Blogs from the Bermuda Triangle, is a compilation of sometimes heart wrenching, fictitious, and almost always hilarious, blog postings, guaranteed to take you on an emotional roller-coaster ride, through the mind of an often naïve, and always funny...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Does anyone on the internet know how to kill cockroaches effectively? I am not talking about just any old cockroach either. I am talking about one the size of a lobster, that has been waging a war of wits with me, for about a month now, and he is mean.
I first encountered him the second night I spent in my new apartment. I had just finished making a sandwich, and left an uneaten portion of it on my kitchen counter. Some friends were over, helping me move stuff into my new place, and I had put the sandwich down to move a box, that a friend had carried up the stairs and left in my front door.
When I went back out to the kitchen, to have another bite, it was gone. I remember thinking, 'that is odd, I know I did not eat it all ... My friends were all outside or moving things up the stairs, so I know none of them could have eaten it.
Later on that evening, after my friends had all left, I had left a small bowl of chips out on the table, while I went into the bathroom to unpack a box of toiletries into the medicine cabinet. When I came back into the kitchen, the bowl was empty.
At first I thought I was losing my mind, later dismissing it as being over-tired, and forgetting that I must have finished the chips, and not remembered doing so.
The next night, while drying off in my bathroom, that is right next to the kitchen, I heard a strange scratching noise coming from the kitchen's pantry area. I immediately thought it must be mice, and decided to get some sticky traps the following day when I went shopping.
About an hour later, I made another sandwich, and poured myself a small glass of milk. I left this snack on the counter too, while going into the living room to set up a tray for my food. I was just unfolding the tray, when I heard a crash from within the kitchen, and thought the picture I had hung on the wall with an undersized nail fell down.
I went back into the kitchen, and to my amazement, the glass I had poured my milk into lay broken on the floor, with milk everywhere. My sandwich was also gone. Then I saw it. The end of my sandwich was disappearing under the stove, as something dragged it away.
I remember thinking 'holy shit, it must be rats and not mice!' I decided to call the landlord first thing in the morning, and demand that steps be taken to do something about the rodent problem.
Less than an hour later, I heard more commotion coming from the kitchen, and went out there to investigate. That is when I saw him. The biggest roach I have ever seen in my life. I am talking really huge.
He was just crawling back under the stove, as I stepped into the kitchen, but I got a good look at him nevertheless. I then looked under the sink cabinet, and anywhere else I thought roaches might hide, but found no trace of them or droppings, that would point to an infestation.
I then carefully pulled the stove out and away from the wall to see what was behind it. All I saw was a large hole where the gas pipe passed through the wall.
I stood there quiet for about five- minutes, until I saw two long feelers start to slowly poke out of the hole. The next thing I knew, I was staring face to face, with the biggest bug I have ever seen inside a building. He had a head the size of a plum, and looked like he had eyebrows too.
At first I freaked out, but later on after I calmed down, realized the roach was pretty cool. He was also probably one in a gazillion. I decided to keep him as a pet instead of killing him, and later on that night left a bowl of milk out on the kitchen floor. Ten minutes afterward it was empty.
Since all this took place, I have found out that having a giant roach as a pet, is not as cool as I thought it might be.
About a week passed, and things started disappearing around my apartment.
First my watch went missing, then other things like my Playboy magazine, a tiny keychain flashlight, and my cigarettes, along with my lighter too.
Nobody had been over to my place since the night my friends helped me move in, so I knew it had to be the bug. I had absolutely no way of proving this, but still had my suspicions.
There were enough things that pointed directly toward him too. Like the night I went out into my kitchen, and could smell cigarette smoke coming out of the hole in the wall behind the stove. Other indicators were the night I stepped into my kitchen, without turning on the overhead light, and could see the faint glow of a dim light emanating from behind the stove.
I knew the sneaky bastard had my tiny flashlight for sure at that point. I could swear I heard magazine pages being turned also. I began to wonder just what kind of super intelligence roach I was dealing with. Even more disturbing than that, was the question of 'what he was doing with my Playboy under there?'
Today, while I was at work, that roach went too far. My new, personal, Mp3 player is missing. I know that prick took it too. I can hear the faint sound of music coming from out of the hole behind the stove. I did not even know roaches had ears. What really pisses me off, is it sounds like he is listening to mariachi music, and I did not even have any on that MP3 player.
Do you suppose he could have downloaded his own? This is starting to become insane. I am going to kill that rip-off bug, if it is the last thing I do. I also found one of my good kitchen towels thrown behind the refrigerator, with something on it, that was dried, and sticking the towel together. Do you suppose? No, it couldn't be...
That bug has got to die! Today when I returned home from work, my entire place was trashed. It looks like somebody had a party while I was gone. Do you think there could be more than one of those giant bugs in my building?
Last night, before I went to sleep, I poured some Borax powder all over the floor by the stove, hoping it would kill him. I heard it works really well by dehydrating bugs, and is a sure fire killer for roaches too. Turns out it does not work as great as people think it does.
The next morning I found a razor blade on the floor, next to the Borax powder, and a message that had been scraped out with the blade saying "send more coke!" There was also a little straw lying next to that.
I do not think I will be able to take much more of this, without losing my mind soon. Does anyone out there have any good suggestions? This roach has got to go! Please, if anybody knows a way to get rid of him, please... please... let me know as soon as possible. You can e-mail me at, Billy's Got A Bug, at Whahoo.com, or hit me up on Twitter.
