The Ghost of Our Past (ON HOLD)

Madder than the Mad Hatter

"So tell me, Kiera. How do you feel after your only family leaves you here?"

Kiera shrugged. She stared at her hands resting on her lap. They were free, for once. No handcuffs, no cloth bounding them. Did it mean anything for her? Sitting across her, the lady in the suit drummed the end of her pen on the clipboard. Kiera's eyes watched it go up and down up and down up and down up down up down up -

"Do you want to tell me?" The voice rose a little higher. Kiera shrugged again. The lady was impatient already. She has been waiting for Kiera to say something for days. Patience, like anything else, wanes. The pen hovered over the paper, deciding what to write. Kiera wondered what was going to be on that harmless piece of paper. More medication? More time-out? None sounded appealing. She looked to the ceiling, felt vulnerable lying on the couch.

"No." She finally said. Her voice, she noticed, sounded alien to her. It sounded fed-up. It sounded like she has given up. Maybe she has. The lady stopped writing.

"Well then. Is there anything you would like to share with me?" Her tone changed. More energetic. Happy even. Like she's made a break-through.

"I want to eat a pear," Kiera said. "I want it to be cut real small, in cubes. It must be juicy. And sweet. I want one. " The lady nodded. Even as Kiera had her head lowered, she saw the lady's body jerking, writing with brimming enthusiasm. Kiera reached out, tapped on the paper. "Write it down. I want a pear." Then she pushed herself up and walked out of the office. She saw the volunteer assigned to her standing beside the doorway.

Kiera knew people like him. Being here was a play; a false act of sacrifice and charity to fill in a university application form. He was watching other patients wandering in the hallway. He was young, but definitely older than her. He saw her but ignored her. Disrespect. Scorn. Amusement. All dancing in his dull blue eyes. They never left Kiera as he escorted her to the games room. It was almost peaceful, everyone occupied.

A few patients sat huddled over a table, completing a puzzle. Snatches here and there for a piece, cries and moans of brief anger, each equally stubborn in completing the puzzle by themselves, each ignoring that the puzzle was impossible to be completed with all the pieces.

Kiera chose a seat next to the window overlooking the courtyard, flowers blooming and people in whites taking a walk. A little further over, there was a struggle over shiny pink beads and the big nurses ran over and held the two squawking ladies back.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kiera saw the volunteer hang back, discussing with a staff that Kiera recognised as one of the ones in charge. She noticed the quick glances at her direction, low voices. Promptly, she folded her arms on the windowsill and rested her chin on them. She knew she didn't look like a normal person being in a mad house no matter how careful she was.

As Kiera looked out, she saw a patient uprooting flowers and going on her knees and proceeded to make a bouquet. A horrified new nurse flapped her hands at the patient, half afraid and half annoyed as she caught sight of the bald spot of soil. A chuckle came out and Kiera allowed herself a smile. Again, she felt eyes on her and the smile dropped.

She felt like the old lady who draws in the air, smiling with pure pleasure at the pictures only she saw. Was it okay for her to feel envy for that old woman? To be in her own world and disregard the people around her who only made living itself a challenge? To be mad for all she cared?

At the remembrance of her actions a few minute ago, she felt nothing.She never did anything like that but she felt nothing. It wasn't exciting or funny or thrilling. All she felt was acceptance, that she had the right. Maybe she really is mad.

"That's right. Madder than a hatter." Kiera announced loudly. Patients around her aroused sleepily at her loud voice then resumed to doing what they were occupied with.

"I should think not. You look as sane as I am," there was a sudden indignant voice. Kiera sat up, looking at its owner with some surprise. She did not realise that someone had taken a seat next to her. A woman in her mid-thirties whom she has never seen before had a chair pulled to the windowsill, glaring at her. Kiera noted that she was wearing the same loose pyjamas as her. A patient.

"But do not fret, dearie. I think your aunt and uncle will come to fetch you soon. To leave you with all these loonies, whooooh!" The woman let out a puff of air and shook her head.

Kiera looked at the woman, her interest pricked. She had a head topped with a bundle of brown hair wounded into a bun, stray hair falling onto her forehead. Her eyes were green, a pert nose settled in the middle of her face with a wide red mouth. Crinkles appeared at the corners of her eyes as she watched the poor nurse trying to stop the patient from making another bouquet of uprooted plants.

"Why are you here?" Kiera asked softly, cautious and thrilled. At the very least she had someone who she might be able to relate to. Her new friend scowled. Kiera wasn't sure what or who the scowl meant for.

"I'm afraid I'm in the dark as much as you are. I'm sure I'm no loony and so are you but people seem to think otherwise." Kiera noticed that the women's ankles were crossed politely under the chair, unlike the psychiatrist who had her legs crossed and showing off tanned skin. Her pale hands flipped idly through the pages of a book. Kiera has never felt so conscious of her slouched back nor the way she arranged her legs. She shifted a little straighter, put her knees together.

"Did you do anything weird? Like, tell people about someone who doesn't exist or have imaginary friends?"

"Oh no, I told you that I haven't the faintest idea... But is that why you are here?" The woman's eyes widen a little and her mouth made a small 'o'. "I see -"

Kiera felt the same hot sensation crawling to her face when she told Fabian about Greta. She gave a slight nod, not daring to meet the woman's eyes. The woman tried to compose herself but couldn't pull it off.

"I see." She said again in a low voice. "But whatever made you tell other people?"

"Because they exist." Kiera hissed, angrily.

Here she was again, judged and criticized. She stood up, her chair pushed backward and scraping the floor loudly. Her face burning, she started to stalk off to her room. Midway out of the door, her insides fluttered when the volunteer glanced at her with an odd and amused expression. She recognised the same expression on Fabian's face. The way his eyes crinkled slightly in the corners, the smile bit back, the almost sympathetic look.

Is it possible?

Slowly, Kiera turned back to see if the woman was still there but all she saw were the two empty chairs standing silently beside the windowsill. Her eyes darted back and forth, searching for the woman with the brown hair and green eyes. Her breath started coming out in short bursts. It cannot be! Her mind screamed. Her chest tightened; she couldn't breathe. Kiera felt her knees shake, tears dribbling down to her chin and was so painfully aware that everyone was staring at her. Nurses prepared themselves for her hysterics, pulling out syringes and sending someone to call a doctor