Letters Written, Left Unnoticed

5/17/2021

I know I said I was going to stop, but I don't think I can. I will, I know I just said I couldn't, but hear me out. I feel like you do want me here, but you want the old me. You want someone bearable to be around, not the me that complains about everything and then ends up crying afterwards. You don't want the me who's had a shitty day and just wants you to be there and say something. You want the fun me, the one that makes other people laugh and who wants to be learning constantly, The version of me who yeah has some problems, but they aren't always concerned about them and can still take the time to be calm and nice to other people. Honestly I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel like I'm harsh and judging, but quiet, refusing to tell others what I think of them, because honestly I'm so mean upstairs. I know you won't look at this doc again for a long while, perhaps after the 23rd, but it will be okay. I suppose the 23rd seems random to you, That was the day I told myself I would commit suicide on about four years ago. I told myself that that was my date, May 23rd, 2021. I guess it probably seems a bit odd, but I've remembered it this whole time, There I go again though being the girl you don't like. I think there's only one person I ever told about that plan, and now they could probably care less about me lol. Perhaps you'll take the same path. On another note, I honestly at this point can't remember if you actually told me that you and Lex broke up or not. I think it was just a dream. Last time I saw you in person and we went to Best Buy I thought it was going to be a fun trip, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything to you. I kept staring at her name on the visor thing, and the hair brush on the side that I would assume was hers. Little pieces to remind you of her everywhere. I never asked you how it ended cause I felt like that would have been rude, but the two of you still seem close, which is great, but at the same time maybe it was all a dream. I've been struggling a lot lately and I haven't told anyone. I've been the mediator for so much recently and it's really hurting me. This is where I get to vent though. I can't tell Ray that what she tells me affects me too, I can't tell my friends that them fighting and not liking each other hurts me because that would be selfish, and perhaps that would make them push me away too. I have a solid two friends right now, and that sounds really sad, but it's true. Two people I consider friends at this point and that's you and Ray. I feel like I constantly hurt you two though and push you away. I feel like I'm just a burden and when you try to tell me nice things I take them and my mind twists them and I hate that I do that because I'm taking your genuine thoughts that you have told me over and over and turning them into lies when they aren't. I get so angry with myself because I do so much like that. It's frustrating and I don't want to do it, I don't want to hurt anyone and I want to give you all space. I think I need space for myself too, but I just don't have that.