LOST (Yoongi ff)

3. Terrified

"C21 and C22"

I read out loud to myself from my ticket making sure these were indeed mine. Once I start to settle in the midst of the huddle of people who are inconsiderably shoving each other out of their way as if it were black friday.

And yes, Yes I did. I booked two seats just to travel alone in peace. Call me selfish, call me inconsiderate, at this point I don't care. I know that isn't supported or even allowed in some airlines, I genuinely don't care. I know I'm being a bitch.

Right now I felt like I had the right to.

As I'm trying to set my emerald green mini suitcase into the handbagage pods above, a young man sitting in front of me approaches to offer a helping hand. I smile with gratitude as I silently inspect him. He was really tall. Tall slim figure, had glasses on which in combination to his clothing styles almost made him seem like a nerd from highschool that we all know of at least one in our life. As he's pushing my luggage further deep inside the pod someone nudges him harshly on his shoulder as they pass by.

These ignorant pieces of shie-

Before I could finish the line in my head soundlessly, the "tall nerd" spoke up

"Oh em sossori sossori!" He exlaimed in his obvious korean accent.

This nerd was apologizing to the jerk that just shoved him instead. In addition he was bowing in the guys direction even long after the jerk was gone from the scene already since he obviously was on his way to get that TV that was on 85% sale. In the process of attempting to do his apologetic bow the "nerd" only bumped into more people and got shoved by them as well.

I felt bad for him. He must be very naive and just too nice for his own good. I'd know, I used to be like that myself. I recognize my own kind

"Gamsahabnida". I said to him smiling then immediately was forced to sit on my seats due to the pushing crowd. You'd think people would be keeping their distance in the midst of this pandemic at least for the sake of their own health but I guess they don't fear for their life as much as I do. Even though it is evident, no one truly fears death on a daily basis until you know your days are numbered.

No one loves life more than the ones running out of time.

No one fears death more than the ones running out of time.

Which one do I fall into?
How do I want to spend my last days?
Loving the "now" or fearing the "evident"?

I've feared death my entire life, even since I was a teen. Only difference is. Now I just have a reason to. I just wish I hadn't ruined my time then.

You'd think everyone like me going through this would act cheery and have this ambiguous and positive take on life, like in those crappy romcom movies or poorly written dramas.

Why would anyone pretend to be happy and not scared?

Sometimes I really do wish my life would be like those cringey and unrealistic movies where a cancer patient is always being shown how sarcastic and positive of an outlook they have in life. Where the cheerful and annoyingly positive dude with a dire secret of being terminally ill comes into a girl's life who is equally as boring and too serious with life only to find out later that her being sad is unjustified because a cancer patient is supposedly happier than her.

Where the dude encourages her to be more happy and to live life to the fullest; she falls in love with him. Only to leave her behind. Then dying and waving from the sky with a fading self portrait with the help of bad cinematography and CGI. Making it seem like he's still amongst them, looking over them, is in a better place.

I call bullshit.

Life is not a romcom where either:

1. Everything comes out great and it's an happy ending.

2. Or whatever happens is being manipulated and staged to be seen as not as bad.

Even when it ends with death. There is no fabricating or sugar coating death. You can't just show the main characters in heaven dressed in white to make it seem like everything is well even after they are dead.

Once you're dead, you're dead.

It's over.

And why on earth would someone pretend to be happy or cherry for the sake of others? When they are literally dying. How can someone not be morbidly afraid when they know the time is near? Aren't they scared of being erased, aren't they scared of it hurting, aren't they afraid of leaving things behind?

Well I am

I'm scared.

I'm terrified.

I'm dying.