I was happy for him but annoyed that I wasn't there to see it all.

I was supposed to be there, down by the car cheering for him and watching him celebrate. I was supposed to be there, telling him that just one more race to win and the championship was his.

I tried to stop thinking about what could have been, it only made me sadder. I wasn't there to see the sparkles in his eyes or to hug him tight and congratulate him.

I went back to the kitchen hoping that maybe a chilled glass of water would calm me down. It did, temporarily.

"You're not over him, are you?" Julia walked in.

"Huh?"

"You're not over Charles yet?"

"I don't know Jules, it's weird seeing him so happy from so far away."

"How did things go with Darren?"

"It was...Nice." I smiled not knowing how to describe it any better.

She crossed her arms and took a good look at me before shaking her head in disapproval, I asked her what was wrong.

"You're not over him, don't hurt Darren by playing along."

"I'm not playing with anyone's feelings!" I protested.

"Then do it. Tell him you're not going to meet him in a romantic way anymore."

"That... I will not do."

"Why not? It's the right thing to do."

"How will I ever move on and forget him if I don't find someone new. I like Darren very much, I'll learn to love him the way-"

"You'll always love Charles. Is that what you were going to say?"

I didn't feel like having this conversation anymore, it was like going in circles. It came back to the same point no matter how much I tried to run around.

I got out my laptop to look at the airfares and stuff when I noticed a notification on my inbox

Re: Charles Leclerc's attitude problems

This didn't look so good, I opened the email and realised very soon this was a reply to my email, that I actually managed to send. Oh shit.

The reply only caused more embarrassment because they believed that the body of the email seemed rather personal and so they decided to forward it to Charles himself, realising that the person who sent it was me.

It was getting worse, what the fuck did I write in the email. I was feeling sick to my stomach, I quickly looked through my sent mails and found it, addressed to his management agency.

What an idiot, I scolded myself before opening to read what I had sent.

Charles' manager,

Your client is horrible. Hje has attyitudr problems. He is sdo mean i doint like hjim

I will alewayus be his nnuMberOnene fan just tell hikm to stop kissing peoplew and then breaking theirk heartsb.

I wasd sio nice to himb the whjole timerbuthedidntcevenncareeeee

Nowe peopledf are being mean to me onmb the Internet and heew won't even stop them, I amn hurt and feel like garbage.

Very angry
Tarfae

What.

This. Is. Embarrassing. THEY SENT HIM THIS DRUNK EMAIL FULL OF TYPOS? WHY DID I SEND THIS DRUNK EMAIL FULL OF TYPOS?? WHO EVEN EMAILS PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK???

What was I supposed to do? Oh shit. I decided to ask Julia to see if she knew what to do.

"Jules, I'm in deep shit." I pushed my laptop towards her.

She scanned through the email and with every passing second her face got more and more horrified.

"Should I laugh or should I cry? Why exactly did you email his manager?"

I explained the tweets I saw and how much it upset me, she sat there and listened to my whole rant and shook her head.

"We can't delete emails and he's probably never going to read it!"

"They sent the email to him."

"Oh gosh!" She clutched her heart.

"Yeah...So what do I do?"

"There's way too many typos I don't think he's going to be able to read and decipher anything."

"I hope that's what happens, it's not like he's going to go out of his way to communicate with me!" I laughed.

Deep inside I knew that I needed him to reach out. I wanted him to talk to me, come back to me. What will I do after that? It didn't matter I just wanted him around.

We headed out to the beach and decided to spend some time there, hopefully the sea would wash my worries away.

Harriet was basically a child again, running into the water, doing cartwheels and trying to drown Gabriel while Julia read her novel and yelled at them like the mum she was.

The water felt good, the warmth from the sun was melting the tension away. I wasn't so tense anymore but I wasn't exactly liberated either.

I was okay, I was fine with him knowing he meant the world to me. I was finally starting to accept that he didn't feel that way.

As much as it hurt, it wasn't my reality. This was not going to happen, I'll love him with my whole heart but it didn't matter, he didn't feel that way about me.

And one day I won't need him to feel that way, because that feeling in me will die away too.