Seeing Red

This is the part it kinda gets bad

"Don't fucking touch me!" I pushed his hand away.

"Tara-"

"Stop saying my name that way, Stop. Please stop saying my name." I broke down.

Something inside me snapped, I didn't want to run away anymore. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and I wanted to let my feelings free.

And so I did, I didn't hold back. I let it all out.

"You are selfish. You cared about me only as long as it was profitable to you." I cried.

"No that's not-"

"Sorry my bad, you never cared. I was just some stupid fan girl for you to take advantage of. No you're not responsible for my heart or the fact it still cares for you, what you're responsible for is-"

"So you do still care-"

"See! It's always about you. Everything is always about you. When was the last time you thought about someone other than you??"

Silence.

"That's what I thought, don't even get me started about the kiss. I was head over heels for you way before it and that just made me completely melt and to you it was nothing."

"No-"

"Don't lie anymore, you said it meant nothing. You just invalided everything I felt towards you. I'm starting to think you just go around kissing people, oops forgot my wallet at home maybe I'll kiss the grocer and take my groceries home for free-"

"I don't do that Tara. I don't kiss people for free groceries?"

"It's pointless trying to explain anything to you." I laughed wiping the tears off my face.

"If only-"

"You lost your last if only long ago, you never wrote back, you never looked for me. It says enough." I sighed . "So, in conclusion you've caused me a lot of pain." I looked into his eyes, emotionless. "But somehow, I still don't hate you. And I'm afraid-" I didn't want to complete this sentence anymore.

I zipped the bag shut and walked out of that apartment, the city was falling asleep, I knocked at Charlotte's door, handed her the bag and left.

What was I doing in this awful place? Stop filling my mind with memories anymore. Why don't you want to let me hate him?

I managed to find myself at Harriet's apartment door. I knocked on it, hoping she was still awake.

I heard the locks click, she emerged clearly quite sleepy. Rubbing her eyes trying to figure out why the fuck her older sister was standing at her door, weeping.

"Dummy! What happened?" She pulled me into her arms.

She guided me to the couch, and sat me down to get me a glass of water. I drank the water, cried some more and then laughed like a maniac.

"Tara, tell me what you're doing here, all of it." She wiped my tears away.

I told her about how worried we got after the FaceTime with Mia, Charlotte decided that she had to come get her daughter till Charles got his shit together. Followed by everything that went down at the apartment.

"Go on, finish that sentence for me."

"No, I- I can't."

"You don't have to be afraid, it's me. Your dear Harry not Charles!" She laughed.

"Don't laugh at me or beat me up." I took a deep breathe and continued, " I'm afraid that if I'm around him, I might actually forgive him."

"Why do you have to be afraid?"

"Because I won't just forgive him stupid! I'll fall in love with-No. I'm not speaking anymore." I placed my hands on my mouth.

Was I admitting to being in Love? I mean who'd love a smart, charming, witty and beautiful man right? Yuck.

"Tara's in LOOOOOVVEEE!" She teased me.

"Shut up. Just give me a blanket, I'll sleep here." Patted the couch. "Your place needs a pick up, I'll do that tomorrow morning before I leave."

"Stop with the housemaid talk!" She threw a blanket at me. "Sleep well and if you need hugs I'll be on my bed trying to plot murder."

I wished her a good night and pulled the blanket over myself.

Fuck. I just admitted to being in love with him. But I just messed it all up, I literally exploded on him. Forget about being loved Tara, you'd be lucky if he didn't get a restraining order against you.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I hate emotions, I hate feelings and I hate how they mess up everything I do.

I could hear someone faintly calling my name, it got louder every minute until it became very distinct. I knew who it was.

My heart and head felt so heavy as I slid out of the blanket and walked to the balcony.

There he was, defeated, on his knees screaming my name. The neighbours started switching on their lights to see who this idiotic bleating goat was.

"Tara, let me in. You never let me explain myself." He cried.

"I'm sorry, I can't let you in. Find a way." I smirked. Gosh it felt good, for once to be the one dictating what happens next.

"Well this leaves me no choice."