I think I have fallen in love. I dont really know. I dont think I've ever fallen in love. Maybe liked someone very passionately, but everytime its over I dont remember the feeling, or them meaning much to me. But this person, this person I remembered even when I had left. Perhaps something, a distraction began.
I dont even know what the fuck I'm talking about but there's some part about a distraction.
Who the fuck knows, but all I know is the thought of them crossed my mind ever so often. I didn't forget about them completely. Sometimes I forgot them, but when I remembered I'd feel lost and sad that our relation was over. How pitiful. God, nothing makes sense.
I always pushed the feeling away, it shouldn't matter, nothing matters, something that doesn't have to do with them is the only thing that matters. What is that thing? Let's see, anything but them.
But, then again if I am discluding them from everything because they do not matter they must. Its just hard to admit. Fuck. I'm not scared, I'm not scared to fall in love or possibly be attached (okay I am very scared, dont fucking tell anyone I said that.) I'm scared their feelings aren't the same. Theres nothing worse than unrecepricated love.
I close my eyes and imagine there hand entangled with mine and I don't feel love. I do it again, and I don't. What is love suppose to feel like? People say it'll hit you when you do but what am I suppose to do with that? Just get a bandage for my bruise where it hit me and do what? Cry about it? Oh wow love just hit me, now I'm stuck with these feelings and they aren't going to leave until the person leaves with it.
Being abandoned is a bad feeling. I abandoned them. I bet it hurt, although who am I to say? Maybe I didn't mean much to them. Still don't. Who knows? I believe I mean a lot to them, perhaps... perhaps, perhaps. they respond to everything I do, that's a sign. They say I'm their type, thats a sign, they say they feel something with me, a connection, that's a sign.
Their pride is something that's always standing with them though. I will never be able to push it down, sometimes I can make it stumble but never push it down. Each time it just comes back stronger. I love that about them. They are so stubborn, and they are not like other people. It takes a long time to be close with them. They aren't someone who says they are not like other people and they are super closed off then two days into talking with them they start talking about their life story and they are exactly like other people. No, they are truly one of a kind. I mean, there's a lot of people like them. out of 7 billion people? Yeah, their will be lookalikes of them. But never exact copies. I stole a good one. How lucky am I?
I just realized I said "stole". That perfectly describes the relation. So much vines and ropes and shit tied and knotted around it tightly, the aggression is pushed up against me, an uncomfy feeling I oh so love and enjoy. Its like a blade, rubbing against your skin. Pressing down on it, breaking the surface. Bleeding. Stinging. " Ow, that feels good. "
I dont know what to do with these feelings. I know i certainly will not act like a dog and whine whenever they dont show me attention.
But I feel like it.
I cant show it though.
How pathetic
- Light, 9:10pm
