Boomerang (A Short Story)

IV. Worst Luck

Kemi

We don't stay on the phone much longer. I had to convince him that him being on the phone and being high while driving is too much. He had put up a fight, but couldn't do much when I hung up. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something were to happen to him because he wants to be on the phone with me while driving.

It doesn't take long for panic to set in. My heart is beating in my chest like I just did some high intensity training or something. All the daydreaming and imagining in my head could have never prepared me for this. With just me and him, there isn't any limitation like there is in school. If we kiss like we did in the library, the fear of a teacher catching us is not there. Who's to say it doesn't go further than that. I won't sit here and say that I haven't thought about taking it that far with Tru before, but in that instance, he calls me his girlfriend. However, in this life, I don't even know what I am to him.

He is already on his way, but I'm having second thoughts. I've made myself too available for him. All he had to do was come in, kiss me, show me attention, ignore his girlfriend, and once again he's managed to get all in my head.

This is my opportunity to set the record straight for how I should be treated. I have to be strong and not fall for the slightest bits of affection and attention, no matter how much I crave it from him.

In the midst of my self-coaching, my phone dings, bringing me back to reality. It's a text from Tru saying he's outside. I quickly grab my stuff and head out. When outside, there's Tru standing against his car, hands in pockets, and looking directly in my direction. No words are ' said as the distance between us diminishes, and once in arm's reach, he pulls me into a tight hug.

The first thing I notice is that he smells like weed and cologne, one of my favorite combinations. The second thing I notice is what's actually taking place. I'm in Tru's arms. A place that, until today, I had only dreamt of being. I feel his toned back through his hoodie, and his body expanding from his inhale. Once again the fear of him fading away fills my mind and I instinctively hold him tighter, pulling his body closer to my own. Subsequently, he tightens his arms around me, and I know how I once imagined something like this going, did no justice for the real thing. In his arms, there's no place I rather be.

"As much as I like what's happening right now, I know we can do more hugging and cuddling at my house," he grumbles in my ear. Reluctantly, I pull away from him the same time he does me. Everything I was coaching myself about setting the record straight just went out the window. I'm not about to waste nor ruin not one minute with him.

Tru leads me to his car, opening and closing the door for me before he goes to the driver side to get in himself. He looks at me with low hazy eyes, a smile gradually taking over his face, and I can't help but to smile back. My heart swells at the image and I wish I could pull my phone out quick enough to take a picture.

"What are you smiling at me for?"

He shakes his head, still smiling while starting up the car.

"You want the aux?" Tru hands me his aux cord and I thank him for it.

Our music taste is similar, something that drew me toward him more in the past, so I know pretty much anything I play, he's most likely going to enjoy it. But there's something about X and Gambino that just screams us to me. So that's what I play.

"Can you play the song that you were listening to when we were on the phone? I think it was like Brent, but I'd never heard it before."

He's talking about Insecure. A song I found in the midst of a situation with a dude I thought would get me over Tru. My mind used to bounce back and forth between the other dude, Santo, and Tru whenever I'd hear it. It's not a song I would expect he wanted to listen to. I rarely ever seen him listen to R&B intentionally.

Tru, please don't think I'm insecure. I just can't trust no one else. I thought I knew love before you, but I didn't even love myself.

With Tru, my baggage was my depression and self-esteem. Child's play compared to the baggage I carried when Santo entered my life.

Santo, please don't think I'm insecure. I just feel safe by myself, but with you I felt safe with somebody else.

Santo obliterated any self-esteem I had, which was already little to begin with. At first he made me feel like I'm floating on clouds, showing me affection Tru never did until today. Then he made me feel like I was carrying both the weight of the world and hell on my shoulders. His "jokes'' cut deep. His inconsistency confused me. His inconsideration drove me mad. But on those occasions when I did have his attention, when he held me the way I craved to be held, it aided my wounds. I still had wounds before him: depression, low self-esteem. He only added to the list: manipulated heartbreak.

But this isn't about Santo. I'm finally hanging out with Tru.

I play the song, and Tru nods his head to the beat, laid back, leaning slightly while he drives. I watch him closely, trying to ingrain this image in my head. When looking at him, I sometimes forget how to breathe. I'm mesmerized by his ability to make my heart beat out of my chest, without notice, doing the most simplistic things.

In the middle of the song, he glances my way and catches me staring. I don't care much, so I don't look away. He simply grabs my cold hand from my lap and intertwines his warm one with mine. It catches me off guard when he lifts my hand up to his lips and he softly kisses the center of the back of my hand. A sigh of contentment escapes me and all I want to do is to be up under him, sharing body heat, holding each other, and never letting go.

"Why you staring at me?" I smirk, already knowing a way to respond.

Before he rejected me, a day in class when we were being extra close, I called him cute. It seemed miniscule at the time until later in the day, he posted something on Snapchat and all it said was something like, "You're cute too," or whatever. That was the beginning of the end, because I literally confessed to liking him in code on my Snapchat, "I think I got a thing for a Ghost," Ghost being his stage name. After that, I got nothing back. I later got verbal confirmation of the rejection the next day.

Sitting in this car with him, I feel like I'm reminded of all the bad feelings I felt about him in the past, so much that it almost leaves me mute, "Uh, you're cute, you know that?", I damn near whisper.

Without missing a beat he says, "I think I got a thing for a Nupe."

I look at him in slight shock. One, he remembers what I said on Snapchat, and two, he remembers that, despite being a girl, I always wanted to join Kappa Alpha Psi. I even walked around calling myself a Nupe or Kappa, and he remembers.

He starts talking again before I can say anything, "We've always had a connection, Kemi, one that neither one of us can deny. Why I couldn't admit that at the time, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm admitting it now. I know I've kissed you and it's going to contradict what I'm about to say, but I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything with me because you feel it's the only chance. It's not. I want you around me, at least as a friend. Eventually I know that won't be enough, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

I hear him, I do. But the whirlwind of emotions going through me have me reactionless. I want to be carefree yet careful. I want to love him yet leave him alone. I want all of him yet nothing to do with the whole situation.

"You're all in my head again," A humorless chuckle leaves my mouth.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," He glances my way before his thumb begins to stroke the back of my hand gently.

My head lulls to my left, taking in his side profile. So beautiful, so tempting. But I know where all this leads to. I can either complain through my descent into the darkness I know is surely to come, or I can enjoy the ride.

With my free hand, I let my finger tips caress the side of his jaw and down his neck. "Enjoy the ride," I tell myself as I lean over the armrest, into his personal space. My lips replace where my fingertips once were and kiss from his jaw, down to his neck and even collar bone. He stiffens in more ways than one, as I notice he sits up straighter and his hands grip the wheel a little tighter, turning his knuckles to a lighter shade. However, he still acts as if he's unfazed.

I move back up to his ear, lips softly caressing it, as my hand goes up to his neck gently, "You've never shown me it's a good thing, love."