lil' rash// johnil

1

Unethusiastic was one way to describe his gaze- dead the other. The dark brown iris of his eyes was getting darker and deeper the longer he lived, his pupil drowning more and more- a distinction of iris and pupil could barely be made. An ordinary bundle of lashes surrounded his glossy eyes, the black colour matching his furrowed eyebrows and dishevelled hair.

Taking another deep breath in order to calm his quick heartbeat and in hopes of getting his vision less blurry, he raised his shaking hand and touched the burning spot at the corner of his mouth. Compared to the painful sensation he felt on his legs and stomach this was barely a wound, just a small itchy burn, however it bothered him the most since he knew he needed to eat and talk and smoke. With these thoughts his face turned into a grimace, pain evident in every single muscle.

His dead eyes finally semi- focused, enough for him to see the person crouching in front of him, a mocking smile painted across his lips. "Fucktard" he rasped towards him, the corner of his mouth ripping even further in this action, making him hiss. "You like it little bitchboy Taeil, hm?" mocked the crouching boy, his eyebrows prominent and angled into a certain degree. Through the year Taeil had noticed how his brows would angle into this specific degree whenever the giant wanted to pursue awful actions. His big doe eyes would glisten slightly, his mouth- corners raise. "Oh yeah", Taeil rasped miserably, "I fucking enjoy it, Suh." 

"Good."

With a wicked smile another kick settled into the other's stomach, his intestines turning and a metallic taste settling on Taeil's tongue. "Gee thanks" the boy coughed, however the other party of the conversation stood up and retreated. Taeil would have begged him to stay, to beat him up more in order for himself to stop thinking, however he still had some dignity left. 

Even if this tiny dignity consisted of lying on the ground, tasting his own blood in his mouth and blinking away blurry spots in his vision. Sighing, Taeil decided to not visit classes today. He was paying for the tuition, he could come and leave as he pleased, after all. 

"Thanks for stopping by, please visit us in the near future" Taeil spoke as if reading from a script, saying this as a reflex of the bell chiming above the door to the small convenience store. "Your ethusiasm is through the roof" commented his co- worker nonchalantly while opening another bottle of peach ice tea, dropping money into the check out. "Oh, i am very ethusiastic" replied Taeil, sighing and leaning back on his chair, moving the hurt parts of his body as little as possible. His coworker simply smiled politely, getting a cloth and wiping down his counter. 

A slight rumble occured outside, a dark cloud moved in front of the sun. Taeil sighed, looking outside the window. The weather was so weirdly grey, it seemed as if nowadays the weather was grey daily. How awfully boring.

"I think we can close early, look at the weather outside" Taeil said, checking in two packs of cigarettes and putting the money into the cash register. The other part nodded, locking the staff room. "I think so too, i doubt that these clouds will leave us dry" he marked, smiling in a nice manner. Taeil returned the smile lopsidedly, his coworker was a lovely person. "Didn't you get a ride yesterday home, Sicheng?" he asked teasingly, chuckling in amusement at the red cheeks the other gave him as a reply. "Y-yes but one ride is enough... i don't want to risk embarrassing myself further" replied Sicheng flustered. 

Taeil knowingly just nodded, smiling soft at him. "It'll be fine." The other nodded, put on his jacket and then it seemed as if he hesitated to ask him something. Slowly he raised a hand, then he lowered it again, then he looked outside, then back at Taeil.

"Anything wrong?" asked Taeil, looking at the unsure boy. Sicheng shook his head, "No, i just want to ask something. Are you... by any chance" the boy fiddled with his jacket sleeves and avoided eye contact, "I know we don't know each other well, you've been working here only for a month, but..." Sicheng swallowed, looking anywhere but him. "Are you... gay?" he whispered, "Oh" Taeil laughed slightly, putting one cigarette pack into his jacket pocket, the other into his bag, "yeah, i am." "Good" said Sicheng then happily, "i am too." Taeil smiled. "Happy to know that." "I'm glad i got it off my chest to one person" said Sicheng. "I'm glad i got to be this person" replied Taeil.

The boy came to his appartment soaked. Taeil did not have a car which could have prevented that situation. Sighing and exhausted he opened his front door and walked into his dark living space, turning on the lights and fiddling with his jacket pocket, eager to get a cigarette as fast as possible into his system. He took off his soaked hoodie and pants, hanging them up over his heater. Quickly he walked over to his balcony, opened the door and took the small lighter which was lying on his glass table on the balcony. 

He sat down on the wooden chair, lighting a cigarette and inhaling the smoke. Finally he found some peace in the day, the stars twinkling in between clouds over his head. Clashing down onto the pavement came the rain, some drops bouncing off of the ground because of the impact. The pathetic shine of the street lamp twinkled through the raindrops, forming small crystals. As Taeil looked up into the dark night sky he remembered how it had been back where he lived. Back then, when he thought smoking was cool, back then, when he had not told his parents the thing that forced him to move out of the house. He also used to have friends back then. 

Just as he had predicted at school, his lip came into contact with the cigarette and the smoke grazing over the ripped wound did not give him any good. Taeil grimaced. That fucking Suh. He really knew how to hit a person.

The beatings had started immediatly after Taeil transferred the college, after Johnny found out that he was gay- which was the second week of his first semester. However Taeil never really fought against him. With a good look at Johnny's body and an even better look on Johnny's friends, popularity and reputation he decided it was no use- and to now search for even another college while he had already bought this small apartment... no. That was never an option for Taeil. 

Besides, what would he do besides being beaten up? Make friends? No. Eversince Taeil moved he was lonely, he did not mind on some days, on other days he hated it. Nevertheless, he was too lazy to build up relationships, he was too exhausted to talk and too aware of potential danger to let loose. Somewhere, he was happy to be beaten up. It was so much easier than making friends. Even if it was by a brainless imbecile which happened to not accept that he could not change that specific feature of his.

Sighing he smoked away his cigarette, mentally preparing for the next day.

"You like me? Really?" whispered the older, looking at the giant in front of him. It was too good to be true. "You also like me. I know it" whispered the younger, a loving gaze taking over his masculine, usually unforgiving eyes. "All i do is hit you, all i do is spit on you. Why do you like me?" whispered the taller, in tears, a sweater paw wiping his tears. "Because you're a puppy." 

That was a very weird dream, thought Taeil. His eyes were fixicated on the dark ceiling, every single limb of his was fairly tired. He'd sleep, however he woke up an hour earlier than he had to- which made him not want to sleep anymore. Sighing, he decided to slowly crawl out of his bed, treat the wounds and bruises he had from the day prior, smoke a cigarette. 

Ending up napping every five seconds, he slowly walked to school with the cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, having lightened it up with the lighter on his balcony. He usually would have two or three matches or lighters in his pockets so he left the lighter there, only putting it to use for this one cigarette. Taeil's steps were heavy and careless. School was the least of his problems now, however it seemed to give him somewhat of a use, somewhat of a distraction. 

Arriving at College, Taeil threw the cigarette on the floor and stomped it out, going up the stairs. On top of the stairs stood Suh Johnny, his smile greeting him. 

It was pretty to be welcomed by a smile, wasn't it? Even if that smile had no nice intention, Taeil appreciated it somewhat- Johnny was still greeting him. If Taeil would have had friends, would he need to greet them a good morning and a good night? How exhausting. Better to have a heartwarming smile by someone who would beat you up later.

"I'll beat you up again" the taller grimly said, Taeil simply nodded, his face not moving from it's dry facial expression. "I'm aware, fucker." "Watch it, pimp." "I will, cunt." "Fuck you!" 

Taeil looked at him one last time, then he stepped into the institution. 

Maybe that guy really was just a puppy.